Healing from Dysfunctional Families: A Therapist’s Guide
Growing up in a dysfunctional family leaves an imprint. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious — like struggling with anxiety, low self-worth, or relationships that are inconsistent or always seem a little off.
Other times, it’s quiet. It’s that feeling you don’t quite belong anywhere. The constant pressure to hold it all together, to be the strong one. Or that deep-down exhaustion you can’t put into words but you’ve been carrying for years.
The exhaustion that you can feel after years of carrying the heavy emotional weight of family dysfunction is real.And the thing is, family dysfunction doesn’t always look chaotic from the outside. Sometimes it’s woven into the everyday — the consistent self criticism, the way feelings aren’t acknowledged, the lack of validation, the constant tension in the air, or the absence of any real emotional connection.
Over time, these patterns start to shape how you see yourself, how much you believe you’re worth, and how safe you feel in the world.
It’s a lot.
So today, I want to walk you through this — the impact, the signs, and most importantly, the ways you can begin to heal. Because you can heal. And you don’t have to carry it all forever. (please don’t)
The Consequences
Family patterns don’t just appear out of nowhere — they’re often passed down through generations. This is sometimes called generational trauma, which simply means the unhealed wounds and coping patterns from one generation tend to ripple into the next, until someone chooses to break the cycle.
When you grow up amongst these patterns, it’s easy to think, “This is just how families are” because that is your normal.
It’s not until later — maybe when you start to feel the constant drain or pay more attention to how other “healthy” families are functioning around you — that you realize just how much energy you’ve been spending. Managing tension. Smoothing over conflict. Bending yourself to fit someone else’s comfort. Being the one in the room that’s trying to keep the homeostasis and peace.
Here are some of the most common ways growing up in dysfunction can leave its mark:
Chronic self-doubt — Questioning your own reality because your feelings were dismissed or minimized.
Guilt for having needs — Feeling selfish or “too much” when you say no or put yourself first.
The caretaker role — Stepping into adult responsibilities far too early, especially for parents or siblings, and losing pieces of your own childhood in the process.
Boundary struggles — Not quite knowing where you end and someone else begins, which can lead to over-giving… or pulling away completely.
Emotional burnout — Carrying the weight of family problems until you feel like you’re running on empty.
The Symptoms in Adulthood
Leaving home doesn’t mean you leave the impact behind. Those early family dynamics often follow you into adulthood — not because you’re “broken,” but because your nervous system learned to survive in certain ways. And sometimes, those survival skills don’t fit the life you want now.
Here’s how the impact of family dysfunction can show up:
Freeze responses — After a hard conversation or conflict, you find yourself shutting down emotionally. This is a trauma response. When you’ve spent years walking on eggshells, reading the room for shifts in mood or tension, your body learned that “freeze” was the safest way to cope when it all became too much.
Over-functioning in relationships — Always being the responsible one, holding it all together, even when you’re running on fumes.
Bitterness or resentment — That undercurrent of anger that builds from years of having your needs ignored or dismissed.
Validation-seeking — Leaning on others’ approval to reassure yourself that you’re okay, worthy, or “enough.”
Friendship patterns that echo family dynamics — Feeling pulled toward people who seem kind at first, but who end up leaving you feeling invisible or unimportant.
Remember: these are symptoms, not your identity. They’re the echoes of old coping patterns, not evidence that you’re doomed to repeat the past or “become like them.”
The Healing Process
Healing from a dysfunctional family isn’t about “fixing” your family. It’s about finding your way back to who you really are— reclaiming the pieces you had to hide or silence to get by.
Here are 6 ways toward healing:
1. Naming the truth
One of the most freeing (and often, painful) steps is admitting — without sugarcoating — that your family system wasn’t healthy. This isn’t about pointing fingers or blame; it’s about seeing clearly. Clarity is what sets you free. (this will always be true, keep this inner knowing in your back pocket.)
2. Separating past from present
When you notice yourself shutting down after a hard phone call or family visit or when you feel yourself go numb after a difficult interaction, pause and say: This is the past speaking. This is old hurt. I have choices now.
3. Setting boundaries without over-explaining
You don’t have to justify your limits to people who’ve never respected them. A simple, “That doesn’t work for me,” is enough. Boundaries protect your energy and give you space to heal.
More on this because I think it’s really important to clarify:
And here’s the part that’s important to acknowledge — this is hard. Especially if you’ve spent years (or decades) being the one who keeps the peace, avoids conflict, and smooths over rough edges for everyone else. When you’ve been a people-pleaser, just simply saying “No” or not offering a long explanation can feel like you’re doing something wrong. It can trigger guilt, anxiety, or that deep fear of being misunderstood or rejected.
Ultimately, I come across a lot of clients saying that they feel “rude,” “like a bitch” or “mean” when establishing and setting boundaries.
But here’s the truth: over-explaining is often a way we try to control someone’s reaction.
We hope that if we say it just right, they’ll understand and maybe even approve. But with certain people, especially those who have never honored your boundaries, no amount of explaining will change their response. (merely accepting this truth is a huge game changer.)
Learning to set a boundary in a clear, kind, and brief way is an act of self-trust. It says: I know my needs are valid. I don’t have to convince anyone else of that. And yes, the ripples may come. People who benefit from your over-giving may push back. But those ripples are not proof you’re wrong — they’re proof that the system is adjusting to the new, healthier version of you.
4. Processing emotions directly
Bitterness fades when feelings have a safe place to go. Whether through journaling, therapy, or a trusted friend, give yourself room to express emotions instead of allowing them to quietly spread into other parts of your life.
5. Creating a chosen family
Surround yourself with people who value you, see you, make time and energy for you and celebrate you. This not only heals your sense of belonging but also teaches your nervous system what safe connection feels like.
6. Giving yourself permission to change
It’s okay if your role in the family shifts. It’s okay if you choose less contact, shorter visits, or entirely new ways of showing up. You are not responsible for holding the whole system together. (you never were.)
A Final Note
If you grew up in dysfunction, the fact that you’re even reading this means you’re already breaking the cycle.
People entrenched in unhealthy patterns rarely stop to question them. You are noticing, naming, and working toward something different — acknowledge yourself for that. (it’s huge and brave)
You may not be able to rewrite your past, but you can reclaim and, ultimately redirect, your present and future. The goal isn’t to become “perfect” or to win your family’s approval. The goal is to live as the truest, healthiest version of yourself — even if that means letting go of roles you’ve carried for decades.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but, remember, every small boundary, every honest conversation, every choice to prioritize your own well-being is a step toward freedom.
Be well friends.
*Image by Photographer + Visual Artist AMY LYNN.
Liminal Space Explained: Why You Feel Lost (and How to Move Through It)
“Feeling lost” is often what happens when you’re in a liminal space — that in-between zone where you’re no longer who or where you were, but not yet who or where you’re becoming. It’s an empty stretch full of uncertainty and the unknown, which makes it deeply uncomfortable — and, not to mention, easy to want to avoid.
Walking through liminal space can feel like moving through a pitch-dark room. You can’t see what’s ahead, and you’re not quite sure where you are — often leaving you hesitant, and searching for something solid to land on.
Let’s talk about liminal space
In psychology, we call liminal space a threshold state: a pause, a transition, a space that can feel uncertain, uncomfortable and even disorienting.
It tends to show up during big shifts — ending a relationship, changing careers, outgrowing an identity, healing from a former version of yourself. It’s the space between the old story and the new one — it rarely comes with a roadmap and often comes with a feeling of lost.
Liminal space is deeply uncomfortable for many — so much so that people often make choices or take action not because it feels aligned, but simply to escape the discomfort. Anything to get out of the vast unknown and move on, even if it’s not quite right.
Why it matters for mental wellness:
Liminal spaces challenge our sense of control, certainty, and self
They can trigger anxiety or grief — but they also invite the good stuff; self-reflection, redefinition, and transformation
what it can feel like
Liminal space can feel like floating, with nothing solid beneath you to land on. Everything familiar has fallen away, and the new hasn’t arrived yet. This is often when panic sets in. If the present doesn’t look or feel like what you imagined it should — then what direction are you even supposed to go in?
The questions start to spin and overwhelm us: Where do I go? What do I do? What action should I take?
And yet... no clear answers come.
Within this space you might feel restless, anxious, ungrounded — lost.
This is a point where many of us stop choosing intentionally and, instead, choose from a place of scarcity and fear.
But here’s the truth: this space isn’t empty. It’s full of potential. It’s where deep growth takes root — if you allow it.
“what is familiar is not always right.” -Brianna Wiest
The real truth is that feeling lost every now and then is normal. It’s actually a key part of becoming.
Can liminal space last for years?
Yes, it’s possible—and deeply human—to have a long liminal phase. Sometimes these "in-between" spaces aren’t just bridges from one chapter to another. They are the chapter. A long one has the potential to provide many valuable lessons to be learned and experienced if you can see it that way. Lessons can be learned when you use the in-between space to pause, reflect and heal, (if need be) so you can move forward.
Is it “normal” to feel like I’ve been in “in between” for years?
Is it normal? Well, it’s not common. But yes, “normal” for those of us who are seekers.
“Seekers,” as in people who tend to have a heightened sense of:
Emotional intelligence
Creative sensitivity
Spirituality
Authenticity; meaning people who are unwilling to fake their way into “belonging”
It tends to be more common for people with these traits to spend time in liminal spaces-which doesn’t necessarily mean stagnation or that something is “wrong.”
It can be a sign of an inner truth — that you’re not willing to conform just to move forward.
In all reality, it takes real courage to walk the road less traveled, to listen to the inner callings of what feels right instead of checking off life’s boxes at the so-called “right time.”
Those who can tolerate the unknown — who are willing to sit in uncertainty and trust what they can’t yet see — will likely find themselves in liminal spaces more often than most.
how to move through it
The key is to stop forcing clarity and start practicing trust. Let go of the need to fix or fast-forward.
Instead: Feel. Listen. Wait. (your new mantra)
This space asks you to slow down, to stay present, and to let the lessons rise on their own timing. See my post on slow living here if you need some direction on how to embrace slow and more intentional in order to gain clarity.
Practicing an empowering narrative such as: I’m not broken and I might feel lost, but maybe I’m not as lost as I think. Maybe I’m just becoming. Maybe this is just the stuck before the new chapter.
It reminds me of the quote:
“You necessarily have to be lost before you’re found.” - T. Scott McLeod
This suggests the idea that the feeling of being lost is often the necessary precursor to self-discovery, transformation and to the world “on the other side.”
If you’re in that in-between right now, offer yourself grace. You don’t need all the answers today-who really ever has all the answers anyway?-nobody. For now, just stay close to yourself as you move through it — one breath and one moment at a time.
for those feeling lost
maybe you’re not just waiting—you’re pausing.
maybe you’re not just alone—you’re aware.
maybe you’re not aimless—you’re between identities.
Let’s review:
At the end of the day, remember, feeling lost is often a sign that you’re in between spaces — experiencing liminality, a psychological threshold where old structures no longer fit, and the new ones haven’t yet taken form.
Knowing why you’re feeling so aimless, so stuck, so lost can, ultimately, help you move through it with more ease + flow. Carry on my friends. One step at a time
*Above image by visual artist, Amy Lynn Bjornson
AFTER THE BREAKUP: Repairing and Regaining Your Sense of Self (for the recovering co-dependent)
The panic, pain and distress that is commonly felt when a codependent relationship ends is hard to put into words. As a codependent relationship comes to an end, there’s often a “hot & cold” and “on & off” dynamic that makes the break up all the more drawn out and painful.
It can feel like the ground has been pulled out from under you—like your sense of identity, stability, and worth was tied so tightly to another person that their absence leaves you lost and in pieces. For many recovering from codependency, the breakup is not just the end of a relationship—it’s the beginning of an emotional unraveling that, while painful, also holds the potential for deep healing and self-reclamation.
If you're new to the topic of codependency here’s a helpful place to start: Codependency (what it is and how to heal) .
This post is for those navigating that raw aftermath, unsure of who they are without the other, and ready to slowly begin the work of repairing and regaining their sense of self and self respect.
What Is Codependency? (let’s refresh)
Codependency is an unhealthy pattern of emotional and psychological reliance on another person — often at the expense of your own needs, desires, and identity. When you're in a codependent dynamic, you find yourself hyper-focused on your partner’s needs while neglecting your own.
Over time, this can lead to the dissolving of key pillars in your life:
Your friendships
Family connections
Personal routines and self-care
Creative or professional goals
Time for yourself
You say yes when you mean no. You become overly responsible for the other person's mood, actions, and comfort.
You shrink. You disappear. Nothing about this way of being is doing anything of value for you; nothing.
What Gets Lost in a Codependent Relationship?
There’s a lot at stake when you let go of putting energy into yourself, while hyper focusing on your partner, which is often what happens within a co dependent dynamic.
Let’s name the core parts of you that often fall away:
✦ Self-Identity
You lose track of who you are outside the relationship. You may experience anxiety, depression, or even turn to coping behaviors to numb the disconnect.
✦ Self-Awareness
You stop checking in with your own needs, desires, and boundaries — or you feel guilty when you do as it takes the focus off of them.
✦ Self-Care
Basic needs like sleep, nutrition, scheduling doctor’s appointments, or simply doing the little things that you “used” to do for yourself fall off the radar.
✦ Core Values
You begin to bend your values to keep the peace or maintain closeness — even if it means going against what you believe to be true or value.
✦ Boundaries
You expect your partner to “just know” your limits, or you avoid expressing them for fear of conflict or abandonment.
✦ Lack of Autonomy
You may feel unsafe acting independently in the relationship, or incapable of making decisions without the other person.
✦ Self Respect
It’s common to feel very empty and lost after the break up (and even during)- You’ve spent the majority of your energy focusing on another person, so when everything is said and done you find yourself lacking self respect along with your sense of self.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave?
People in codependent relationships often stay because the thought of being alone feels terrifying. They have connected their sense of worth and meaning to another person - often a person who leaves them feeling empty and unappreciated.
Even if the relationship was draining or dysfunctional, you may find yourself longing, obsessing, or questioning your decision to leave.
Why?
Because a codependent relationship often isn't "bad" all the time. Your partner likely had moments of kindness or made promises of change. (this helped you validate why you stay and provided you hope for how it “could be.” ) The unpredictable mix of affection and hurt creates a trauma bond that makes it hard to leave and even harder to think clearly about the relationship.
The 3 R’s of the Codependent Breakup (via Dr. Ramani)
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula outlines three emotional patterns many people experience post-breakup, especially those healing from codependency:
1. Rumination
You replay the relationship endlessly:
What if I had tried harder?
Maybe I overreacted.
Was it really that bad?
You idealize the potential. You minimize the harm. Rumination is a trauma response — your mind trying to make sense of something that often never made sense to begin with. More about what rumination is here.
2. Regret
You start to blame yourself:
I should’ve seen the red flags.
Why didn’t I leave sooner?
This emotional spiral fuels your inner critic and keeps you stuck in the pain loop. It can even make you vulnerable to reconnecting with a partner who didn’t value you.
3. Reaching Out
You may feel an intense pull to reconnect — seeking closure, answers, or a “do-over.” It’s important to note that this urge is often withdrawal from the trauma bond, not clarity. Reaching out often reopens the wound you’re trying to heal.
What is the Root of Codependency?
Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern that often stems from a combination of factors including childhood trauma, dysfunctional family dynamics, and insecure attachment styles. These experiences can lead to low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self, and difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, all contributing to codependent behaviors in our adulthood relationships.
(see resources below to dive deeper into the root healing that goes into recovering from codependency.)
What the Codependent Might Feel After a Breakup
Shame or feeling “defective”
Intense fear of being alone
Panic, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts
Low self-esteem
Jealousy or fear of being replaced
Obsessive thoughts about your ex — What are they doing now? Have they moved on?
All of this is normal for the codependent to experience — but it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system is trying to recalibrate after losing what it thought was “home.” It’s the consequence from making someone outside of you “the answer” and “the source” of your own worth.
How to Rebuild After Codependency
Recovering from codependency isn’t just about “moving on.” It’s about moving inward — and reclaiming the parts of you that you’ve ignored or intentionally silenced to “keep the peace.”
In a nutshell; rebuilding is about redirecting your energy from them back to you.
Here’s where to begin to rebuild:
✦ Set Boundaries
Reclaim your right to say no, to pause, to prioritize. Boundaries will be your bridge back to self-respect.
✦ Practice Self-Care
It’s the continual small habits that you do daily that helps you maintain your whole body wellness. It's booking the dentist, taking a walk, reconnecting with the special people in your life, it’s keeping the promises that you make to yourself.
✦ Build Self-Esteem
Affirm your worth without needing external validation. Reflect on what makes you authentically you apart from your ability to feel and be needed by someone or something outside of you.
✦ Identify Codependent Patterns
Notice where you seek approval, where you avoid conflict, and where you tend to people-please. Gaining awareness around the behaviors that are in your control and working toward shifting them is the first step to change.
✦ Feel Your Feelings
Let grief, anger, sadness, and fear move through you — feel it. This is where the healing lives. If you find it difficult to “feel your feelings” feel free to read this post on how to do just that here.
✦ Be Assertive
Use your voice. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Being direct doesn't make you difficult — it how you lead with self respect my friends.
✦ Meet Your Own Needs
Tend to your body, your desires, your ambitions. Make the decision that self-abandonment is no longer an option.
Takeaway
Healing from a codependent breakup is not linear, as the healing process never is. It’s raw. It’s layered. And it can be empowering, if you allow it to be. You’re not just recovering from a relationship — you’re recovering and reviving your sense of self and self respect.
This. Is. Huge.
The pain you’re feeling isn’t a sign that you should’ve stayed.
It’s a sign that your nervous system is adjusting to freedom. A sense of freedom that’s new, and maybe not even wanted (yet), however that incongruence is normal to the process of coming back into yourself.
Be patient with yourself and continue to focus back to yourself when thoughts of the other try to pull you away from your core.
The huge shift to healing is the recognition that: You’re allowed to choose you now (and you should).
Recommended Somatic Visualization for the Codependent
Find a comfortable space that’s quiet and close your eyes.Visualize a cord that is attached to the core of your body that’s inappropriately connected to “the other” (whoever the codependent relationship is with). Continue to visualize this cord taking all of your energy and resources and sending it to the other. Recognize in this visualization that by having this cord attached to “them” you’re consequently malnourishing and depleting your life force energy. Recognize how you’re dimming your sense of self, light and love by this cord being so wrongly attached to them.
Now, visualize a pair of large scissors cutting the cord and reconnect that cord back into you; where it belongs and where it always needs to stay. Spend time sitting in the sensation of what it feels like to feel light, reviving energy flowing back into your body. Sit with this feeling of replenishing your sense of self respect, self identity and self love as long as it feels good to do so.
resources for healing codependency
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Should I Stay or Should I Go by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
*Above image by Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
Slow Living: Why Reclaiming Your Pace Is Essential for Mental Wellness
In today’s culture, we’re often rewarded for how much we can juggle, how fast we can respond, and how well we can keep it all together—often at the cost of our own well-being. I see it often in my therapy practice: clients who appear to be “functioning” on the outside while feeling disconnected, burned out, or empty on the inside. Many aren’t lacking motivation—they’re drowning in it, caught in a cycle of chronic doing.
This is where the practice of slow living becomes more than just a lifestyle aesthetic. It becomes a mental health intervention and practice to teach clients that are anxious, overwhelmed, over scheduled and burnt out.
What Is Slow Living?
Slow living isn’t about doing less just for the sake of it. It’s about reclaiming agency over your pace, your nervous system, and your presence. It’s about choosing balance and alignment over achievement. Stillness and being present over speed.
From a clinical lens, slow living supports the parasympathetic nervous system—the part of our body responsible for rest, digestion, and repair. When we live in constant urgency, our sympathetic nervous system stays activated. We’re flooded with cortisol, disconnected from our bodies, and stuck in a low-grade survival state.
I see this more and more within others and myself as life becomes more speedy with a focus on productivity.
I’ve always loved the saying “Less is more.” Slowing down allows us to shift from reaction to regulation. It makes room for reflection, for clarity, and most importantly—for ourselves and what’s important to us; What gives our lives meaning.
Why We Resist Slowness (And Why It Matters)
Slowness can feel threatening at first. For many, speeding through life is a defense mechanism—an unconscious way to avoid discomfort, grief, or unmet emotional needs. If we stop, we might feel too much. (I see this all the time) And yet, it’s so often that the very thing we fear is often the key to our healing.
In other words; where our fear lies is (usually) exactly where we need to go toward in order to heal & grow.
As a therapist, I view this cultural addiction to productivity not just as a lifestyle issue, but as a mental health one. We've been conditioned to equate our worth with output, our rest with laziness, our presence with inefficiency.
I recently had a client who was stressing about the vacation that they booked because they didn’t feel like they had “deserved it.” They didn’t feel that they have been “productive enough” to take a break despite the fact of full time employment, adequate pay checks and all the things.
what. is. happening?
But human beings aren’t designed to live in constant acceleration. We’re rhythmic, emotional and cyclical creatures. We need spaciousness—not just physically, but psychologically and emotionally. Slowness is not just a pace. It’s a way of wellness.
What Slow Living Looks Like in Practice
Slow living doesn’t require a total life makeover. It begins with small, intentional choices:
Breath before response: Pausing to notice your inner state before reacting.
Saying no without apology: Reclaiming or establishing boundaries as a nervous system regulation tool.
Single-tasking: Giving one thing your full presence rather than multitasking in a fog.
Embracing seasonal energy: Living in sync with your internal rhythms rather than forcing sameness year-round.
Letting stillness be productive: Redefining rest as active support, not wasted time.
The shift to a slower lifestyle isn’t about perfection. It’s about alignment. It’s about building a life where your inner and outer world no longer feel at war with one another. We live in a culture when we do something “good for ourselves” we can feel guilt; this is not healthy for us. This is what I want to shine a light on.
I wish for everyone to have “a break” via moments and spaces on the daily where they feel present & alive.
Slowness as Self-Respect
Ultimately, choosing slow living is choosing self-respect. It’s acknowledging that your body, your mind, and your spirit were not built for constant demand.
In my own life, as both a therapist and a pursuer of living more minimally and present, I’ve found that slowness is where clarity comes. I often have my greatest insights when I intentionally give myself an outlet to breathe. For me this can look like quiet time at the beach or when I gift myself a trip for R & R or just those everyday moments (usually in the early hours of the morning or evening) to breathe and reset. These are the moments that ground me. And they’re often where the real work happens—quietly, beneath the surface.
Reflective Prompt
If you're noticing exhaustion, disconnection, or a sense of "going through the motions," I invite you to ask:
“What am I rushing through—and why?”
“What would it feel like to live slower & deeper?”
Slow living is not a luxury. It's a necessary form of mental health in a world that often pulls us away from ourselves.
You’re allowed to move more slowly. In fact, your nervous system is begging for it. (so is mine.)
Want more reflections like this? Subscribe to my IAMWELL newsletter for my most recent mental health insights and recent happenings to support a life grounded in slow living, well being & the mind-body connection.
Creating Authentic Connection (how to (really) get to know someone)
As a therapist it’s been pretty wild to be in the room with engaged or married couples who’ve actually never asked each other questions that some of you may consider “The Basics” when considering spending a lifetime together.
QUESTIONS SUCH AS:
Do you want kids?
Where would you want to live once married?
How would we handle our finances if we tie the knot?
What would the holidays look like with our families if we couple up?
What do you consider “adventurous” traveling?
Avoiding, what some would consider, such “obvious” questions says something about how vulnerable and uncomfortable it can be for some of us to genuinely connect & get real.
BEFORE WE DIVE INTO THIS; HERE’S A DIRTY LITTLE TRUTH
How honest and connected we can be with others aligns with how real, truthful & connected we are to ourselves.
I don’t think that there’s anyway around this. To preface this post; the first step toward gaining more authentic connection is to increase our level of self awareness so we can be as authentic as possible with ourselves. Having the ability to be real with ourselves; will allow us to be equally real with the important people in our lives.
WHY ASKING DEEPER QUESTIONS CAN BE HARD
Sometimes we stay in relationships and don’t want to know the hard answers because some answers may require us to face a truth that we’re not ready to face. Sometimes we unconsciously might know what an answer to a specific question may be and avoid “going there” because it would require us to have to change or take action in a way that we don’t want to deal with.
Simply put, we may refrain from asking the deeper questions because we fear what we’ll hear.
What we might hear can ruin our dream or fantasy of who we want that person to be or what we've already decided the relationship is going to look and feel like.
When fear leads and we’re set on a preconceived idea and plan of how we want the relationship to be & go, we live in a place of assuming rather than truly knowing. Assumptions lead to a lot of misunderstanding and chaos.
Avoiding difficult conversations that allow someone to further self disclose, puts us more at risk of staying in and entertaining relationships that are not for us.
Whatever may be the case; just like everything in life; what we don’t deal with or face doesn’t go away. What we avoid will eventually lead us toward negative coping mechanisms.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Intentional, clear and well directed questions allow us to get to know the deeper layers of a person and often lead to bigger conversations about relevant life topics. Topics that help us discern if a certain someone fits into our value system and aligns with our morals for the long run.
Tactful, well thought out questions are the gateway toward determining if someone is, ultimately, the "right" fit for us.
If what you're looking for is a real and healthy connection, go toward the questions that are likely to provoke conversations that can unveil the truth.
The responses, reactions and answers that we get from the questions that we pose to our partner or within our relationships help us to discover more of “the truth.” With more clarity and truth we then have valuable information to make thoughtful decisions for ourselves and our relationship lives.
I always like to say: when you say the truth you see the truth.
It takes time to really get to know another. For example, only time will reveal how a person shows up in the face of loss, death, hardship, disaster or when an uncomfortable situation presents. There's always more to get to know as people have many facets and deep layers beyond the initial "getting to know you phase.”
A KEY QUALITY TO HEALTHY CONNECTION
An ability to “be with” discomfort says volumes about one’s emotional capacity. In terms of looking for healthy connection, looking for signs that the person on the other end of you is emotionally mature is incredibly important. It’s very difficult to connect deeply with someone that lacks the ability to be emotionally available or mature.
With that said; let’s clear something up: Difficult questions can and often do bring up uncomfortable feelings. Discomfort is not negative; it’s just is.
Watching someone have the emotional capacity to work through discomfort without shutting down, handling it negatively or turning on you is important for you to witness.
A healthy emotional place to aim for is being able to allow discomfort without negative reaction. It’s realizing that looking at what’s real sometimes involves facing hurt or painful places. Having the emotional maturity to “face the truth” and deal with the emotions that “the truth” brings up is a skill that’s invaluable for both you and your partner to have in order for healthy, long term connection.
TIPS TO DETERMINE IF A RELATIONSHIP IS A GOOD MATCH
Ask intentional questions and pay attention to answers & actions. (How does your partners responses make you feel?)
Pay attention to personal integrity, honesty and an ability to be authentic, vulnerable & emotionally mature.
Does their answers to your questions align with their consistent actions? (always look for words & actions matching)
Is who they portray themselves to be via words match and align with how they show up with you and in the world?
Do you feel good and energized after you spend time with them or indifferent and drained? (pay attention to how you feel after being around another’s energy.)
What should you do with the information you learn from asking questions?
Pay attention. Be intentional with your questions and look for ways that your partner aligns with the aspects of life that you have decided are important to you. Look for alignment with your priorities, morals, life values, etc. Also, be mindful of the small stuff; "how they treat the waitress." Noticing how your partner interacts consistently with the world around them can help inspire questions and can answer some without any dialogue needed.
“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.” - Mark Twain
If you’re at a loss with the kind of questions that can allow for more insight & deeper connection with another; here are some examples:
What’s one topic that you would take a stand for?
What’s are the qualities that you value in yourself and others?
What values and ways of being do you think create a healthy relationship?
What is one of the most important relationships in your life and why?
"What is one of the biggest regrets you have in life?"
"What is the most challenging thing you've ever had to overcome?"
"How do you feel about your relationship with your family?"
"If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?"
As always, thank you for reading and being here with me. For any questions, topic suggestions or even if you just want to let me know how you are; feel free to reach out HERE.
*Above image by photographer & visual artist Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Rumination vs. Anxiety (Symptoms, Explanations and Practices to Help)
It could seem as though rumination is just a fancy word for anxiety, yet in the world of mental health, they're closely related, but not the same thing.
This post goes over the differences between rumination and anxiety, so you can better understand what’s happening if you struggle with either of these mental health issues. I also will break down whole body health ways to eliminate these reactions so you can break free from the self imposed prison that these behaviors put us in.
Rumination is when your mind keeps going over the same thoughts on a mental loop that can feel impossible to have control over. The thoughts that we repeat are usually negative ones—like replaying a conversation or worrying about what you should have done.
Anxiety is excessive worry about the future or fear of what might happen. Anxiety can show up very physically via the body with symptoms like a racing heart, tension, or restlessness.
A quick tip to help you decipher between the two is, rumination is more reflective (past-focused), while anxiety is more anticipatory (future-focused). One can build upon another in the sense that people with anxiety tend to ruminate more, and rumination can increase anxious feelings.
2 types of ruminating
Reflective Rumination; evaluating. asking why; trying to figure it out
Brooding; comparison. comparing your situation with an expected, conventional or self imposed standard that you have not achieved.
why do i ruminate?
People start to ruminate for a mix of psychological, emotional, and sometimes biological reasons. In all reality rumination is an unconscious habit, not something people choose. In a nutshell, it’s an ineffective way that we try to manage distress.
#1 False Belief: Some think ruminating will lead to answers or “more control” over a specific situation, even though it rarely does. You think that if you think hard enough and figure out how to “fix it”; you then will find the answer and “solve the problem” leading to resolution.
This is actually where I witness many people grasp for control, manipulate situations to get their way and, ultimately, self destruct.
Here are some common reasons why we ruminate:
Unresolved trauma or conflict: The mind keeps looping, trying to "solve" or make sense of past pain.
Perfectionism: Believing that obsessively reviewing actions or decisions can help to avoid making mistakes.
Low self-esteem: When we don’t feel good about ourselves we carry around a lot of self doubt which can lead us to dwell on perceived inadequacies or failures.
Anxiety or depression: Both of these mental health conditions promote overthinking and worry.
Lack of coping skills: When healthier tools aren’t available, the brain defaults to rumination.
Unmet emotional needs: The mind may revisit painful situations as a way to seek resolution or understanding.
symptoms of rumination:
Persistent overthinking about past events or mistakes
Inability to let go of a specific worry or thought
Replaying conversations or scenarios in your head
Feeling stuck in negative thought cycles
Increased anxiety or sadness as a result of overthinking
Difficulty sleeping due to mental looping
Trouble focusing on the present moment or daily tasks
Seeking reassurance excessively, yet still feeling unsettled
Self-criticism or guilt that feels hard to shake
Physical tension, like headaches or muscle tightness from stress
I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me that have been deeply struggling with anxiety and or rumination all their lives without realizing that this way of being was negative; they just thought it was a normal way to feel and be. They didn’t realize that it was an unhealthy way that they’ve been trying to manage their stress and discomfort. With some education around what healthy vs. unhealthy coping looks like, they were able to acknowledge that the uncontrollable thinking and doom predicting was lowering the quality of their lives and creating a lot of internal suffering.
When we’ve “always” been a certain way we don’t know that anything could or should be different. Our homeostasis is what we consider to be “normal;” for worse or for better.
know thy enemy:
We can’t heal or course correct something that we don’t have awareness around. We can’t heal something that we actively choose to avoid or can’t see the truth of.
Simply said; you can’t fix something that you don’t think is broken. For that reason, here are some common and (sneaky) symptoms that can be due to your anxiety.
Let’s Talk Anxiety
why do i have anxiety?
People develop anxiety for a mix of reasons—biological, psychological, and environmental. Here are some key factors:
Genetics: Anxiety can run in families; some people are more biologically wired to be anxious.
Brain chemistry: Imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and GABA can heighten anxiety.
Childhood experiences: Overly critical environments, trauma, or unpredictability early in life can wire the nervous system for hypervigilance.
Stress overload: Chronic stress (work, relationships, finances) can trigger or worsen anxiety.
Personality traits: Highly sensitive, perfectionistic, or people-pleasing types are more prone to develop anxiety over time.
Learned behavior: Growing up around anxious caregivers can internalize anxious coping patterns.
Lack of safety or control: Situations where people feel powerless or unsupported often spark anxiety.
Medical conditions: Thyroid issues, heart problems, or hormonal shifts can mimic or cause anxiety symptoms.
At its core, anxiety is the body’s alarm system stuck in “high alert” mode.
symptoms of anxiety:
trouble concentrating or making decisions
feeling irritable, tense or restless
experiencing nausea or abdominal distress
having heart palpitations
sweating, trembling or shaking
trouble sleeping
having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
constant worry
“what if” thoughts
lack of concentration
ruminative thoughts
less obvious symptoms of anxiety:
indecision
stagnation in your life
lack of control of your life; life happens to you vs. you making clear choices about your life.
avoidance of situations or people that will trigger your anxiety
Action: the antidote to anxiety
what action does:
it helps you feel in control of what you can be in control of.
it helps you take an active role in your life where you’re engaging in creating your future instead of sitting in stagnation waiting for “it” to happen to you.
it helps you become more present.
whole body health ways toward healing
BODY
massage: helps shift your body out of "fight-or-flight" (sympathetic) mode and into "rest-and-digest" (parasympathetic) mode. This leads to: Lowered heart rate, slower breathing, decreased blood pressure and a sense of calm and safety.
cold exposure: known to reset the nervous system by “shocking” your system into presence, then settling it. Cold exposure can also helps you face and work through discomfort.
exercise: balances brain chemistry, reduces stress hormones, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, interrupts the anxiety thought loop (gets you put of your head), improves sleep, increases your levels of energy and confidence and helps you to emotionally regulate.
breath work: breath work activates the parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest). Slow, deep breathing sends a biological signal to your body: “You are safe.”
*I really like practicing box breathing because it’s so simple. I start by closing my eyes and visualizing making a square in my mind with my breathe then:
Inhale – 4 seconds (Slowly breathe in through your nose, filling your lungs completely.)
Hold – 4 seconds (Pause at the top of your breath. Stay still and relaxed.)
Exhale – 4 seconds (Gently breathe out through your mouth or nose, emptying your lungs fully.)
Hold – 4 seconds (repeat for 2-3 minutes)
MIND
affect labeling: name what you feel by putting your emotions into words. “Name it to tame it.”- Dr. Dan Siegel
ex: "I'm feeling anxious, and that's okay.”
cognitive reframing: helps to challenge and shift negative thoughts.
ex: Ask: “Is this thought helpful or true?”
grounding techniques: helps to anchor your mind in the present, which disrupts anxious thought loops.
practice: 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
thought stopping: interrupts anxiety loops by, literally, stopping the thought.
ex: Say “Stop” (silently or aloud)
mindfulness & meditation: mindfulness trains your brain to observe thoughts without attaching to them.
practice: 5–10 minutes of focused awareness (on breath, sound, or body) can help reduce anxiety.
journaling: write down your worries, thoughts, or a list of what's going right. Mental Health Benefits of Journaling (A Practice To Help You Live More Mindfully)
*Blog image by visual artist & photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
Grieving A Never Life (The Life That Didn't Happen)
what is a never life?
A never life is the life that didn’t happen.
It’s the path that you didn’t go down. It’s the life that you once dreamed of having that, for whatever reason, never came to be. It’s what we thought, expected or hoped would happen, but didn’t.
A never life could be grief over the career we never explored, the relationship that didn’t work out, the city that we left unexplored, the kids we never had, the relationship with our parents that wasn’t & still isn’t….. it can show up in many different forms and it’s incredibly unique to us and our journey.
The kind of grieve and pain that “a never life” can activate can easily be overlooked by others because only we know the unseen desire we carry inwardly for what never was.
In her Dear Sugar column, Cheryl Strayed talks about the idea of a "sister life" (sometimes called "ghost ship" or "parallel life.”)
The basic idea of a sister life is this:
A "sister life" is the life you didn’t live — but could have lived — if you had made different choices, or if circumstances had been different. It’s the version of you that exists in theory, not in reality.
If you’re grieving a "never life," you’re experiencing one of the loneliest kinds of grief.
This is true because it’s invisible. There's no funeral, no white roses, no rituals, no casseroles dropped at your door or acknowledgement of the pain from the outside.
But inside, it's devastating. You and only you alone know the pain of a never life.
You are in a real grief process when mourning a never life.
It’s not about "getting over” it.
Rather that getting over it, coping and getting beyond the pain of a never life entails:
Letting yourself feel the layers of it, without trying to rush, avoid the pain of or minimize it.
It’s about eventually — slowly & gently — letting new seeds of life grow from a scorched earth of a dead dream.
Not to replace what you lost — nothing can — but to honor the fact that you are still here. You are still alive and because this is so, life must move forward in order for you to find happiness.
If you are in the mist of feeling the pain and loss of a never life; perhaps right now, it’s not about "moving on." Maybe right now, it’s about sitting with the black ash of what never happened and saying:
"This never life really mattered to me. This not happening for me hurts AND I will not let this define me. I will not allow this to be the climax of my story. I will not abandon myself here.”
The way out is moving toward acceptance
Ask yourself: what unborn dreams do I have that can still come to fruition? What dreams can still happen for me that would bring me joy, fulfillment, etc.? Maybe you say “none.'“ If so, okay; but work on allowing the space for new ones to emerge.
Remember that there are dreams that can still happen for you.
Here’s what’s important to remember and accept about the future:
It may look different than what you pictured. It may arrive slowly & unexpectedly. Your ability to experience what you desire — that part of you can be brought back to life; especially after it’s been numbed out by the pain of what didn’t happen; the pain of a never life.
I hope for these words to support you through your difficult feelings. Much love & resilience to you if you’re working through the pain of a never life. I’ve been there and sometimes revisit the pain of my never life as my actual reality continues to unfold. I notice that the pain more quickly passes when I allow the hard, painful feelings to be there rather than mask them and avoid them.
I think we all have things that we wish went differently; that’s human & real and it doesn’t need to define us.
I’ve learned that the only way beyond something hard; is through. In order to heal something you must face it and so is true with the pain that arises from a never life.
*Image by Photographer & Visual Artist Amy Lynn Bjornson
Below are some related resources for you:
The Power of Your Words (what you say (or don't say) can change everything)
I think we’ve all had moments where our responses have been reactive; rather then intentional. This often leads down a rabbit hole of feeling guilt, shame and regret of what was said and so the cycle goes.
I know I can relate to this dance. can you?
This post is my attempt to provide a reflective read in order for you to take a step back, pause, recenter and (re) remind yourself of some essential truths around healthy & effective communication.
I found these communication tips below inspired by Jefferson Fisher to be incredibly powerful and helpful, so I wanted to share the valuable insights with you.
you meaning; my people, my community. yes, you! let’s get into it.
Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. - lao TZU
These quick and actionable communication tips have the capacity to improve your relationships (including the one with yourself) because speaking in a self respecting and intentional way positively impacts everyone.
A lot of these suggestions are about saying less or nothing at all, as silence is powerful. Speaking with discernment is powerful. Less is often more when it comes to the power of communication.
If all you take from this read is to become more intentional and discerning around when you speak; than I’ve done my work here. Speak when you have something relevant to say and, on the contrary, know when to leave room for silence, for empty space (which can be difficult for many of us to do.)
Some of us find silence uncomfortable. Gaps in conversations awkward, so in order to prevent discomfort we talk. We talk when we have nothing to say because we’ve convinced ourselves that mindless chatter is better than dealing with silence.
This is such a false truth; and potentially repels those in the room that are seeking more depth and connection.
When I was becoming a therapist, one of the first things I was taught, was how to “sit with the silence in the room.” To be with the space. To be mindful not to fill the gaps in communication that happen in a client session. This is an important space for a therapist to hold for their clients. Those gaps that you leave space for are sometimes when really important moments or insights happen, as growth needs space.
Below are 3 basic communication tips to be mindful of for more concise, clear and direct communication:
tip #1 eliminate adjectives: be mindful not to abuse “filler words” such as: just, like, really, actually. This is especially true when we’re publicly speaking or looking to convey an important point. (I need to work on this)
tip #2 be cognizant of your tone and pace of words; remember that clarity exudes confidence. Confidence speaks slowly and clearly; This can be a great tip to remember when you find yourself in a situation where someone is trying to talk over you. You can convey your self respect and hold the attention by slowing your speech, keeping a clear tone and continuing on with your point.
tip #3 how to spot false truths: liars tend to speak fast and answer questions quickly.
When you have nothing to hide it’s more common to take your time while articulating your thoughts. When you’re looking to spot someone’s ability for honesty, note cadence of speech, fast, wordy and fragmented answers, space filling and intentional redirection of the conversation and the topic. This often can be a redirection back toward you.
ex: “where was I today? where were YOU today?”
confidence is quiet ; ego is loud
3 tips for difficult communication:
1. breathe
Especially when you’re feeling defensiveness surfacing: breathe. Before responding, practice calming your nervous system with a deep breath so you are less likely to be reactive and give yourself a moment of recollection to respond with well intention.
here’s how:
pause
leave 5-7 seconds of space
talk with intent by talking slowly and calmly
2. don’t be afraid to ask:
When in the mist of a heated conversation, don’t be afraid to ask:
“did you really mean that?” (did you really mean what you said, did, etc?)
What this does is it gives the other person the chance to think about the hurtful, hateful, potentially offensive thing that they said and gives them the opportunity to respond in a healthier, more conflict resolved way.
This is especially beneficial in relationships where we feel or know that the other person has our best interest at heart. This question has the capacity to clear conflict in a more productive way by providing an “olive branch” for the other to course correct with in the mist of a heated conflict.
3. be truthful & direct with your responses
A sign of emotional maturity is being able to speak the truth clearly and with respect. This does a couple of things:
when you say the truth; you see the truth.
This is so because when you know how to speak honestly and with well intention, it reveals who can and (can’t) match you. People who are uncomfortable with the truth will not be able to sustain a truthful homeostasis, which you eventually will uncover by being and remaining honest on your end. It’s too uncomfortable for them; so saying the truth will help you identify where people stand. Then you get to decide what action you want or need to take in order for you to carry on with your self respect, way of being, etc.
you eliminate a lot of assumptions and false stories when you center on the truth.
Loads of confusion results when someone is “beating around the bush” and not being direct in their communication. This is so because the truth is usually more simple; it’s not noisy. The truth can be hard; but it won’t be chaotic. The truth can cause chaos depending on the reaction of the receiver, however that is not the fault of saying the truth; that’s more indicative of where the other person’s comfort zone lies with the truth.
When in doubt remember: The truth is fact. Fact is stable and steady.
key communication tip:
what to say when you really don’t want to go: (meaning “go” to the event, the party, the dinner, the whatever it is that everything in your body is saying a big, fat inward “NO” toward.)
Here’s an example of a simple dialogue to build around:
I can’t make it. (clear, not wordy, truth, being direct)
Thank you for the invite (expressing gratitude)
Have a good time at (fill in the activity or event.) (expressing kindness)
Declining an invite doesn’t need to cause mental torture. It does not need to leave you feeling guilt ridden. It does not need to be wordy. It is not unkind to have no reason for the decline. You do not need to explain why you “can’t make it.” It’s perfectly okay & mature to say ‘NO” directly, concisely and respectfully. Believe it.
final words:
Working on your communication skills is a practice that will serve you greatly as the quality of your relationships has been researched to be the biggest predictor of a happy, well lived life.
until next time my friends. hungry for more on this topic? see below for some additional resources.
*Blog image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Honing A Growth Mindset (A Major Mental Health Hack)
The further I proceed along my personal growth journey; the more I realize how mindset is everything.
Lately, I keep circling back to the most simple of concepts in the world of psychology. There are new fancy names for old school psychological theories and practices providing material for in trend and eye catching branding, yet when it comes down to it; I like to lead with the powerful, simple truths.
I’m not fancy. I can promise you that I will always do my best to lead with truth and I ask you to call me out if I ever show up any other way but raw & real.
Lets get into exploring the power of a growth mindset so you can make any nips & tucks to your mindset in order to thrive and carry on in the way you truly desire.
what is a growth mindset?
A growth mindset is a concept popularized by Stanford professor and psychologist Carol Dweck. It’s the belief that our abilities, intelligence and what’s possible can be developed through dedication, effort, hard work and learning.
It’s a mindset that focuses on an internal locus of control. This means that we believe that we have a lot of control in terms of the changes and results that we can get from our life via the actions that we take, the persistence that we embody & the beliefs and mindset that we choose. A growth mindset is grounded by a belief that life could be better (and will be) as you take the actions to change your experience.
In simple terms; A growth mindset believes that your abilities can be developed through effort and learning.
So, what’s the opposite of a growth mindset?
what is a fixed mindset?
A fixed mindset is the opposite of a growth mindset. This way of thinking is limited and fixed based on what you believe to be your natural abilities. With a fixed mindset you tend to shy away from making effort and doing the hard work because you believes that if you don’t naturally embody it; you shy away from the challenge or hard work to attain it.
In a nutshell; it’s the thought that : “If I don’t have the natural ability; why try?” This thought is so because you see your abilities to be fixed.
With a fixed mindset; you’re limited in believing that your growth is based on your innate capabilities, which you believe to be unchangeable. Those with a fixed mindset tend to avoid challenges and see failure as a reflection of their inherent limitations.
You can see how this can lead to a big old train wreck of many missed chances and opportunities because of the cap that you’re putting on your own capabilities.
Let’s say it straight: A fixed mindset is the belief that abilities, intelligence, and talents are static traits that cannot be developed. This mindset likes to give a lot of credit to your talent; believing that talent alone determines success. With beliievng this to be true, you naturally put in less effort to improve or create change in your life.
How a Fixed Mindset Will Limit You:
1. Limited Growth and Development
People with a fixed mindset avoid challenges because they fear failure. This leads to complacency and stagnation.
2. Increased Fear of Failure
A fixed mindset makes failure very personal. Individuals see failure as a reflection of their abilities rather than an opportunity to grow & expand their skills.
This fear of failure leads to decreased risk-taking and innovation.
3. Avoidance of Challenges
With a fixed mindset individuals tend to stick to what they know rather than trying new things.
This results in missed opportunities for personal and professional growth.
4. Negative Self-Perception
Never trying anything new doesn’t allow you the space to prove to yourself that : YOU. CAN. DO. HARD. THINGS. This leads to the dangerous belief that you are incapable, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self worth.
When you don’t feel of high value you tend to take criticism more personally instead of constructively.
5. Difficulty in Relationships and Collaboration
How we feel about ourselves has everything to do with how we show up and respond within our relationships. Our ability to communicate effectively will be compromised with a negative self-perception.
6. Reduced Resilience
Challenging yourself will be limited with the mindset that if your not naturally gifted; you might as well not try. This leave you less resilient and not really up for a challenge.
Now; let’s get into the good stuff. It seems pretty obvious to me that the way to aim is toward cultivating a growth mindset.
Here are 7 science-backed benefits and key traits of having a growth mindset:
1. You’re More Resilient, Persistent & Motivated
Research shows that taking on a growth mindset increases resilience, perseverance and motivation by encouraging individuals to focus on overall improvement vs. specific performance goals. When the focus is on effort and development (on becoming better) we have a greater inner desire to learn and grow.
2. You’re Better At Problem-Solving
Our ability to think in creative and expansive ways increases with a growth mindset. A growth mindset allows us to think and challenge the limited constructs and standard conventional thinking of our world.
This is where innovation, new ideas and fresh perspectives live.
3. You Have Less Fear of Failure
With a growth mindset, failure is viewed as a learning experience rather than a lack of one’s abilities, allowing for more risk taking. Failure is aligned with an ability to take chances and expand one’s comfort zone rather that a knock on your personal abilities and sense of self.
This allows for less fear and anxiety around taking chances which leads to more self expansion & growth, which tends to expose and unleash your unlimited potential.
4. You Have Better Relationships
A study in Psychological Science by Yeager et al. (2013) found that individuals with a growth mindset were more likely to maintain positive relationships. These individuals where found to address conflicts constructively, as they believed that they could work through differences and improve their interpersonal skills.
When it comes to relationships, when we have a growth mindset we believe that relationships can evolve positively over time with effective communication and effort.
5. You’re More Self-Efficient & Confident
A growth mindset is all about learning and growing. Proving to ourselves that we can do hard things and learn new skills provides us with the self confidence to face new, unknown challenges. It allows us to go toward fear because we are continuously working the muscle of tolerating challenge and discomfort. When we practice proving to ourselves that we can get through and handle uncomfortable situations we increase our self confidence.
To say it straight: people with a growth mindset are more likely to set challenging goals, work hard to achieve them, try new things and bounce back from setbacks.
6. Your Mental Health is Better
Adopting a growth mindset allows us to combat feelings of learned helplessness, which is when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so.
When challenges arise; a person with a growth mindset asks:
“What is this challenge here to teach me?”
vs
“Why is this challenge happening to me?”
Taking on a growth mindset helps us generally believe that hardships come and are sprinkled with life lessons. This leads us to view our struggles as opportunities for personal development vs. disasters trying to take us down.
remember; whatever you believe to be true; is true.
7. You Embrace Change
Embracing change and new situations is a skill set that you spend a lot of time conditioning with a growth mindset. You practice gently pushing yourself to experience positive change & new things because you know that those skills will help you to grow & expand. You realize that more opportunities for growth, a life fulfilled and self expansion live outside your comfort zone.
Do You Have A Growth or Fixed Mindset? (questions to help you evaluate your mindset)
do you try to look more talented or smarter than others?
do you avoid challenges that could show any lack of natural talent?
do you tend to attribute success to natural ability rather than your hard work, persistence or effort?
do you think that needing to work harder than others means your less talented in comparison to them?
*If you answered yes to any of these questions; you may want to do some work on honing more of a growth mindset.
final thoughts & story telling time:
Success often comes from struggle, facing and overcoming hardship and challenges. Here’s a story of grit & persistence to really lock my point in.
A Story of Persistence and Success
Ed Sheeran is a singer/song writer who began his music journey as a teenager, performing at small gigs. In 2008, with just a backpack and guitar he moved to London,; playing in small venues and often sleeping on friends’ couches or on the streets when he had nowhere to stay.
After efforts to break into the music industry followed by rejections from record labels, he continued his persistence toward his dream by building his fan base through YouTube and social media. His breakthrough moment came in 2010 when he flew to Los Angeles without any sort of plan or connections and played at open mic nights. It was then that he caught the eye of actor and musician Jamie Foxx, who offered him his recording studio.
From there, in 2011, his career launched as he created and released an independent Collaborations Project, which gained online popularity and led to a record deal with Atlantic Records.
As you may or may not know; Ed Sheeran is a thing; he is a world renowned musician.
So there you have it; those of us who are able to believe in ourselves, face the challenges, the rejection, the struggle thrive. Persistence does pay off my friends. Some of us just quit too soon to see our dreams or wants pay off. If we keep going strong, something has to eventually catch us, right?
why not believe this to be true?
I’ll never forget a moment in my life when I was at a cross roads and happened to sit by “the right” person on a plane ride to Big Island, Hawaii in my mid twenties. He was around my age and was going back to Hawaii to “see about a girl” (one of my favorite lines from Good Will Hunting) whom he had quickly & briefly fallen for weeks prior and was heading back to the islands to take a chance on love and risk putting his heart “out there” to see what could happen. (I sometimes wonder what happened to him and them.)
His ability to step into the unknown, be vulnerable and pursue where his heart wanted to be inspired me then and still does today when I think about that plane ride. It also makes me think of this quote:
“Leap and the net will appear.” – John Burroughs
So there you have it friends; hard work, courage, persistence, motivation, self confidence, raw & true belief in yourself, grit, mental strength, thinking outside the box; these are traits that can be honed with desire, patience and practice.
I believe in you; do you believe in yourself? I hope you do.
If not, I will believe in you, until you have the want or courage or what have you to believe in yourself.
Thanks for reading. Until next time.
*Blog Image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Resentment (How it's Wrecking Havoc in Your Relationships & Life)
“if you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time.”
-Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now
Easier said than done, I know, yet doing our best to work through feelings of ill will toward another will keep our minds and bodies clear of emotional residue.
Allowing our negative feelings to build up over time to the point where we’re holding grudges toward others and imprisoned in feelings of anger and resentment can have a severe and negative impact on our lives.
Resentment can change and taint us if left unaddressed. It’s the silent killer of relationships as passive aggressive comments and stewing negative emotions cause us to react in ways we’re not proud of while causing strain in our relationship world.
Resentment can cause us to see through distorted negative lenses, leading us to read others intentions inaccurately, which impacts us from deeply and authentically connecting.
Every time we stew in our frustrations, irritations and general negative emotions without resolve; we become more disconnected from the truth of who we are. As we get further away from our truth; we lose our ability to function in a healthy way and everything gets complicated from there.
To say it boldly and clearly, enough resentment will slowly kill your relationships and chip away at your self worth, essence and presence if it gets deep enough.
Let’s avoid this spiderweb effect; shall we? Let’s get into how to recognize, acknowledge & cope with resentment so we can remain healthy & well despite life’s challenges.
what causes resentment
Resentment can present any time when we feel like we’ve been wronged. This could look like being taken advantage of, not being treated with respect, or not feeling heard or validated.
Resentment can accumulate over little moments and comments that remain unaddressed and build up over time. It can also show up within a singular, defining event or situation where we feel undervalued, mistreated or dismissed.
examples of situations that can cause resentment
Feeling taken advantage of
Being dismissed, ignored, overlooked or devalued
Feeling disrespected
Having unrealistic expectations about others or the world
Maintaining relationships with people who consistently put their needs before yours (without consideration of your needs.)
Being around people who undermine your authority or ability
signs you’re carrying resentment
Feeling anxiety, tense and discomfort when you’re around the person you believe treated you unjustly
Avoiding conflict or interaction with any persons attached to your feelings of resentment
Obsessive overthinking about the person, the incident or interaction that you hold resentment for
Talking negatively to others about the person you have resentment for
Ignoring, avoiding or not admitting the pain around the situation or person causing your resentful feelings.
Distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the person you feel resentment toward
feelings associated with resentment
lethargy, sadness, depleted energy
Disappointment
Anger & frustration
Hostile, bitter or revengeful emotions
Fear
Blame or self-blame
shame or guilt
Feeling unworthy, or generally dismissed and undervalued
Regret
Using resentment to avoid dealing with a person or situation that we hold resentment for can come out in self sabotaging, sneaky ways. Here are some ways that we can use resentment to avoid dealing with conflict directly.
resentment can be used to
Self Protect; protecting yourself from being vulnerable and “being hurt again”
To feel “in control”
Avoid addressing the inward and deeper rooted issues within yourself or with the other person
Avoid difficult conversations and potential conflict
Avoid self responsibility
Avoid dealing with the situation
key steps to address resentment
If you are not a newbie to the world of self development, then you’re familiar with the saying that “awareness is key.” Having the awareness that what you are experiencing is, in fact, resentment, can direct you toward how to work through it.
key steps toward working through resentment
Identify the root cause
Self reflect on the situation that triggered your resentment and work toward understanding what specifically caused you to feel this way.Acknowledge & allow yourself to feel your emotions
Avoiding feeling difficult emotions is how they can build up and, potentially, turn into a mound of resentment. Don't suppress your feelings. Accept that you’re feeling resentful and allow yourself to experience those emotions fully in order for them to be processed and pass.(more on how to feel difficult emotions here.)
See it from a different angle
Having an open mind is one of the most beneficial tools that you can cultivate. Being open minded allows you to consider life from different perspectives. This will help you move through difficult situations with an ability to heal and move forward without latching onto unhealthy coping mechanisms or negative perspectives. Always ask yourself if you can try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This question can help remove any blind spots or offer a different way of seeing a situation that can potentially change your feelings around it.
Remember that you don’t have to agree with someone to dissolve conflict and move forward.
Forgive
Practicing forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness for others is a practice. Forgiveness always, first and foremost, is for you. I know that this is counter intuitive to some, however, releasing yourself from resentment, revengeful and hateful feelings is, ultimately, for you my friend. Although it might be hard to let go of resentment, finding a perspective or lesson in the pain is how you can move toward acceptance. Eventually and in due time, making peace with what happened will increase your sense of general well-being.
Communicate respectfully, directly and openly
It’s amazing what some of us will do to avoid talking about the problem with the person who we have a problem with.We will spend hours thinking about it, stewing on it, talking to others about it; all actions that can actually brew more resentment. Save hours, months and years from your life by learning about Healthy conflict resolution. Knowing how to address conflict is a key life tool that will benefit you and all of your relationships greatly.
Establish boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries when it comes to yourself, your relationships and how you live your life is a game changer. Sometimes we hold resentment toward others because they took advantage of the fact that we didn’t have good boundaries ourselves.We can spend countless hours pointing the finger at them; or we can look to ourselves and what we can control, which is tightening up our ability to have healthy boundaries.
*Note to self- It’s important to be respectful of ourselves in order to get the respect that we desire from others.
Focus on the now
Nothing good will ever come from dwelling on the past. Usually, an inability to get your mind out of the past is a sign that your current life situation is underwhelming you. Work on shifting your focus to positive aspects of your life now or start making small changes to help move your life forward.Lead with self compassion. Being resentful as a coping mechanism is not a healthy, long term solution. Holding onto external resentment gets in the way of you having a loving and healthy relationship with yourself. What we put “out there” in this world will always be reflected back to us in some way, shape or form. Having a loving relationship with ourself and leading with that will help us work through and dissolve our resentful emotions.
As with all self development topics; everything is connected. This is why I like to focus on whole body wellness. Resentment not only lives in the mind, it also manifests into physical symptoms overtime within the body.
I’ve seen resentment manifest into chronic illness. I’ve seen it destroy relationships. I’ve seen it kill hope.
My hope is for this post to strategically guide you through some actionable steps to address any negative, deep rooted and painful feelings that you may not know how to cope with so you can healthfully move on.
Thank you for being here. One step at a time. Change often involves doing something small and different, day after day. If you don’t know where to aim; focus on little shifts-one micro shift of change at a time.
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Signs It’s Time To Emotionally Detach From Someone (Steps to Take)
In this article I’m speaking to the conscious choice to detach from a relationship that we feel is compromising our inner peace and well being. It takes maturity and self awareness to walk away from a relationship where there has been significant emotional investment, yet we’ve deemed the connection is no longer healthy for us to continue.
There’s a big difference between coping with a “heartbreak” vs. coping with a detachment from a relationship where you have to disconnect aspects of yourself that were never healthy to connect in the first place. (this is usually very unconscious)
Meaning, sometimes we attach things like our sense of self worth, our self identity, our sense of safety or stability on a romantic partner or relationship. This is when “losing” them will create an inward panic that disrupts everything and shakes us to the core. A catastrophic response to the ending of a relationship is usually a sign that those aspects of self were placed on the other person.
*If you find yourself in that kind of depth of pain that feels unbearable as you’re detaching from another, it might be due to a codependent dynamic with your partner. For more information, read my post on codependency HERE.
This article will guide you through the kinds of feelings that you will likely experience when a relationship has run it’s course. Emotional detachment can be a positive choice to make and a way to positively cope when a relationship is taking more from you than it’s giving.
The choice to emotionally detach requires courage and self love. It’s a choice that can redirect your life in a positive way.
Needless to say that this decision can also be a very hard and painful one to make.
Generally speaking, detachment is a way for us to create emotional space from another in order to deal with the stress and anxiety that a relationship may bring. Emotional detachment provides the necessary distance for us to establish clear and healthy boundaries for ourselves so we can move forward in a healthy way.
*To preface this post: Emotional detachment as a long term solution to cope with discomfort can become problematic if it becomes an overused coping tool that affects your ability to form healthy relationships with other people. (We’ll go over unhealthy forms of emotional detachment below, so you can identify the difference.)
What It Means to Detach?
Detachment is the practice of seeing things and accepting circumstances as they are instead of assuming and banking on the other person fundamentally changing.
Emotional detachment involves creating both mental and (if you can) physical distance when you’ve decided that another’s behaviors, actions and choices are affecting you negatively.
What it Means to Detach From Someone:
To emotionally detach from someone involves becoming less attached to their behaviors, actions, choices and feelings in order to feel less affected by how they show up in the world. It’s a complete readjustment of the level of emotional investment you have with them and the relationship as a whole.
Emotional detachment involves taking an intentional step back from the relationship in order to shift and realign your emotional energy from them back to you.
Before deep diving more into emotional detachment, it may be helpful to have a basis of understanding around the concept of emotional attachment and how it differs from emotional detachment.
A Brief on Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
As humans we’re wired for attachment; to be apart of and accepted by the tribe is an innate desire for all of us. Healthy attachment to others is required and healthy for a fulfilled life. It’s the human experience to be in relationship with others.
The attachment style to aim for in order to have healthy relationships is secure attachment. This is where you feel safe, comfortable and feel your needs are being met within a relationship.
Insecure & Avoidant Attachment
The two other primary attachment styles to be aware of are anxious & avoidant attachment. Within anxious attachment we tend to dominantly experience feelings of insecurity, fear of abandonment or betrayal. Within avoidant attachment we often will feel overwhelmed by the other person's needs and wants, which creates a desire to flee and withdraw from the other person.
*There’s a range and mix of these attachment styles that one can be; it’s not a black & white situation. It’s very common to be some what of a mix in terms of our attachment style. The good news is that we can “do the work” to become more securely attached, as that’s always the healthy aim.
*Find more about attachment styles HERE.
10 Signs That Detachment is a Good Idea:
You're noticing a depletion of your mental and emotional energy when your in company with this person.
You feel emotionally reactive to their behavior, actions and expression of thoughts.
You have made attempts to communicate your concerns about the relationship, yet are met with empty promises of change or feel like you’re attempts to shift the relationship dynamic are being dismissed.
When relationships are manipulative, controlling and do not hold well intention for you.
It feels like there's no resolve within the relationship because of fixed mind frames or certain ways of thinking.
When the relationship generally feels more negative than positive.
When you’ve deemed that a connection is bringing out the worst in you and it feels like by staying in the relationship, you’re self worth is being compromised.
Your level of contentment decreases and your anxiety increases around them. Your energy, mind and physical body tend to feel sapped and anxious after spending time with them.
You feel like the character of the other person seems to fundamentally and morally clash with who you are as an individual and what you believe in.
You notice that you don’t like how you show, respond and act when you’re in company with this person. The relationship begins to chip away at how you view yourself.
Healthy Detachment vs. Unhealthy Detachment (Knowing the Difference)
When Emotional Detachment Gets Unhealthy
Emotional detachment entails being disconnected or disengaged from the feelings of other people. This way of being can become unhealthy when it becomes a universal way of how you cope with conflict in your relationships and interferes with your psychological, social, and emotional well-being.
Unhealthy Signs of Emotional Detachment
According to an article by VERYWELLMIND there are a number of signs and symptoms of how emotional detachment can become unhealthy.
These may include:
Ambivalence toward others
Avoiding people, situations, or activities
Difficulty empathizing with others
Difficulty opening up to other people
Feeling disconnected from other people
Losing interest in people and activities
Losing touch with people
Not paying attention to other people
Poor listening skills
Preferring to be alone
Problems forming and maintaining relationships
Problems expressing emotions
Struggling to feel positive emotions
avoiding emotional intimacy, isolating, or having a lack of empathy
withholding emotional expression or an inability or disinterest in gaining understanding of others emotions
avoiding conflict in relationships
withdrawing from people and the general world tin order to reduce anxiety
Healthy Emotional Detachment Involves:
defining clear and respectful boundaries to help you stay true to yourself
placing clear parameters around the relationship in order to protect your energy and allow for healthy space
detaching with love; giving yourself permission to love someone from afar
Detaching With Love
Accepting people as they are, while choosing what’s best for you based on how others are showing up
Acknowledging your own feelings without avoiding feeling them or dismissing them
Continual acknowledgment that your feelings are valid
Doing the self introspective work to expand and honor yourself and those you love
*note from MBG: “Removing someone from your life fully isn't always possible. Sometimes, there are certain relationships where they still have to be a part of your life—at least for the time being until you can change the situation."
If you’re in the mist of detaching from someone that used to play a significant role in your life; it’s so important for you to meet yourself with compassion. This can be a really difficult thing to do; to let go of someone that you love and care about; yet know in your heart is not healthy for you. It can be devastating.
Be gentle with yourself, focus on what your intuition is saying and take the process of emotionally detaching step by step. Remember that we let go as we start building new aspects of ourselves and our lives.
Related Recommended Articles & Reads
Identifying and Overcoming Emotional Detachment
Healthy Detachment: What It Looks & Feels Like
Book: Attached
*Blog Image by Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Coping with Romantic Rejection: Tips to Help You Move Forward
I can sit here and say all the cliche things that we’re often told when it comes to facing rejection.
“They don’t deserve you.”
“It’s not meant to be.”
“You can do better.”
These could all be very well true. They could provide you with positive perspective to move forward in a healthy way.
However, sometimes, we might need more than just a quick one liner to start the healing process. Moving forward can especially be difficult when the rejection feels deep rooted and is clouding your ability to see yourself clearly & in a healthy light.
When it comes to romantic love; this type of rejection tends to be the most intense because it can feel so personal and seep into the parts of us that are very raw and unexposed.
This is so because being involved with another on a romantic level is one of the most vulnerable of all relationships.
Since rejection can feel so personal, that’s actually where the danger lies. Making and taking rejection personally is where the divide between our sense of self worth and what is external opinion and noise can become blurred, chipping away at our sense of self.
I’m going to say it one more time so you can really hear it:
Making ANYTHING too personal is what will slowly corrode our sense of self. As our sense of self becomes compromised; our joy will begin to lessen and our lives will become less fulfilling.
gaining perspective
The truth is that nothing is 100% personal to you, even though it can feel so. Especially the rejection that results from a romantic relationship ending or never getting the momentum to begin.
We’re all so multi faceted, coming forth with our own history that has shaped the way we perceive the world. What’s “right” for one could be “wrong” for another and vice versa. This is why having discernment and perspective when it comes to somebody’s opinion or response to you (an opinion of someone that might not even know you well) is important to learn to do. It’s an invaluable skill.
to say it straight:
Don’t confuse your self worth with somebody’s preference.
What I’m about to say is not going to be popular, but it’s truthful.
The reality is that not everyone is going to prefer what we have to offer. Our value is not going to be something that everyone can see (for reasons beyond us.) This is not a fault of yours. It just is. Work on not mentally digging too deep into this, for it’s a dangerous rabbit hole to spin out in.
The trick is accepting this truth; the truth that we’re not going to be for everyone.
As we begin to digest and accept this truth; it will becomes a bit more bearable to sustain rejection when it, ultimately, makes it’s way into our life.
Acceptance is not easy; but it’s our way out of the mind maze of doubting and rejecting our own self.
Let me remind you that someone passing on you is not because there’s anything wrong with you. Not being a fit for another does not mean that you should change something about yourself to fit into their ideal. It just means that you’re a better fit for something or someone else.
Any such action to change yourself in order to win someone over would be a form of self abandonment.
The thing is, when we allow what’s not for us to go on it’s merry way, we then leave the space for the people and opportunities that are for us to appear. There’s an interesting way that the concept of flow can work in our lives when we’re able to allow, let go and move forward with less resistance.
As we view rejection as redirection it will prevent us from sitting too long in our self defeating feelings. Rejection hurts. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to take away from that truth. However the perspective and mindset that we lock into when something or someone walks away from us is what will dictate everything that follows.
Rejection brings an opportunity for potential change & growth
I will also say this; sometimes rejection presents us with an opportunity for self reflection and growth. It’s an opportunity for us to reflect on any way of being that’s not serving us and our life. Rejection can point us toward our unhealthy ways and behaviors that we might want to adjust for ourselves.
This adjustment is not because “it” (our character, our actions, our way) didn’t work for them; it’s because our actions, attitude or behavior doesn’t work for us.
Nobody that’s for you is going to have a fundamental problem with who you are as a person; which is your authentic character. They could have issues with your behavior or actions, which you can decide you want to change for yourself, but they won’t reject your authentic truth & character.
Be brave and strong enough in this life to stay true to what’s authentic to you. If you don’t take this stand for yourself, nobody will take it for you. It will be more difficult for you to find others who can see you clearly if you don’t own and stand up for who you are.
When it comes down to it, the intensity in which we we feel rejection usually aligns with the lack of acceptance that we have for ourselves. As we learn to hone more self acceptance, our ability to move on with more ease from rejection will gain momentum.
When rejection visits please remember that it’s a result of you stepping outside your comfort zone and putting yourself “out there.” Rejection usually happens the most to those of us who are living a life that’s pushing limits; a person whom is striving for living big. This is something to be proud of yourself for; It’s brave. It takes courage to live outside the bounds of your comfort zone. Acknowledge yourself for that.
How to Work Through the Discomfort that Rejection Brings
Feeling emotions that are uncomfortable is a hard thing to do; so much so that avoiding such feelings are the basis of many mental health issues. Find my youtube video on how to process and work through your hard emotions HERE.
Final Tips
don’t take rejection personally
keep the focus on protecting your sense of self and self respect (always)
keep your focus on yourself by refraining from making assumptions and stories up about the other (why they left, what they might think, etc)
process and feel your hurt feelings while keeping your aim on moving forward
choose to see life as a journey filled with experiences that help you learn and grow; some of which are challenging and bring up hard feelings.
realize that everyone, regardless of how they look, what they’ve achieved or how much they are desired, get & feel rejection as well. We will all face rejection at one time or another in life; or multiple times; it really depends on how courageous we are to put ourselves “out there.”
*Above image is by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Wishing for you to see yourself in a light that serves you and helps you to cope with the hard parts of life with more clarity. Thanks for being here with me.
-kim
Mental Health Benefits of Journaling (A Practice To Help You Live More Mindfully)
journaling (verb) ; putting pen to paper to unleash your inner voice; a potential tool for more mindfulness if you use it in such a way.
A journaling practice provide us with the opportunity to look inwardly, which can help us toward higher self expansion.
A consistent journaling practice can help us to achieve our goals beyond a conventional way because it offers us the space for deep inner reflection where our unique ideas can be awakened, expressed and acknowledged. Journaling can act as a tool to help improve our ability to be mindful and self aware, by providing the space to reflect on ideas, thoughts and feelings that can promote deeper self growth.
Gaining a deeper relationship to self can, ultimately, improve the general quality of our lives.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Journaling
Let’s start with talking about something that might seem counter intuitive for me to say:
Yes, like many things, journaling can be unproductive if you use it unwisely.
Just as I believe that too much talk therapy done in an unproductive & unhealthy way can be counterproductive to your mental health; using journaling to feed negative ways of thinking and further rumination and complaining about issues without positive resolution can be equally unhealthy.
Obviously, I’m not here to control how you self express; however, I do want you to be generally aware of how journaling through your difficult emotions can be more productive for you.
Keep in mind that there’s a difference between digging deeper into the blame or hatred about a circumstance, person or event vs. finding a way to vent in a healthy way where there’s self reflection, an opportunity for self responsibility and positive problem solving.
With that said; let’s move forward with how this mental health tool can be a huge gateway toward your personal growth.
Why Journal? The potential mental health benefits can include:
improve mood
reduce stress
guidance & clarity toward achieving goals
gain self awareness
increase self confidence
improved memory
improve ability to emotionally regulate
increase ability to emotionally express
increased intuition; being more “in tune with self”
improved relationship with a healthy sense of self control (internal locus of control)
“The Journal of Experimental Psychology published research that shows how writing your thoughts down can reduce intrusive thoughts about negative events and improve working memory. Even the simple act of writing something down lets your brain know you want to remember it.” -kaiserpermanente.org
Journaling: A strategy for mindfulness
A journaling practice can help to:
promote healthy self reflection
help to bring the unconscious; conscious
better self understanding and understanding of your experiences
can help identify areas of struggle
tool to brainstorm for positive solutions and ideas for healthy change
can help you gain healthy perspective around fear, anxiety and worry
a general tool to help you discover positive perspective
promote inspiration / thinking outside the box
What are the benefits of journaling?
Journaling can provide “a place to put it.” Meaning a place to put down unsettled thoughts, which can lead to more clarity of mind and an enhanced peaceful demeanor.
There's so much that a consistent journaling practice offers you.
A consistent journaling practice is a way to process and work through the emotions that are occurring on a daily basis. It's one of those practices that you may not even realize how much is helping you to stay grounded and clear. (until it’s gone) Allowing thoughts to flow onto a page via writing is a targeted way to allow for self expression and a release of emotions. This can help you clear out any thoughts and feelings that may be blocking you from taking healthy action. Not to mention that journaling can also help you with processing and understanding difficult emotions.
How often should I journal?
A daily practice is recommended. However, like any practice, I want you to think about personalizing your writing time so it fits into your lifestyle and you set up a structure that you’re more likely to stick too. Usually, I recommend a morning practice as you’re just emerging from an unconscious state and have a day ahead to ground within any self reflection and commit to any intention you may set for that day.
What kind of journal should I get?
There are journals out there these days for whatever you need or want to work on. Don’t hold yourself back if you’re not finding the specific topic or area of growth that you’re looking to increase your self awareness around. If you don’t see it; create it; or change the wording within any journal you have or might find to be more self specific to your needs and wants.
*some references are listed at the bottom of this post.
Examples of the different styles of mindfulness journals out there: (there’s so many!)
reflection journal
action journal (journal to create positive change)
dream journal
gratitude journal
goal journal
journal to increase self love / self confidence
anti-anxiety journal
For your health
food journal
fitness journal
For your creative expression
drawing or sketch journal
poetry journal
stream of consciousness journal (more on this below)
Examples of journaling prompts:
I AM STATEMENTS (to promote self confidence & self love)
I AM proud of myself for:
I AM grateful for these three moments I created yesterday:
I AM capable because:
I AM deserving of success & happiness because:
Self Reflective Questions (to promote deeper inner wisdom & self awareness)
What’s one behavior that I want to be intentional about today? (not complaining, being less judgmental)
What’s one action that I can take today to promote healthy change in my life?
What have I been avoiding? What is one small action I can take toward healthy resolution of that area of my life?
Like any form of medium, I would recommend seeking a journal format that speaks to you. For example, are you better with less structure and like to free flow write or do you want a step by step question and answer format?
If you want more structure I would point you toward a goal setting journal with more prompts or any journal that offers you the structure and lay out that aligns with your style.
Stream of consciousness journaling
In the workbook The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (highly recommend) a stream of consciousness writing practice referred to as “morning pages” is recommended to get you more in tune with yourself. Morning pages are where you fill up 3 blank pages with stream of consciousness writing.
What is stream of consciousness writing?
Stream of consciousness writing is a creative writing technique that allows for fragmented sentence structure and unfiltered thoughts and feelings with little regard for correct grammar. The point of this type of writing is to unleash the way our non-linear brains process information. In a nutshell, it's writing down thoughts as they come to you without any conscious editing or way of organization. It’s allowing your self expression to flow out of you; literally.
The thought behind this kind of writing is to allow your unconscious mind to stream onto the paper. People tend to struggle with this, similar to meditation, until the lack of structure actually begins to open and allow deeper unconscious thoughts to emerge. Obviously, this practice takes time and the more you sit, practice and work through the resistance of "not knowing what to write" you will tap into the benefit of the practice.
A final tip and some motivation for you to start journaling for mindfulness:
Committing to a journaling/mindfulness practice will be your first step toward starting. As Nike says, “Just do it.” Like developing any other healthy self habit, it might take a little bit to find the structure, time and way that this tool can work to help enhance your self growth and ability to be more mindful. Be patient. Take your time to find the "right" practice and time frame to commitment to so you can set yourself up for success.
Some Recommended Resources for Journals
*Above images taken by San Diego based Photographer Renata Amazonas.
“You’re So Defensive” (Unpacking Defense Mechanisms)
In the mist of conflict with a really important person in my life; I made a clear decision to listen rather than defend my argument. I let go of trying to convince the other party as to why they should see the situation from my perspective and I accepted the fact that they might never see it the way I see it. I listened with curiosity rather than waiting to rebuttal and defend my stance and allowed them the space to have their own opinion about our conflict. As I consciously did this; the walls came down between us and we were able to mend the tension that had been lingering between us for months.
To say it simply; the conflict was resolved.
Defense mechanisms are often unconscious strategies that we use to cope with hard feelings in order to protect ourselves from psychological harm. When we feel threatened our “wall” goes up and our defenses come out.
Our defense mechanisms are put in place to protect us from thoughts, feelings or memories that bring up painful and uncomfortable emotions. Defense mechanisms can lead us to bypass our emotions so we can avoid feeling overwhelmed. They are known to be our “psychological shields” protecting us from difficult emotions such as anxiety or shame.
Whenever we lack the skills to deal with life events or relationship conflict in healthy ways our lives will be met with more strain and struggle than need be. This is why it’s so valuable to know the ways that you show up when you’re on the defense.
If severe enough, the ways that our defensive behaviors come out can make or break our relationships and reduce the fulfillment of our lives.
This post offers you the chance to check in with how you uniquely cope and show up when situations arise that trigger defensive behavior. It can improve the quality of your life to have the awareness and skillset to remain calm and collected when you’re met with defense, conflict or any other difficult situation in your life.
Here are some ways that we defend & self protect
we anticipate
we make excuses
we project
we control
we avoid
we play victim
we believe we are “right”
we blame
we “dumb down” or invalidate our feelings and the feelings of others
These impulsive or disruptive ways of dealing with difficult situations are usually automatic and often unconscious. They're impulsive ways that we’ve (over time) taught ourselves how to deal with situations that threaten us in some way shape or form.
Before we break down these defense mechanisms, I want to take a moment to talk about a cliche topic that us therapists are known to bring up…….childhood. (i know; hang in with me here.)
The truth is that whoever acted as our primary caregivers growing up had a huge impact and influence on our development. Our caregivers were our first up close and personal examples of how to cope with our feelings, difficult situations, conflict and just about everything that goes into being a healthy and well functioning adult.
Some of us had parents that were emotionally intelligent and taught us really good tools to help us cope with disappointments, hard emotions and relationship conflict; while some of us did not.
Not handling our reactions well, could be the result of never learning how. This is not to place blame on anybody; this is to point out that sometimes we don’t pick up the healthy skills that we need to navigate life’s conflicts with more maturity.
(*Feel free to read my post on emotionally immature parents HERE.)
Freuds 7 Main Defense Mechanisms
Not that this gentleman needs an introduction for many of us, however, if you’re new to the name, Sigmund Freud was an Austrian neurologist and the founder of psychoanalysis. He believed that there are 7 main defense mechanisms that are expressed when threat is determined; denial, repression, projection, displacement, rationalization, reaction formation, and sublimation.
Lets go over what each of these look like, so you can identify what you’re specific defense mechanism(s) are:
1. Denial: Refusing to accept that something exists or happened. Denial involves ignoring “what is” in order to avoid difficult emotions. Read more about denial HERE.
key signs of denial:
refusal to talk about the problem.
justification of your behavior.
blaming external events or other people for causing the problem.
Continued involvement in a behavior despite negative consequences.
Talk of addressing the problem in the future.
Avoidance of thinking about the problem.
2. Repression: Keeping a thought, feeling, or memory of an experience out of consciousness. Read more about repression HERE.
Physical signs of repressed emotions include:
High blood pressure
Skin conditions
Fatigue
Obesity
Headache
Dizziness
Back, neck, chest and abdominal pain
*Repression is often confused with suppression, another defense mechanism. Where repression involves unconsciously blocking unwanted thoughts or impulses, suppression is entirely voluntary. Suppression is deliberately trying to forget or not think about painful or unwanted thoughts. EX: “I don’t want to think about that; let’s not talk about it.”
3. Projection: Attributing a threatening urge, impulse, or aspect of oneself to someone else. An example of projection would be instead of acknowledging that you’ve been disloyal, you may accuse your partner of disloyalty. Read more about projection HERE.
4. Displacement: Directing emotions from a threatening source to a safer target. Displacement helps us channel emotions and urges that could be considered inappropriate or harmful to more healthy, safe, or productive outlets. Read more about displacement HERE.
5. Rationalization: Creating an acceptable, yet false explanation of a situation, behaviors, thoughts or feelings by using logic. Read more about rationalization HERE.
Examples of rationalization:
Minimizing the situation (“It’s not that bad.”)
Making excuses
Blaming others
Making Comparisons (“What I did isn’t as bad as what (fill in a name) did last week.”)
“Explaining Away” the problem (“Sorry I didn’t show up, i had so much work to do.”)
6. Reaction formation: Doing the opposite of what you would really like to do. Acting in the opposite way of your true feelings. Read more about rationalization HERE.
*A classic example of reaction formation: A boy who puts down a girl on the playground because, on a subconscious level, he's attracted to her.
7. Sublimation: Known as one of the more “mature” of the defense mechanisms. Sublimation involves channeling unacceptable impulses into socially acceptable behaviors. This defense mechanism helps us to shift our unwanted impulses into less harmful and often even helpful actions and behaviors. Read more about sublimation HERE.
Awareness is key here. If you were able to identify your “emotional weapon” or defense mechanism throughout this post, you now have valuable information that can really help you to grow and expand in this area.
“Know thy enemy and know thy self” - Sun Tzu
Knowing the way in which you can show up defensively and working toward gaining healthier and more productive ways of coping with your ability to perceive a threat will help you greatly within your relationships and life. This is invaluable.
Thank you for reading and being here with me.
*Above image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Got Grit? (Tips to Develop and Expand Your Mental Strength)
Mental strength:
What is it?
Do you have it?
How do you get it?
Here’s why you need it……
This article will highlight why developing your mental strength will impact your life positively and greatly.
Ready for it? Let’s get into this topic.
Recently I’ve met two specific women with some major mental strength, grit & deep confidence in their capabilities.
Needless to say; It inspired me.
Neither of them had to convince me of their capability; their way of life & being simply embodies strength & grit.
Confidence is apparent beneath their words, within their choices and from the way they live their lives (on their own terms, following their passions.)
The most impressive aspect of these women is that their strength and confidence is obvious; yet quiet. Quiet; meaning; It’s not forced. It’s not coming from a “look at me” place.
Rather, it’s graceful. It just is.
First off, when you don’t believe that you can handle a situation; you’re right.
Developing mental strength allows you to witness that you can do really hard things, (yes you can) which provides you with proof of what you’re made of. This helps you to feel capable and confident in your abilities. This helps you to take healthy risk, put yourself “out there” more in life and, ultimately, can lead you toward living a life beyond a comfort zone.
This is invaluable, for whatever you believe to be true; will be true. True about yourself. True about the world and true about your life and your capabilities.
In short your mental strength is your grit, your capacity to endure and push through the discomfort, the unknown and obstacles, that life throws at you.
Building your mental strength will require you to look at your relationship with fear. Let’s get something right; nobody is without fear.
The fearless ones of us out there have learned how to be with fear by feeling it and proceeding forward regardless of it’s presence.
The trick with facing fear is gaining a healthier relationship with fear. Gaining a positive relationship with fear involves practicing being in the same room as fear without allowing it to take over all of your actions and choices. It’s learning how to stay calm and clear when fear is present in order to navigate the emotion with a centered & balanced mind instead of a panicked one. It’s learning how to respond healthfully to fear rather than react to it.
The good news is that mental strength can be developed. (and sometimes needs to be if your life circumstances didn’t naturally push you to build and condition it.)
Let’s get into how you can strengthen your grit (your mental strength muscle) in order for you to get on with reaching the goals that you have in store for your life.
what is mental strength exactly?
Mental strength is our ability to manage the stress, unpredictability, pressure, chaos, unexpected and difficult situations that come in life. Mental strength encompasses our ability to embrace and navigate change and life transitions in a positive way.
What do i need to do to show myself proof of my mental strength?
The truth is that you first may have to workout and build your mental strength muscle, depending on where you’re at. This article will help you with that.
Remember that, ultimately, the only person you have to prove your grit to is yourself. You have to believe in you first. Believing in yourself will help you hone your ability to endure. Knowing you have mental strength allows you to endure even if and when someone doubts your mental and emotional capacity.
Most importantly, your level of mental strength is what’s going to help you get through things you didn’t even realize that you were capable of.
Having true grit involves healthy inner knowing of what you can handle and leading with that. True grit allows us to get through things that feel unmanageable and too big without crumbling to pieces.
*This doesn’t mean that we can bypass healthy processing and acceptance of difficult things; everyone has to feel their feelings in order to remain emotionally & physically healthy and well.
why increase your mental strength? (here’s some stats)
In a TED talk on the topic of mental toughness with Penny Mallory it was reported that:
"30 percent of what you achieve comes down to your skill, talent and intelligence. While the other 70 percent of what you achieve comes down to your ability to be mentally tough. This entails your confidence, your drive, your grit, commitment, aim, ability to focus, resilience and determination.”
With all that said; just as a diet is not a lifestyle; your relationship with your mental strength is a life long journey, not a diet (a short term thing.)
A rushed pace to the finish line rarely will help you cultivate good things when it comes to your health, your happiness and your well being.
Cultivating and maintaining your mental strength is a long term solution that will help you stay more inwardly steady through the dips of life. Your mental strength needs to be cultivated and maintained.
4 Tips to Build, Hone and Maintain your Sense of Mental Strength (4 tips toward becoming more mentally strong)
TIP #1: Regain a sense of personal control
What this means: Having a stable sense of feeling in control of your feelings and reactions is what personal control is all about.
action: Getting clear on what you can control while practicing acceptance for what you can’t do much about, can help you to cultivate a better sense of personal control. Taking healthy action toward feeling that you’re doing everything you can to participate and make shifts where needed will allow you to be able to stomach the things that you don’t have control over with more calm & clarity.
Tools to get you to a more neutral feeling state:
emotional regulation: Emotional regulation is your ability to healthfully control and process your emotions. Being able to emotionally regulate helps you to respond to people and circumstances that are challenging with a proactive and balanced approach. Your ability to emotionally regulate helps you to stay cool & calm amongst the chaos of life so you don’t overcomplicate and destruct when times are tough.
observe your relationship with control: a healthy relationship with control allows you to know what to put effort toward and, conversely, to know when you’ve done everything there is “to do” regarding a situation. Ultimately, we’re talking about the art of knowing when to let go.
It can be beneficial for you to take some reflective time to self evaluate what your current relationship is with control.
Food for thought: High control usually results in high anxiety.
TIP #2: Find a way to challenge yourself
what this does for you: Getting better at something that you enjoy doing and that’s a positive outlet for you does wonders and can build your mental capacity. Finding a past time, hobby or interest to challenge yourself with helps you to prove your capability to yourself.
action- brainstorm all the challenges (big or small) that are of interest to you. Pick just one to commit to and see through. If you’re lacking any ideas, focusing on challenging yourself with actions that enhance your well being is a great place to start. Examples of this can be committing to going to sleep earlier, getting more exercise, drinking more water, working out more, starting a new sport to expand & grow within, limiting drinking, etc. (everyone is different here; the point is for you to challenge yourself based on where you’re starting at.)
Challenging the MIND / BODY
How movement & physical challenge work to increase mental strength and why it’s important:
Pursuing movement and physical challenge teaches us how to endure discomfort.
Acquiring mental strength through movement and physical challenge is a major avenue toward building grit and seeing what you’re made of.
why?
Because……learning how to challenge ourselves and push through our physical discomfort helps us build our capacity to be mentally tough.
Facing challenging physical situations and pushing through helps us to connect with our mind & body. This is valuable for mental strength because our physical grit can benefit and impact our emotional grit. The inner strength that we have to address, cope with & work toward healing our difficult emotions comes from the same grit that it takes to endure physical discomfort. To say it simply; If you build one aspect of yourself (body); you can simultaneously build the other (mind).
how the mind / body connection comes into play….
The mind / body connection plays into our ability to be mentally strong. The mind-body connection is the idea that thoughts, emotions, and beliefs can have a significant impact on our physical health. A healthy body allows for a strong mind.
Our emotions not only live in our mind via our thoughts; they also can live in the body and impact how our body functions.
I mention the mind/ body connection because by recognizing and nurturing it we can access our innate healing abilities and improve our overall health and well-being.
TIP #3: Focus on commitment and consistency
What this does for you: Focusing on commitment and consistency by following through with what you say, allows you to regain your sense of self trust. When you don’t trust your own word, overtime, your level of self trust becomes compromised; this is a gateway toward huge problems.
action: Whatever action you came up with for Tip #2 can be the aim and external focus for you to practice commitment and consistency. Again, start small if you need to in order to work on regaining or rebuilding your level of self trust. The point here is to start making strides toward improving your level of self trust and self commitment through consistent words and actions.
TIP #4- find ways to build & sustain your confidence
What it does for you: engaging your time and energy in things that challenge you, while accepting the challenge and working through the difficulties, helps you to build self confidence. Learning new things challenges us in so many ways, which can really help with cultivating mental strength. Learning new things requires us to be uncomfortable, which is the gateway to a stronger amount of mental grit.
action: Ask what actions, pastimes, people or general ways of spending your time & energy make you feel good or interest you? Tap into and find awareness around what these specific things are and take note. These are the things that are going to help you build your self confidence (and along the way your mental strength.)
*Note: Yes, confidence comes from within, however, engaging in life and pursuing things that help demonstrate your capability, capacity, strengths and talents is necessary to have a healthy self concept. This is especially true if you’ve convinced ourself that you don’t have anything to offer. Everyone has something special to offer; that’s just the truth. Whether you’ve allowed yourself to tap into that special essence of yours or not is another conversation.
For this tip, consider long term practices that you can invest in that will provide structure for the way you spend your energy and challenge you. Structure will give you the necessary framework to build your confidence over time.
You know that saying “if you don’t use it; you loose it?’ Well, it’s true; Meaning when you let aspects of your life or yourself go; they weaken, they dissipate.
When we begin to loose our capacity to believe in ourselves, this creates a pathway to much suffering. Without self belief, we turn our heads away from the kinds of opportunities, relationships & challenges that support our mental strength.
Final Points to Help You Harness Optimum Mental Strength
1. Choose Your Hard
It’s common that life can bring us to many “forks in the road” where we’re required to make hard decisions.
example: to stay in an unfulfilling relationship or to take the steps to leave?
example: to leave the job you hate and face the unknown or to stay and be miserable?
Both choices are hard; both choices require tolerance of discomfort in their own ways. Both choices present there own challenges. The power that we hold is our ability to choose. Choice can be hard; yet choice is our gateway to freedom.
No choice, is a choice. It’s a choice to give your power away to something else or somebody else to decide for you. This is a passive way to live.
The power of choice can help us stay away and release ourselves from any victimhood mindset.
2. The Power of I AM
You are what you declare yourself to be.
Whatever you believe to be true about who you are will match up in due time. You will become who you speak yourself into being; for better or for worse.
Your self narrative is powerful. Unless the story of who you are gets interrupted and rewritten; it will pan out exactly how you’re scripting it.
This is why I bring to your attention the power of I AM statements. In this moment, I’m asking you to reflect on what you declare to yourself and to others about who you are. Become more intentional and mindful of this and you can create a lot of change.
What do you declare on the daily about yourself to be true?
Who are you painting yourself to be to yourself and others?
Thanks for being here with me. I encourage and support your journey toward mental strength and healthy grit. I wish you to feel strong, capable and confident in who you are. I hope this post helps you cultivate ideas on how to maintain and build your true grit.
*Freedive images by my dear friend, talented free diver & photographer Allie Reilly of SAMUDRA FLOW.
Shame (Signs Your Holding Shame & Ways to Heal)
Shame can be held in our bodies and leads us to think things, do things, say things and react in certain ways that can cause a lot of destruction in our lives. For this reason, I really wanted to unpack the emotion of shame in order for you to be able to identify any shame that you might be holding that could be causing potential damage to your life.
In this post I will clearly define what shame is, what it looks like, how it shows up and ways to heal.
Let’s begin; shall we?
what is shame: shame is a feeling of inadequacy created by internalized negative self-beliefs.
Shame is a negative emotion that can significantly affect both our mental & physical health, our relationships and the general way we feel about ourself. Shame can be experienced through feelings of embarrassment, a sense of inadequacy, negative self-evaluation or humiliation.
Shame often presents when we feel we’ve done something “wrong.”
We can feel shame even when, factually, we’ve done nothing to feel shameful about.
Shame can be triggered by personal insecurities, mistakes, secrets or perceived flaws. When we experience shame we can feel a sense of utter worthlessness.
Shame can lead us toward unhealthy coping behaviors such as telling lies and becoming secretive due to the uncomfortable feelings that arise when shame presents.
Shame, very often, can be unconscious. Meaning we could be walking around with shame affecting the choices that we make about our lives and how we interact in our relationships without knowing it. Taking the time to deep dive into the self reflective work that can help the unconscious become conscious is the work that can bring awareness to shameful feelings that you might be holding within.
what holding on to shame looks like:
Low self-esteem: Shame can cause you to feel like you're not good enough and can cause a lack of self trust to develop.
Developing perfectionism: shame can lead you toward having unrealistic expectations of self or even to perfectionism. Perfectionism becomes our false attempt to cover up our feelings of unworthiness and “not good enough,” which often present with shame.
Depression and anxiety: The heavy emotions of shame can lead to depression and anxiety.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms: Shame can lead to substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm. These ways of coping are all attempts to numb out the negative & uncomfortable emotions that shame triggers.
Social anxiety: Shame can make you feel hyper-sensitive and socially anxious.
Feeling Isolated: Shame can cause you to isolate from others and make you want to self escape.
Relationship problems: Shame can lead to judgmental reactions, angry feelings and passive aggressive behaviors in relationships, which will impact them negatively and cause strain over time.
Anger / Defensive reactions: Shame can cause you to react defensively when criticized, often as a way to mask your shame.
Physical responses: Shame can cause physical responses like flushing (red face) can occur as a physical response to strong emotions like embarrassment, anger, or anxiety.) Shame also shows up in the body by affecting posture and eye contact; indirect eye contact and a slumped body position (lowered head.)
Feeling overwhelmed: Shame can make you feel overwhelmed and hopeless.
Inability to change: Shame can make you lack the motivation for positive change.
some signs that you might be holding shame include:
Feeling inadequate: You might feel like you're not good enough, or that you have little impact.
Feeling self-conscious: You might be embarrassed, self-critical, or worry about what others think of you.
Want to isolate: You might feel like an outsider, or that you're different or left out.
Avoiding social contact: You might want to withdraw, hide, or have the “desire to disappear.”
Physical signs: You might slump your shoulders, lower your head, or avoid eye contact.
Hesitant speech: You might speak in a hesitant pattern.
Feeling hate or disgust: You might feel hate or disgust towards yourself.
Feeling often sensitive, unappreciated, rejected, or inadequate.
Always believing what others say: When you lack self trust, you tend to believe others over you. This further creates self doubt, insecurity and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
on healing shame
Please know that healing shame is VERY possible and will result with you having a healthier relationship with yourself. Ultimately, heightening your sense of self awareness is what’s going to be the catalyst to unlock all the other important aspects of healing.
Here are 3 main ways to overcome shame & heal your relationship with self:
1. Building Self Compassion / Self Love / Self Acceptance
As you practice how to be more patient with yourself, overtime you will become less self critical, which will help you reduce unrealistic expectations. Practicing mindfulness can help you increase your general level of self compassion. Practicing self-compassion generally helps you remember that you did your best with the skills and circumstances you had at the time.
2. Building Confidence / Self Esteem
Building your sense of self requires you to challenge the negative thoughts that shame has planted. Challenging negative thoughts by redirecting your mind toward “better feeling” thoughts will, over time help you shift the way you think about yourself.
Building confidence and self esteem also requires action. When you engage in things that bring you purpose and start accomplishing “little wins,” you begin to rebuild your sense of self. Spending your time doing things that help you grow, expand and learn will help remind you that you’re capable, valuable & worthy. This begins to repair your sense of self trust and sense of self.
3. Learning to Allow Support From Others
Shame can make us want to isolate and suffer alone. As we’ve all heard: “It takes a village.” Meaning none of us can do this life on our own. Especially when we’re talking about healing from a dark, shame based space. We need the positive support, love and connection from others to be healthy individuals.
Sometimes there’s a specific situation(s) that we’re holding shame about. In that case it’s important to address these points in order to begin the healing process.
5 ways to heal shame created from a specific situation(s):
Facing the situation directly: Identifying the source of your shame is necessary for healing. Reflecting on the experiences or beliefs that may be triggering your shame and processing through those feelings is what begins the healing journey. (This might require professional help based on the level of shame that you hold. If that’s the case here’s a post on how to find the “right” mental health therapist for you.)
*Some types of therapy that may help you work through feelings of shame include cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
Taking ownership of your part in the situation : a sense of self responsibility is required for you to be able to own and heal from the experiences that have occurred in your life.
Deconstructing the shame: By identifying the origins of your shame, you can separate from it and reexamine it.
Practicing Acceptance: You can’t heal what you don’t see or what you don’t choose to accept. Practicing acceptance is what will help you to let go of the past and move forward.
Forgiving yourself: Forgiving yourself and asking for forgiveness from others can help heal feelings of shame.
I hope this was helpful for you and, most importantly, I hope for you to see yourself for who you truly are, free from the tainted lens of shame.
much love,
Kim
*Above image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Healing Through Whole Body Wellness (Mental Health & The Mind/Body Connection)
In order to decipher what the root issue may be when it comes to your mental health, I believe that establishing & maintaining a wellness lifestyle is a huge key step toward whole body wellness. In this article I’m going to focus on the facts of how interconnected our bodies and minds are and how that affects our mental health.
What is whole body wellness?
Healing through whole body wellness involves root issue, whole healing; it’s looking at all aspects of you as a person.
It’s not a quick fix. It’s not a two week diet; it’s about creating a positive, wellness lifestyle that sets the platform for a solid foundation for you to have positive ability to work through all the events, circumstances & issues that life presents. It’s designing and teaching a lifestyle to continually condition your body & mind for strength and wellness.
As I see it, we are innately designed to be aligned, in balance with and connected with our mind/ body / soul.
What happens all too often is we get pulled and disconnected from our mind / body by distraction, unhealthy influence, gimmicks and gadgets that promise us a quick fix and soon enough we’re completely detached and unaware of what our bodies need & want.
Whole body wellness in terms of mental health, is using the body and it’s messages (symptoms) to help you identify and address your mental health issues.
What does living a whole body wellness lifestyle mean?
I believe that being a cohesively whole & healthy person involves tending to all aspects of our health: our minds, our bodies, our spirit. A lifestyle of wellness considers all of these aspects. Therefore, how you live your life and the choices that you make for yourself, both big and small, align with the desire to live a well & balanced life.
HOW OUR BODIES SPEAK TO US
Our physical bodies are always trying to get our attention by sending us messages via our physical symptoms. This can be as basic as the feeling of physical thirst; the feeling of being thirsty is your body signaling to you that it needs water. As basic as this sounds, I can’t tell you how many smart, successful and well intended people I’ve witnessed end up in the emergency room because they were dehydrated.
Point being: It’s amazing how disconnected we can become from the messages that our bodies are telling us.
Here are some examples of what particular mental states will do to our physical body:
when we’re anxious we can will physically feel: a fast heartbeat, rapid breathing, upset stomach, digestive issues, sweating.
when we’re overworked we can physically experience symptoms such as: exhaustion, insomnia, muscle soreness, headaches, fatigue.
when we’re stressed we can physically experience skin issues like hives or itching, hair loss (long term), sore eyes, trouble sleeping, weakened immune system, digestive issues, chest pain, etc.
This shows how our bodies act as our personal alarm systems; our job is to decode what our symptoms are communicating to us.
A great question to ask when you experience a physical symptom is:
What is my body trying to tell me?
As we learn to take care of our physical bodies well, while also learning how to decode it’s messages; we will reconnect our body / mind.
THE MIND BODY DISCONNECT
It happens all too often when a client reaches out and explains that they are depressed. They usually tell me how they’re experiencing symptoms such as: restless sleep, headaches, fatigue, low mood and lack of motivation.
On the surface, this sounds like depression, right?
Well………
As I dig a bit further with questions around their physical health, I often discover that they:
“usually” fall asleep around 12-3am
eat poorly
never exercise
often forget to drink enough water
drink alcohol several days a week
are hooked to some bad habits such as overconsumption of screen time and social media
This information suddenly shifts my focus toward my clients basic self care habits. My job becomes about helping my client to physically regulate by supporting them in creating a wellness routine in order to weed out what could be going on with them mental health wise.
A lot of depressive symptoms mimic the symptoms that physically appear when we live a lifestyle of non movement & poor eating, self care & sleeping habits.
Without a healthy physical foundation to help ground and provide the kind of positive structure we all need to show up balanced and well; any sort of attempt to address any mental health issues becomes more difficult.
I’ve found that some symptoms that seem like there strictly mental health symptoms can be addressed and cleared at times with an intentional shift to create a wellness lifestyle.
(What I’m saying is that your chances of improving your mental health is aligned with how you look after your physical health; that is the notion behind whole health healing.)
Here are some physical symptoms that can be caused by a poor diet and lack of exercise:
Moodiness
A lack of protein can lead to low levels of dopamine and serotonin, which can cause symptoms of depression or aggression.Sleep disturbances
Caloric restriction or poor diet can disrupt sleep, causing difficulty falling asleep, and sleep interruptions.Weakened immune system
Not getting enough nutrients can make it harder for your immune system to fight infections, which can lead to frequent illness or illnesses that linger.Stiff joints
Under use of your joints can cause them to stiffen.Breathlessness
Without regular exercise the muscles that help your lungs move in and out become weak, leading to breathlessness.Low energy
Exercise helps deliver oxygen and nutrients to your tissues, not exercising your body results in low energy levels.High blood pressure
Not exercising and eating unwell can increase your risk of heart disease.Constipation
Poor diet and lack of exercise are common causes of constipation.Oral health issues
An over abundance of sugar in your diet can cause cavities, and not getting enough vitamin C can cause swollen or bleeding gums.Reproductive difficulties
When your body is not getting adequate nutrition, it prioritizes processes such as breathing and blood circulation over sex hormone production. This can reduce your sex drive and interrupt reproductive processes.
Here are some physical symptoms that can be caused by symptoms of depression:
Low Mood
Feeling chronically sad, anxious, numbed out or empty. You may also feel hopeless, pessimistic, or irritable.Loss of Interest
You may lose interest in activities that you used to enjoy. Experiencing a general loss of pleasure is common with depression.Sleep
You may have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, wake up too early, or sleep too much.Low Energy
You may feel tired or have a lack of energy, even after getting a good amount of sleep.Poor Concentration
You may have trouble concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions.Appetite
You may eat more or less than usual, or have no appetite.Pain
You may experience aches, pains, headaches, or stomach problems that don't improve with treatment.Thoughts
You may feel guilty, worthless, or helpless. You may also have thoughts of self harm or suicide.
How It’s All Connected : The Body / Mind Connect
As you can see many of the symptoms that are due to a poor wellness lifestyle mimic the symptoms of depression. There’s also the overlap of when you’re feeling depressed you don’t have the desire to do healthy, positive things for yourself.
So, is it the chicken or the egg? Did your poor physical health lead to your depression? Or did the depression lead to your poor physical health and unhealthy lifestyle? Sooner or later one is going to align with the other and cause negative consequences.
In order to understand what’s going on for you physically and mentally; establishing, maintaining and living a healthy wellness lifestyle is what’s going to help you uncover the potential mental health conditions that could be buried under the physical health symptoms.
Starting with what you can control such as what you eat, how much you sleep, how much you exercise, how much water or alcohol you drink; these are “the basics” that often go under acknowledged when it comes to looking at mental health.
Once your basics are more regulated you might find some relief of symptoms. This in itself can provide you with the needed motivation and energy to tend to your mental health issues.
Also, let’s say that after you’ve created and maintained a positive wellness routine for some time; you’re still having mental health and physical issues. If this is the case, continuing to weed out other possible physical causes of any symptoms is another suggested place to look for some answers.
*Making an appointment with your medical doctor to discover and address any physical aliments is a good way to continue to explore what can be lying underneath your mental health issues.
As your physical health becomes stabilized, that sets a great foundation to clearly be able to see what’s going on with your mental health. Looking into your mental health history entails identifying any past pains, hurts or events where there may be stagnant and unprocessed feelings, emotions, trauma, resistance or pain.
Ultimately, once something within us or something that happened to us is acknowledged, we can then work toward healing, acceptance and letting go.
MIND / BODY / SOUL HEALING
MIND
what therapy can do: (mind healing)
Therapy can teach healthy coping strategies, conflict resolution & communication skills. Generally speaking therapy can help a client identify, process & heal any underlying issues that may be contributing to symptoms of decreased mental health. Obviously there’s a lot more to it; but having a space that validates, hears you, supports and is a safe space for you to unpack difficult emotions and events can be extremely healing with the right person.
Therapy and the mind / body connection:
Somatic therapy involves looking to the body to help identify trapped or repressed emotions and through body work, breath work, attention to sensations and visualizations, these practices helps to “push them through.” Somatic therapy works to dissolve unprocessed emotions by identifying, acknowledging, addressing and helping the client find acceptance for any unhealed emotions. Somatic Experiencing is a type of therapy that is used to help treat trauma via exploring the mind / body connection.
BODY
what movement can do: (body healing)
Energy: exercise helps deliver oxygen and nutrients to our tissues, leading to an increase in overall energy.
Healthy Coping: movement helps us cope with difficult emotions by helping us work through them physically via breath and movement.
Increase Mood: Exercise releases endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine, which are chemicals in the brain that can boost happiness and well-being. 10 minutes of moderate exercise has been identified to have positive effects on the body / mind.
Decrease Stress: Exercise can help reduce stress and mental fatigue. It can also improve the functioning of the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which has been identified to lower cortisol secretion.
Improve Sleep: Improved sleep leads to a more vibrant, alert and steady mood.
Helps Cultivate a Sense of purpose:
Finding an activity, committing to it, gaining a community through it, while creating goals around it can all lead to creating purpose for your life.
Increases Self-esteem: Exercise brings structure, healthy routine and a sense of accomplishment to your life; all of which works to increase your self esteem.
Increases Brain function: Exercise can improve brain function, attention, focus, memory, cognition, language fluency, and decision-making.
Increase Ability to Emotionally Regulate
(when we’re not emotionally regulated; we’re dysregulated, which leads to all sorts of mental health issues. Feel free to read more about emotional regulation and tools and coping strategies here.
SOUL
what mindfulness can do: (spirit/ soul healing)
Mindfulness is “a type of meditation that involves focusing on being aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without judgment or interpretation.” - google
Mindfulness is a skill that teaches you to be more present so you can learn how to “live in the moment” instead of living in the past (where depression lives) or in the future (where anxiety lives.)
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy / DBT therapy is a type of therapy that focuses on teaching distress tolerance skills, while helping the client to understand & accept emotions. Learning how to be mindful is another key part in DBT.
Whole body wellness is a concept as a former athlete and therapist that I believe in so fiercely. It’s what I base my practice around and what I live by myself. Treating the whole person by looking at all aspects of how they are functioning is how we can address and identify the whole cohesive picture of what could be happening for someone.
In my opinion; this is how true healing occurs as it’s all connected.
Resources:
BOOKS THAT SUPPORT WHOLE BODY WELLNESS HEALING
When the Body Says NO / Gabor Mate, M.D.
The Body Keeps the Score / Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
The Energy Codes / Dr. Sue Morter
A FEW BODY WELLNESS PRODUCTS I LOVE
for hair: melu shampoo & melu conditioner
for skin: herbivore antioxidant facial oil / osea resurfacing scrub
*Images by photographer Renata Amazonas.
When You Can't Move On (How to Begin to Move Forward & Heal)
Letting go of a certain someone, a dream unborn or the path we didn’t choose is a necessary step in order for us to fully move on to the next chapter.
Clearing any sort of unresolved emotions of the past, such as regret, and finding more resolve around what was or what could have been will help us be able to put our focus and energy toward what could be.
Finding peace around “what is” based on what happened in our past or what never had a chance to work out is what some of us have to figure out how to do in order to move forward. Quieting any regret and coming to a more neutral and accepting place around our past is what will help us to let go.
for some of us; this can feel like an impossible thing to do.
a reminder:
Letting go doesn’t mean that we need to like what happened; however, it does mean that we need to find a way to accept what happened.….eventually; in due time.
Letting go is something that we’ll have to do time and time again in this life. Of both little and big things. Letting go is a skill and it’s a skill that you can acquire.
It’s the skill that will, ultimately, help you move forward and move on.
Personally; I’m continually working on letting go. Learning how to do so has been one of my biggest lessons in this life thus far: how do i let go of him? what didn’t happen for me? the fear of what’s to come?
Can you relate?
The hard part in letting go is when we find ourselves struggling to accept a truth that can feel unbearable, a truth that’s unwanted, hard to swallow and presently indigestible.
how does one do that? how do you accept something that you can’t face?
the first thing we have to do is begin to start facing what feels so hard and go toward where there’s tons of resistance. (Yes, very hard to do, yet it’s the way out.)
We hear it all the time; go toward your fear; face your fear. Hard, yet true.
what do we do when we have no energy to make any move at all toward positive change because: it’s. just. too. hard?
I know in my darkest of days, while clinging to my past, any suggestion toward change or trying something different is met with major resistance. My resistance rejects change. Any helpful suggestions are shut down hard and fast. My stuck mindset creates a “no way out” situation, which leads to me feeling hopeless.
The longer I remain in my resistance and stuck mindset the bigger “the beast” gets. My resistance plays victim in believing that “nobody gets it,” and “nobody can relate.” All of these rigid and negative beliefs perpetuate my feelings of isolation and loneliness; and so it goes.
The cycle will keep going around and around like this if I don’t do anything to shift toward the light. So, how do I shift toward the light?
How does one put a stop to any cycle of mental madness? suffering? the pain of a self imposed prison?
Here’s what i know, which is sometimes a frustrating & hard truth:
I’m the one who needs to make the choice to change.
I’m the only one who can start moving toward a different perspective, practice different thoughts and make different decisions throughout my day. Nobody is going to do it for me. If I want a different feeling state; I have to pick different thoughts. Little by little, different thoughts will help to get my mind / body / soul back into a healthier space in order to do the positive actions that I need to do to get myself out of the dark.
Easier said than done; I know. Bare with me as we now discuss actionable steps to help you toward your light.
To begin this positive shift forward; we first have to address our ability to be vulnerable.
why vulnerability?
Our ability to be vulnerable, feel the discomfort and the pain and allow others that we trust and love to support us through to the other side is an important first step in reconnecting back to our source energy; our authenticity.
The point of this step toward vulnerability is to reconnect us back to a healthy support system. Whether that’s reconnecting with a past support system or reinventing a new one; connecting with good, healthy minded people is a foundational peace to start your new chapter. We all need a community of people to help us through in this life. As the story goes; “it takes a village;” nobody can do this (life) alone successfully.
*Don’t have that community yet? That’s okay; becoming more vulnerable will allow you to attract the “right” people to you. Allowing you to begin to build key relationships to help you expand and grow.
The way forward
How do we move forward when we don’t know how to accept our past?
How do we let go of the regret or pain we carry from painful events, missed opportunities and lost connections?
truth:
Until we find inner peace around what has already been written; we will feel & be unable to fully let go of what happened in the past; leaving us unable to move on. Working through and allowing ourselves to feel the grief of the buried pain and eliminating the rumination of what was or what didn’t happened for us is the self reflective & inner work that will release us from the past.
5 reasons why you can’t move on
1. Waiting for the Grass to Be Greener
You’re holding off on doing things that would be positive for you to do until you “feel better.” When we’re struggling with moving forward; we tend to struggle emotionally and mentally with factors such as low self worth, depressive symptoms, low energy, low mood, feelings of hopelessness and indecision. As we all know, it’s really challenging to do self serving things when we’re feeling so depleted of life energy. This keeps us in a negative loop of staying in our ground hogs day routine that perpetuates our stagnant reality.
2. Consistent & Loud Self Judgement
We all have an inner voice that’s talking to us all day long. The quality, tone and message of that voice is what’s determining the reality of our lives in so many respects. Having a fixed timeline around where we think we should be in life and should have done in our lives thus far can be keeping us majorly stuck and in anxiety.
It can take a lot of work (depending on where you’re from, where you live and what the messages of those around you are) to find peace around your current reality. It can be all too easy to get caught in the comparison game with the chronic available exposure of everybody’s life. (the scrolling of the highlight reel can really get to us.)
Simple point being that critical self judgement will strip us of joy.
3. Holding onto the Past via Rumination
One main reasons why we feel unable to let the past go is because we’re stuck in “trying to figure out why” what happened; happened.
It’s crazy making. We can spend countless hours running through situations, again and again, hoping for some kind of clue that will help us find “the answers.” This quest for a particular “answer“ leaves us more intangled in the past. It leaves us further engulfed in what was. Directing our energy to what was instead of what could be is how we remain severely stuck.
what is rumination?
Rumination is a repetitive thought process that involves dwelling on negative feelings, distress, and their causes and consequences. It’s a dangerous loop because often in life we will never be able to “figure out” why things have happened and occurred as they did because sometimes things just don’t make sense.
sometimes, actually often, there’s no particular answer; it just is what it is. This leaves the want to “figure it out” a never ending, unhealthy trap toward major pain and suffering.
Also, there’s often other people’s actions and synergy at play that we cannot decode. It’s not ours. We will never be able to enter the ethers of another’s mind in order to figure out why they chose to say, do or react how they did.
Hear me: when you stop trying to do this; you will find freedom.
Needless to say; rumination and overly thinking about a situation to death is a trap toward unhappiness.
4. Your Self Defeating Story
Oh, the narratives that we hold and tell ourselves on the daily. When I say "narrative,” I’m referring to our story (for worse or better) that we believe to be true about ourselves, the world or a situation.
5. Lacking Positive Belief in Something Bigger
Believing in something bigger and trusting that we’re being supported by something beyond us, helps us to be and remain hopeful.
When we don’t have something bigger for us to believe in, lessening our resistance toward change and, ultimately, letting go is hard to do.
How can we move forward if we don’t have hope?
5 ways to begin healing, move forward & let go
1. Create greener grass now In truth; the grass will get greener as we take the small steps toward doing things differently, now. As we’ve all heard, change is often slow and happens over time. Taking the pressure off of yourself to wait for the right moment when you “feel better” or have more energy might never come around until you take a positive step to give you that in which your waiting for.
The time is now; think about a small step toward different action that you can take today. It doesn’t matter how small it is; I just encourage you to do something different.
2. Work on eliminating self judgement through mindfulness practices, meditation and core personal work
Often, we have to look toward healthy and consistent wellness practices to bring into our lifestyle to get us back to a good rhythm. Just as we couldn’t be physically in shape if we never worked out and engaged in activities to allow our body to be fit; the same is true for our mental wellness muscles.
Find a wellness medium that works for you to engage consistently in and grow & learn from. It could be a podcast, book, deep breathing techniques, meditation, going to therapy, etc. Explore ways that you can work on functioning with less judgement of both yourself and others.
3. Address Your Negative Habit of Rumination
As mentioned above; our habit of rumination is keeping us stuck on the past. In order to move on; learning to redirect and guide your mind toward self serving thoughts rather than obsessing and highly focusing on thoughts that create distress, anxiety and fear is required.
Start with becoming more aware of when you ruminate. Bring in breathe work techniques such as box breathing to help calm your parasympathetic nervous system and help you achieve greater presence.
*If your over thinking and rumination is severe; it might be a good idea to get support from a licensed mental health professional. Find an article to support your search for the right therapist for you HERE.
4. Eliminate Unhealthy Narratives
Breaking down the narrative(s) that are keeping you stuck in the past and holding you in a purgatory state of life is essential toward moving on.
Combat your false stories of what you believe to be true with fact.
Allow yourself a way out of your self sabotaging stories and resistance by focusing on facts; not your negative false fearful stories or self fulfilling prophecies.
To shift, begin to engage with thoughts that allow you to have “a way out.” Pay attention to how your thoughts make you feel in your body / mind. When a thought feels bad, learn to pay attention and guide yourself to a better feeling thought. Do this practice with intention and awareness. Practice it daily and with time you will notice a difference in your overall feeling state.
5. Trust in Something Bigger Than You
Maybe “something bigger” for you is a religion, a spiritual belief system, the universe, a specific God. Whatever it may be; find something beyond you to ground in and believe in. Having positive belief and faith is a comforting & needed way of thinking in order to move forward. Especially when you’re stuck with no direction on how to proceed forward; hope is mandatory in order to take chances and remain healthy minded.
Also too; don’t forget about the concept of divine timing:
“Divine timing is the idea that everything happens at the right moment; even if it's not what you want or expect. It can manifest as a meaningful coincidence, gut feeling, or challenging obstacle. Divine timing can also be a way for the universe to look out for you, helping you avoid pitfalls or take advantage of opportunities.”
I hope that you feel supported and have some sort of idea for a way out of any unhealthy mindset that’s holding you back from moving on to more fulfilling times.
Looking for more?
*find a similar article on the topic of longing HERE
*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Depression (Signs, Symptoms & Healing)
With depression being reported as the most common of mental health disorders, I wanted to shine a light on this important topic. It’s estimated that about 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. have been diagnosed with depression within their lifetime. That’s a significant amount of people coping and dealing with symptoms that create much suffering and despair.
Too many in my book.
With that said lets get into the signs, symptoms and ways toward healing any level or bout of depression that you or a loved one may be experiencing.
We’ve all had the blues. It’s inevitable to feel a state of low mood or sadness from time to time; it’s human.
However, when that low mood becomes a consistent pattern where there are way more downs than ups and your way of thinking and seeing the world becomes grim and compromised, it’s important to implement actions and steps to care for yourself.
The Gateway to Depression
Discomfort with our feelings lead us to escape mechanisms or coping behaviors: drinking too much, general busyness, overall distraction, overly achieving, doing & attaining; numbing out with our phones, tv, too much work, overconsumption of a relentless amount of things that we don’t need, over scheduling, overly social, lack of any connectedness.
Maybe the opposite is true; you can’t get yourself to do anything, start anything, finish anything. You don’t have the want, desire or energy for the things that you used to have energy and want for. Whatever the case may be for you, we all have our unique signs and predominate symptoms of how our depression shows up.
*While reading this article be mindful to focus on how your mind/body/soul is speaking to you or reacting to any mental health challenges that you might be experiencing.
Living with depression can feel like you’re walking around the living world numbed out and half dead.
This is no way for you to proceed and live. My aim for this post is to provide education, resources and tools to clearly guide you toward options for positive change in order to revive your level of mental health.
Let’s begin.
on restlessness:
“we cannot be still. we do everything in a hurry, rushing from one thing to the next. wherever we are, we always think we should be somewhere else.”
“we’re longing for something and craving something, but we don’t know what it is……we do everything we can to forget the feelings of loneliness and suffering inside.”
book- the art of living
Symptoms & Signs of Depression:
Psychological symptoms
Low Mood: Sadness, numbness, loneliness or emptiness
Low self-confidence: feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness or hopelessness
Lack of Motivation in people, places or things that you once had interest in: Lack of interest or pleasure in activities, or no motivation at all.
Difficulty with Decision making: Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or generally making decisions
Anxiety & Restlessness: Feeling chronically anxious or worried, rumination of negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness
Confabulation: a type of unconscious memory error that’s filled with fabricated, misinterpreted, or distorted information. A lack of awareness that a memory is false or distorted with no attempt to deceive or lie. (think of it as making something worse than it is, but you believe your interpretation to be true; that’s confabulation.)
Suicidal thoughts: Thoughts of death or suicide, or attempts
Physical Symptoms
Low Energy: Fatigue, lack of energy, or feeling slowed down
Difficulty sleeping: waking up too early or oversleeping. Getting too much or too little of sleep or interrupted sleep due to racing or negative thoughts.
Changes in appetite or weight; decreased appetite or weight loss, or increased cravings for food and weight gain
Unexplained body aches and pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without any clear physical cause
Easily frustrated or irritated from things ordinarily not bothered by
Tips on Healing
Go Natural
If you’re looking for an all natural road toward healing your depression and want to sway away from prescription medications; an option is to try an herbal supplement such as St. John’s Wort. (*I’m not promoting this avenue of healing; I’m providing you with options in order for you to explore what the best path is for you.) Read more about the potential benefits and drawbacks to this natural remedy HERE.
Connect
In the throws of depression, a general knee jerk reaction is to want to isolate and shut yourself off from people and doing much of anything. This usually is the way we can further lose ourselves and fall deeper into our negative thoughts & feelings. Trying your best to find routine, connect with people whom are healthy & good influences is an important part of getting your mental health back on a healthy track.
Find Peace & Calm
I’m sure you’ve heard this one before: meditate. With all the invasive negative thought loops and bad feelings that depression brings meditation offers you the space to learn to quiet by allowing everything to be seen, to come to the surface, to be experienced, to be felt and ultimately be released. A consistent meditation practice can help you learn how to bring peace and calm into your life. Find options for different meditation apps HERE.
CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Therapy could provide you the tools to counter negative and distorted thinking patterns. A skilled therapist could help you to see your way out of the grim stories and outlook that keep your depressed state alive. Find more information about the kind of therapeutic approach that is often used to treat clients with depressive symptoms HERE.
Feel Your Feelings
If your feelings continue to be unseen and unheard, depression has a clear gateway to slip in and overtake.
As your feelings are seen and heard they will quiet by being acknowledged. A habit of thoroughly coping with your feelings in a healthy way can greatly reduce your risk of depression entering into your world.
If you would like more direction on how to feel your feelings find an article HERE.
Submerge in Nature
Nature is healing. Intentionally putting yourself around the smells, tones and rawness of natural settings has the tendency to reset the mind/body/soul. Even little touches like adding green house plants into your indoor space can be helpful in uplifting your mood. Find more information about how nature naturally acts as a healing remedy HERE.
Depression test : Are you depressed?
Be mindful to take any online test that’s not being administered directly by any licensed professional as a gage. It’s always important to get a thorough diagnosis from a licensed professional when dealing with serious mental health conditions. With that said, if you want to gage where you are in terms of your symptoms of depression, you can find a quick test HERE.
Additional Resources:
*If you feel like your depression is severe and you need to work with a licensed professional; find tips on how to find “the right” mental health professional for you HERE.
Good luck on your healing journey. Feel free to contact me for any further tips or resources to assist you further.
*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Emotional Regulation (How to Control Your Emotions in A Healthy Way)
Lacking the skills to emotionally regulate in a healthy way can cost us a lot, especially in our adult years. I suppose it’s more socially acceptable & understandable to watch an 7 year old have a meltdown vs a 40 year old, right?
Avoiding strained relationships and regretful adult fits is my aim for bringing up the topic of emotional regulation.
What is emotional regulation?
emotional regulation is the ability to exert healthy control over one’s emotional reactions and general feeling state.
When we can successfully emotionally regulate we’re able to:
restrain from acting impulsively due to behaviors related to strong positive or negative emotions
organize ourself for positive action to meet an external goal
self-soothe strong emotional responses
refocus our attention regardless of the presence of strong emotion
The opposite of emotional regulation is emotional dysregulation. As you might have guessed, this is when we lack the skills to be able to control our emotions in a healthy way. With an inability to regulate our emotions comes reactions that will seem (and usually be) out of proportion compared to what we’re reacting to. In short your reactions will, more often than not, not match the event.
When we’re in a state of emotional dysregulation we often will say or do things we later regret, causing self shame and creating strain in our relationships. An inability to regulate our emotions can result in significant mood swings and shame cycles out of regret or embarrassment around our “big” reactions or presence of extreme and exaggerated emotions.
Lacking the skills to emotionally regulate goes beyond our inability to control our reactions. It can compromise our self confidence and sense of self trust causing us to feel more frustration than need be.
Why Controlling Our Emotions May Be Difficult
With all that said, there’s usually reasons why someone whose a grown adult has arrived into their maturity struggling to emotionally regulate. Sometimes, we weren’t taught how to calm and soothe ourselves by our primary caregivers/parents while growing up. Perhaps we had home environments that didn’t encourage emotional expression, so we didn’t learn how to feel, experience and process our emotions in a positive manner. Maybe our primary caregivers, our main models for teaching us how to react and respond to our emotions, modeled unhealthy coping themselves. * This is not to point the finger of blame; it’s to understand why we might be reacting how we react.
Sometimes during our pivotal developmental years events occur that compromise our ability to learn how to cope with our emotions, stunting our mental/emotional development An example of this might be suffering from a mental health condition, like a serious eating disorder or depression. Serious mental health conditions or unexpected events (like the loss of a significant caregiver figure) has the ability to sidetrack our emotional growth.
3 Reasons Why Emotional Regulation Can Be Difficult
1. We were never taught how to cope with our emotions in a calm and healthy way.
2. Mental health issues such as depression and anxiety inhibit our ability to cope with our emotions and can greatly impact the way we respond to life events and stressors.
3. Our general level of stress & overwhelm is so great that it interferes with our ability to respond to life in healthy ways.
Whatever the case may be, I’m confident that with your awareness and desire for learning new skills you can improve your ability to emotionally regulate. If you’re discovering that you’re having trouble regulating your emotions, I want you to know that you can learn how to do so.
You’re not broken. You’re not damaged.
There’s always the option to learn how to shift and change for the better, which is what this post is offering you.
Having a better grasp on your emotions will help you work through difficult circumstances and handle life situations with more grace and with a more balanced perspective. Having healthy control of your feelings allows you to better conflict resolve and, overall, have the capacity for healthier relationships.
bring on the healing.
3 Tips for Healthy Emotional Coping
Ultimately, the way toward a more healthful way of emotionally responding & reacting is learning the tools to help you cope with your emotions in a more balanced & mindful way.
Here are 3 tips to help you do just that:
1. Get out of your head and into your body
Increasing your awareness around how your emotions “speak” to you through your physical body can strengthen your unique mind/body connection.
Trauma is stored in your body; not your mind.
If you take a moment to pay attention to your body when you’re stressed, you will notice tightening in your muscles and a sense of closed off and rigid energy. If you notice how your body feels when you’re relaxed; you will experience a loosening throughout your body and a sense of lightness and openness.
With the body mind connection always at play, we can use our physicality to help push through and process our emotions. I know for me the rhythm of my breath or footing when I’m running is meditative and many long runs have helped to calm and reduce my stress levels. Not a runner? Not an issue. Any form of intentional physical movement can support the process of your emotions being felt, processed and pushed through.
Positive physical action & movement is a path to great healing. How you take care of your physical self impacts the level of your emotional and mental self; this will always be connected and true.
You can’t be a cohesively healthy person without practicing healthy mind, body & soul health.
2. Practice Mindfulness
In dialectical behavioral therapy, which is based around the concept of mindfulness, there’s the concept of the wise mind and the emotion mind. I really like to use these two terms to help my clients learn how to better emotionally regulate.
wise mind
The wise mind is a state that encompasses your logical, fact based mind. When your acting from your wise mind your able to access a deep logical place within where your intuition and inner knowing live, which are designed to help you to take effective action.
emotion mind
When your acting from your emotion mind your thoughts are being controlled by your emotions, which makes any sort of logical thinking difficult. When we’re in our emotion mind we often distort the events to be bigger and worse than they are.
Having awareness & understanding that there’s a distinction between your “wise” mind & “emotion” can give you context for when you’re really “in your feelings.” With practice and intention your awareness of knowing that your caught in your emotion mind and learning to pause before you react can help you react better when big emotions surface.
It’s best not to make decisions when we’re consumed in our emotions that don’t necessarily see a situation for what it is.
3. Look Toward the Root issue
If our inability to emotionally regulate is due to an external factor, then tending to any outside issue that’s blocking our growth could be an important place to focus. Any mental health symptoms such as depression, anxiety or general overwhelm that is contributing to your inability to react and respond in a healthy manner deserves your attention.
If the root issue is not considered and given the proper attention, getting your emotions under proper control will remain a difficult ongoing task. Beyond mental health issues, I invite you to consider any outside interference or situation that could be adding to your inability to cope with your emotions in a healthy way.
Reflective Questions for further self exploration around possible root issues
Do you have a stressful living or work environment?
Are you experiencing issues within your close interpersonal relationships? your partnership? family? marriage?
Do you feel stress & worry around your finances & way of living?
Do you have any chronic health issues or injuries that are impacting the way you feel and function?
4. Pause -Breathe - Proceed
I love this catchy short mantra to help you focus on being less emotionally reactive:
PAUSE / BREATHE / PROCEED
To some extent, being controlled by our emotions and reacting from a heated emotional place is merely a bad, conditioned habit. To help you break this habit, these three words offer you a mindfulness tool when you’re feeling really “in your feelings.”
step 1 -Pause (remind yourself to not react with your emotion mind leading)
step 2- Breathe (take a moment to deep breathe when triggered to avoid a impulsive reaction)
step 3 - Proceed (after taking the time & space you need to center & calm; proceed)
As I said earlier, the most important thing that I want you to know is that you can learn skills that can help you to emotionally regulate better. Even if you’re reactions have always been over the top, heated and from an emotional place; if you want to change, you could change.
With a desire to respond & react to your life in a healthier and more productive way change is on the horizon. Your willingness to learn the skills to shift the way you react will help you to feel more in control of your emotional reactions so they don’t keep controlling you.
Good luck my friend. I believe in you.