As a therapist it’s been pretty wild to be in the room with engaged or married couples who’ve actually never asked each other questions that some of you may consider “The Basics” when considering spending a lifetime together.

QUESTIONS SUCH AS:

Do you want kids?
Where would you want to live once married?
How would we handle our finances if we tie the knot?
What would the holidays look like with our families if we couple up?
What do you consider “adventurous” traveling?

Avoiding, what some would consider, such “obvious” questions says something about how vulnerable and uncomfortable it can be for some of us to genuinely connect & get real.

BEFORE WE DIVE INTO THIS; HERE’S A DIRTY LITTLE TRUTH

How honest and connected we can be with others aligns with how real, truthful & connected we are to ourselves.

I don’t think that there’s anyway around this. To preface this post; the first step toward gaining more authentic connection is to increase our level of self awareness so we can be as authentic as possible with ourselves. Having the ability to be real with ourselves; will allow us to be equally real with the important people in our lives.

WHY ASKING DEEPER QUESTIONS CAN BE HARD

Sometimes we stay in relationships and don’t want to know the hard answers because some answers may require us to face a truth that we’re not ready to face. Sometimes we unconsciously might know what an answer to a specific question may be and avoid “going there” because it would require us to have to change or take action in a way that we don’t want to deal with.

Simply put, we may refrain from asking the deeper questions because we fear what we’ll hear.

What we might hear can ruin our dream or fantasy of who we want that person to be or what we've already decided the relationship is going to look and feel like.

When fear leads and we’re set on a preconceived idea and plan of how we want the relationship to be & go, we live in a place of assuming rather than truly knowing. Assumptions lead to a lot of misunderstanding and chaos.

Avoiding difficult conversations that allow someone to further self disclose, puts us more at risk of staying in and entertaining relationships that are not for us.

Whatever may be the case; just like everything in life; what we don’t deal with or face doesn’t go away. What we avoid will eventually lead us toward negative coping mechanisms.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Intentional, clear and well directed questions allow us to get to know the deeper layers of a person and often lead to bigger conversations about relevant life topics. Topics that help us discern if a certain someone fits into our value system and aligns with our morals for the long run.

Tactful, well thought out questions are the gateway toward determining if someone is, ultimately, the "right" fit for us.

If what you're looking for is a real and healthy connection, go toward the questions that are likely to provoke conversations that can unveil the truth.

The responses, reactions and answers that we get from the questions that we pose to our partner or within our relationships help us to discover more of “the truth.” With more clarity and truth we then have valuable information to make thoughtful decisions for ourselves and our relationship lives.

I always like to say: when you say the truth you see the truth.

It takes time to really get to know another. For example, only time will reveal how a person shows up in the face of loss, death, hardship, disaster or when an uncomfortable situation presents. There's always more to get to know as people have many facets and deep layers beyond the initial "getting to know you phase.”

A KEY QUALITY TO HEALTHY CONNECTION

An ability to “be with” discomfort says volumes about one’s emotional capacity. In terms of looking for healthy connection, looking for signs that the person on the other end of you is emotionally mature is incredibly important. It’s very difficult to connect deeply with someone that lacks the ability to be emotionally available or mature.

With that said; let’s clear something up: Difficult questions can and often do bring up uncomfortable feelings. Discomfort is not negative; it’s just is.

Watching someone have the emotional capacity to work through discomfort without shutting down, handling it negatively or turning on you is important for you to witness.

A healthy emotional place to aim for is being able to allow discomfort without negative reaction. It’s realizing that looking at what’s real sometimes involves facing hurt or painful places. Having the emotional maturity to “face the truth” and deal with the emotions that “the truth” brings up is a skill that’s invaluable for both you and your partner to have in order for healthy, long term connection.

TIPS TO DETERMINE IF A RELATIONSHIP IS A GOOD MATCH

Ask intentional questions and pay attention to answers & actions. (How does your partners responses make you feel?)
Pay attention to personal integrity, honesty and an ability to be authentic, vulnerable & emotionally mature.
Does their answers to your questions align with their consistent actions? (always look for words & actions matching)
Is who they portray themselves to be via words match and align with how they show up with you and in the world?
Do you feel good and energized after you spend time with them or indifferent and drained? (pay attention to how you feel after being around another’s energy.)

What should you do with the information you learn from asking questions?

Pay attention. Be intentional with your questions and look for ways that your partner aligns with the aspects of life that you have decided are important to you. Look for alignment with your priorities, morals, life values, etc. Also, be mindful of the small stuff; "how they treat the waitress." Noticing how your partner interacts consistently with the world around them can help inspire questions and can answer some without any dialogue needed.

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” - Mark Twain

If you’re at a loss with the kind of questions that can allow for more insight & deeper connection with another; here are some examples:

What’s one topic that you would take a stand for?

What’s are the qualities that you value in yourself and others?
What values and ways of being do you think create a healthy relationship?
What is one of the most important relationships in your life and why?

"What is one of the biggest regrets you have in life?"
"What is the most challenging thing you've ever had to overcome?"
"How do you feel about your relationship with your family?"
"If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?"

As always, thank you for reading and being here with me. For any questions, topic suggestions or even if you just want to let me know how you are; feel free to reach out HERE.

*Above image by photographer & visual artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.

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