How To Say “No” (Why It’s So Important To Do)

How hard is it for you to say “No?” Maybe it’s easy for you, maybe it’s not. 

Regardless, when we start talking about saying “No” to the people you care about and the things that you want to do, it can get a bit tricky. If you’re still pretty set that a hard “No” is easy for you to throw down, then good for you and pass this along to a friend who needs some tips. Right on.

Navigating your life by saying “no,” setting boundaries and being clear about your priorities is such a refreshing place to BE. There’s less noise, pressure and guilt in this space. There’s more time for the things that really matter. There’s more peace and calm because boundary setting and being clear about what works for you and what doesn’t will allow you to honor your wants and needs. 

An over abundance of saying “Yes” in relationships when we really want to say “No” will leave us drained and detached from our center. To go further, having no boundaries by always saying “Yes” leads to disrespectful treatment from others and a disrespect of self. (No Thank You.) We are showing people how to treat us by how we schedule our time and how we show up in our lives.  If we’re giving ourselves scraps, we will be getting scraps from others. As you can imagine, there’s a negative spider web effect that occurs when we deny our needs by people pleasing, having none or weak boundaries and exhausting ourselves because of what we’ve convinced ourselves we “should” do.

First, let’s clear up what saying “No” is not. 

For some, saying “No” tends to feel rejecting, rude, not trying hard enough, is selfish, etc. These are some of the validations that keep us saying “Yes” to things that overload our schedules. Needless to say, this negative take on what “No” is, is so far from the truth. Saying “No” is actually extremely empowering, respectful, clear, strong, wise, courageous and important if we want to live a life full of consideration of what’s important to us.

If we get in the habit of continually saying “Yes,” we’ll begin to ignore the sensor going off within that’s trying to signal toward our truth. Ignoring this inner mechanism time and time again will result in a disconnect from having any sort of knowing of what’s a green light and what’s a red light internally. This is how we become misdirected and lost.

To make it clear & simple, “No” is actually a clear, amazing boundary.

It’s not a negative; It’s a necessary. Especially, if you’re going to honor what’s a fit for you in this life.

Saying “No” is one of the most important skills that you can learn. It’s the phrase that’s going to allow you to prioritize what’s important to you. If you say “Yes” to everything, what’s significant to you will get only scraps of your time. This is where problems arise, my friends.

Just to clarify, I’m all for saying “Yes” to those things that are going to help you learn, grow and encourage you to expand. I’m. All. For. It. There’s absolutely a time to say “I’m going for it” and take the leap. 

However, it’s essential to protect the energy and time that you only have so much of in a day. In order to protect the limited daily supply of your energy you have to prioritize what’s significant to you, which will require you to say “No” to some people and experiences.

Wait for it… Even the ones you really want to par take in. Taking good care of yourself sometimes means saying “NO” to people and experiences that you want to show up for, but simply don’t have the mental capacity or the physical time for. This is where the concepts of prioritizing and acceptance kicks in. Acceptance that you can’t be in three places at once and that there’s only so much energy that you can expend in a day before you’re burnt out.

Now let’s get into some clear tips to help you say “No” with more confidence, assertiveness and peace in your heart.

Ready, set; Let’s do this.

Tip #1 Accept That Some People Are Going To Dislike Your “No”

I don’t think any of us will be able to escape the reality that there will be people in our world who want us to do what they want us to do. (Did you get that? People who WANT WHAT THEY WANT. NOT PEOPLE WHO WANT THE BEST FOR US.) Please get clear on deciphering this difference within your relationships. 

When we say “No” to the relationships that are used to us bending for them by saying “Yes,” we’ll likely face a challenge. This challenge usually comes in the form of what I’ll call “kick back” reactions. “Kick back” meaning reactions like passive aggressive comments, irritated moods, silent treatments, ghosting on texts, ignoring behaviors, etc. (You know, all those warm & fuzzy, feel good behaviors to be on the other end of; Kidding. )

We can face these “kick back” reactions by accepting the truth of the matter here. Instead of being so scared about witnessing a negative reaction from a friend or loved one, PLEASE take note of it. I want YOU to see and experience the reality of what you’re signing up for when you choose to be on the receiving end of any relationship. Your relationship world will become much more rich when you begin to say “Yes” to your needs and “No” to what others want from you. You will organically be bringing the well intended relationships toward you and be pushing the one’s with selfish intentions away. YAY!

People who are used to us saying “Yes” all the time, will be taken back when we introduce boundaries into the relationship. Some relationships will reconfigure and find a happy medium, while others might dissipate as the relationship could only BE if we deny our needs. (No Thank You.) This truth can be really hard to swallow. Make sure you have the support you need, especially if the relationship in question is a pivotal relationship that has a lot of emotional strings attached. (Like mom or best friend, etc)

The good news is that if you hold your boundaries, your relationships will be better for it. This, in turn, will greatly improve your life as it weeds out people who aren’t there for your best interest and allows you to carry on honoring your badass self. Cheers to that.

Tip # 2 Accept That You’re Going To Miss Out On Some Things

When you say “No” to one thing, you’re consequently saying “Yes” to something else that you might not be able to foresee. For example, have you ever been really bummed out that you couldn’t make the trip or go to the thing and then when the day rolled around some other amazing opportunity popped into your life? Whether you have experienced this or not, please realize that life is full of unexpected goodies if you allow the space and time for the unknown. 

When you say “No,” you’re allowing more time and space for organic opportunities and “life itself “to play out without your interception. This is when things can get really interesting. 

Tip #3 Learn the Art of Discernment

The tricky part of saying “No” is when you actually really want to say “Yes.” Sometimes, in order to honor your values and what’s significant to you, you will have to say “No.” There will be times, maybe few and far between, where you have a road in front of you with two choices. One choice will compromise your values, morals and what makes you feel good about yourself. The other choice will represent the opportunity for you to continue honoring your best interest, which usually spills over to the best interest of the ones you love. Some opportunities will challenge your character by presenting temptation that will take you off course if you allow it to. 

I’m speaking to alluring situations that you might instinctively want to grab onto because they will look shiny, be attractive and filled with temptation. Maybe this means saying “No” to the attractive co-worker because you’re committed to your marriage and want to honor your vows. Maybe this means saying “No” to the adventurous friends trip to Mexico because it falls over your Mom’s birthday and it’s important for you to honor her by showing up on that very day. 

Temptation can really challenge the inner moral compass if we’re not straight with our values. However, if you take the time to center, get quiet and truly evaluate what’s important to you in this life, the struggle will not be so intense because of the clarity that you pre established for what’s true for you. Using discernment to make good decisions will help you hold close what really matters. Your discernment and clarity will help you in tricky situations that life will throw at you on a small or large scale.

Tip #4 Literally, How to Say No

If the actual act of having a conversation where you enforce a boundary by saying “No” is your personal hold up, this final tip is for you. What I can say with confidence about anything that’s uncomfortable in this life, is that if you keep facing the discomfort and practicing getting through it, the intimidation factor of anything will lessen over time. 

It. Just. Will. 

I know that’s hard to believe about a present topic that makes your skin crawl with discomfort, but it’s true. Courage to face the discomfort of anything paired with an action to handle something differently is the formula for change. If you keep practicing saying “No,” it will become more natural and easier for you to do with time. It’s just like learning to ride a bike. It feels like the most awkward thing at first and eventually, if you keep at it, you’ll be able to pop on one without a thought. 

Here are some clear ways to verbally say “No” with kindness:

Thank you so much for the invite, but I’m going to have to pass….have a blast!

I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not going to be able to make it….have fun!

There’s one key thing here that I want you to soak in: There’s no need for any wordy explanations here that some of us might feel obligated to give. 

Usually that “obligation” to over explain is driven by our guilt and anxiety. (Friends; that’s OUR guilt and anxiety to work through individually and privately. There’s no need to bring that to the other person.) If this is your personal struggle, do your best to refrain from over explaining. 

Also, you don’t need to have something else going on or scheduled in order to give yourself permission to say “No” to an invite from another. You could just say “No.” Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t that blowing your mind? You can say “No” in order to stay home and read a book or go to a yoga class. You can say “No” because you just feel like it and there’s nothing wrong with that.  You don’t owe someone a long and twisted reason why you can’t come. Again, the instinctual want to over explain to the invitee is usually driven by your guilt and shame of feeling like you “should” go or please that other. No need for any of this friends. 

I wanted to keep this short and sweet. If you take away anything from this post, my overall message is that saying “No” represents you honoring and respecting yourself. There’s an art involved in creating your reality with voicing intentional “No’s” and “Yes’s.”Only you have the inner knowing of what’s the right move to take given the opportunity in front of you. Learn to listen to what’s right for you by giving yourself time and space. Learn to trust yourself by making healthy and balanced decisions that honor your self respect.

Keep close to your heart what’s important to you and that will help you navigate the decisions that are constantly coming your way. Remember that saying “No” is incredibly self honoring and reflects the self respect that you hold. Treasure that self respect. It’s the most important thing that you’ve got!

Cheers! Much love friends.

*Image by San Diego based photographer, Ashley WIlliams.

Gaining Confidence (4 Steps To Higher Self Worth)

I believe that THE most significant thing that you can do in this life is create a relationship with yourself that’s healthy, kind and loving. Period. That’s it. If all you had at the end of the day was a genuinely respectful and self honoring relationship with yourself, everything then would fall into place.

When we lack a rich inner relationship, everything else will be compromised in our lives. Happiness will be found in temporary external things and we will constantly be chasing the small moments of light that we can catch every now and then.

This is not the way you need to keep moving forward, so let’s talk about this topic so you can explore ways to improve the relationship that you have with yourself.

Self worth commingles with self respect, self confidence, self esteem and self love. They all fall under the same umbrella and as you do the work to increase one, the other will follow. Meaning, when you work on gaining more confidence, self respect and self love will usually increase as well.

Let’s tap a bit more on why spending the time and energy to increase your level of self worth is so important.

Our level of self worth is, without a doubt, one of the main factors contributing to how fulfilling our life is and will become. We make choices, create beliefs and accept people and situations based on our value of self, A.K.A. our self worth.

Below I’ve summed up 4 key factors to practice when you’re looking to up level your sense of self. Doing so will bring you more respect, better relationships, more enjoyment, less struggle, more confidence and clarity among so much more.

Aren’t you ready for this!?

Whether it be a situation with a person, place or thing that’s stripping you of your confidence or maybe it’s your own self deprecating voice tearing you down, regardless, I’m going to cover skills for you to hone so things can get back on the up and up.

Let’s do this. Here we go.

4 STEPS TO HIGH SELF WORTH

1. Establish Boundaries (Keep Your Radar ON for Unhealthy People, Places and Things)  

Anything or anyone keeping “you small” or tearing you down is essential to pay attention to and do something about if we’re going to get your self worth back on track. After evaluation, if a specific relationship or thing consistently tears away at and devalues you, action is necessary to protect our worth. You might decide to part ways with that other or you might want to start with holding firm boundaries. Both of these actions are communicating something very essential, which is that YOU value YOU. As you begin to “stand up for yourself,” you’re sending the message that you have self respect and will not tolerate behaviors that are chipping away at your self worth. What tends to happen as we hold and are consistent with our boundaries is that people and situations fall away from us naturally because they no longer are a match.

As attraction and like energy are always at play, we’re attracting based on where we’re at. As we begin to hold a higher level of self respect, relationships that don’t have our best interest will have to look elsewhere for their prey. “Later!”

2. Evaluate Your Self Talk

Spend some time, perhaps a day or so, evaluating how you speak to yourself. Really pay attention to that inner voice and listen to what it’s saying. Is it positive and supportive? Or, is it self destructive and, straight up, mean? This will shine a light on the relationship that you have between you and you. How healthy and legit that relationship is will be dictating everything. It will dictate the job you get, the circumstances that you tolerate, the partner that you pick and the general vibe of the life that you live. Everything boo.

If you notice that there’s a lot of “clean up” to do in terms of the messaging of your inner voice, then there’s some work to be done. Without going into to much detail, you can begin to “change the tape” of your self talk by finding a more loving and mindful tone. As you do and with consistent practice you will start to rebuild your level of self worth.

A great question to ask if you’re struggling to decide where you stand on this topic is:

Q: Am I being my own best friend or my own worst enemy? 

Changing the script and bringing in a loving and affirming voice will begin to increase your level of worth. Self deprecating behavior is a loud negative message to not only yourself, but also to those listening. (Often our inner negativity is projected outwardly whether we are aware of it or not.) To put it simply, as you project your negative voice out loud, you will be treated accordingly. That’s why life tends to be such a struggle for those of us who have a destructive inner voice.  

Hang in there and realize that it doesn’t need to take years to tend to this issue. I’ve had clients that have seen improvement quickly by focusing energy and mindfulness on this area of their life. If you want to shift your tone with yourself and you desire a different result, you can do it. As you do, the feedback that you receive from the world, paired with the positive feelings that you will start to cultivate for yourself, will create momentum and incentive for you to keep going. It doesn’t need to take a long time for you to reprogram old scripts and ways. Truth.

3. Accept That Not Everyone Will Like You in This Life

Finding acceptance around the concept that, no matter what you do, there’s always going to be someone in the room that disagrees or has a different opinion, is key. It doesn’t mean anything about you when someone doesn’t choose you. It’s not personal. Not everyone can be for you. It’s just not how the world works. The world benefits from differences and variety, which also means that if you’re being true to yourself, every now and then, someone is not going to be a fit. As this concept begins to root within, criticism and judgement from others has a tendency to fly off our shoulders with more ease and less analyzing.

Letting go occurs as we learn how to not take things personally.

If you’re struggling with taking things personally, I highly recommend the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. “Agreement Number 2” is “How to Not Take Things Personally.” It’s a quick read and a great reminder of how we can step more into acceptance around this matter. 

4. Find and Own Your Magnetism

When I use the word “magnetism,” I’m referring to that thing that you possess (yes, you have it) that’s your natural gift. Your magnetism shows up by how you organically act which makes you who you are and attracts people to you. You don’t have to try with the quality about you that’s magnetic, it’s just apart of your essence. Unfortunately, sometimes life events or people come along that give us the message that we “should” quiet or strip ourselves of that thing. (Please don’t) The problem arises when we actually listen to the external noise of these people and messaging and, consequently, damper our own light.

I’m here to help you turn that light back on babe!

To do so, pay attention to the things that you do with ease. Take note of what others consistently compliment you on. Notice what you do well, without much effort. (This doesn’t mean that your “gift” is an easy achievement, it’s just natural for you.) Your magnetism and natural abilities are often connected to where your purpose lives, so it can benefit you to take the time to investigate this area of your life.

After identifying these aspects, spend time honing these qualities. Give these gifts energy because as you do they will grow. As they grow, you will connect to that place within where your true worth lives. Tapping into this area will turn back on your inner light and your magnetic self will begin to attract accordingly.

Own who you are. By doing so, you will find that positive people and opportunities will surround you and further lift you up.

*Above image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.