Grieving A Never Life (The Life That Didn't Happen)
what is a never life?
A never life is the life that didn’t happen.
It’s the path that you didn’t go down. It’s the life that you once dreamed of having that, for whatever reason, never came to be. It’s what we thought, expected or hoped would happen, but didn’t.
A never life could be grief over the career we never explored, the relationship that didn’t work out, the city that we left unexplored, the kids we never had, the relationship with our parents that wasn’t & still isn’t….. it can show up in many different forms and it’s incredibly unique to us and our journey.
The kind of grieve and pain that “a never life” can activate can easily be overlooked by others because only we know the unseen desire we carry inwardly for what never was.
In her Dear Sugar column, Cheryl Strayed talks about the idea of a "sister life" (sometimes called "ghost ship" or "parallel life.”)
The basic idea of a sister life is this:
A "sister life" is the life you didn’t live — but could have lived — if you had made different choices, or if circumstances had been different. It’s the version of you that exists in theory, not in reality.
If you’re grieving a "never life," you’re experiencing one of the loneliest kinds of grief.
This is true because it’s invisible. There's no funeral, no white roses, no rituals, no casseroles dropped at your door or acknowledgement of the pain from the outside.
But inside, it's devastating. You and only you alone know the pain of a never life.
You are in a real grief process when mourning a never life.
It’s not about "getting over” it.
Rather that getting over it, coping and getting beyond the pain of a never life entails:
Letting yourself feel the layers of it, without trying to rush, avoid the pain of or minimize it.
It’s about eventually — slowly & gently — letting new seeds of life grow from a scorched earth of a dead dream.
Not to replace what you lost — nothing can — but to honor the fact that you are still here. You are still alive and because this is so, life must move forward in order for you to find happiness.
If you are in the mist of feeling the pain and loss of a never life; perhaps right now, it’s not about "moving on." Maybe right now, it’s about sitting with the black ash of what never happened and saying:
"This never life really mattered to me. This not happening for me hurts AND I will not let this define me. I will not allow this to be the climax of my story. I will not abandon myself here.”
The way out is moving toward acceptance
Ask yourself: what unborn dreams do I have that can still come to fruition? What dreams can still happen for me that would bring me joy, fulfillment, etc.? Maybe you say “none.'“ If so, okay; but work on allowing the space for new ones to emerge.
Remember that there are dreams that can still happen for you.
Here’s what’s important to remember and accept about the future:
It may look different than what you pictured. It may arrive slowly & unexpectedly. Your ability to experience what you desire — that part of you can be brought back to life; especially after it’s been numbed out by the pain of what didn’t happen; the pain of a never life.
I hope for these words to support you through your difficult feelings. Much love & resilience to you if you’re working through the pain of a never life. I’ve been there and sometimes revisit the pain of my never life as my actual reality continues to unfold. I notice that the pain more quickly passes when I allow the hard, painful feelings to be there rather than mask them and avoid them.
I think we all have things that we wish went differently; that’s human & real and it doesn’t need to define us.
I’ve learned that the only way beyond something hard; is through. In order to heal something you must face it and so is true with the pain that arises from a never life.
*Image by Photographer & Visual Artist Amy Lynn Bjornson
Below are some related resources for you:
Radical Acceptance (How to Move Forward after Loss)
how do you move forward after loss? The kind of loss that has cut you wide open and has left you without any hope. A loss that shakes you to your core and challenges your grit, strength and ability to overcome.
First off, I think that the devastation that certain losses bring have the potential to take us to a hopeless place within. Having feelings of hopelessness as apart of your grieving process vs. remaining in a hopeless place are two very different things.
Moving on from our past or past events that have been really difficult for us can be a struggle. Wonder if you don’t want to move forward? What if you can’t get yourself to move on from a situation that you either refuse to accept is done and over or has actually happened. Denial is a stage in the grief process. When something is emotionally difficult for us to process, denial acts as a defense until we can eventually accept the reality of any situation.
If you’re working through emotions around loss; in this post, I’m speaking to you my friend.
If I’ve learned anything at this point in life thus far:
it’s knowing that where there is resistance; there is some valuable insight to gain. Resistance often acts as a compass. It gives us direction toward what we might need to unlock, unblock or change in order to move forward.
Within the body the feeling of loss can present as a tightening in the chest. A heaviness that won’t give, a crook in the throat, a feeling of nausea in the heart, a hard blow to the stomach; loss is, generally, a really difficult emotion to cope with. For more on how to feel your feelings, specifically difficult emotions, find my post on that topic HERE.
how do you cope with the loss of someone or something? I’m referring to the loss of a person, a dream unmet, any sort of loss that you have standing before you that you are being called to move beyond, stomach or live with. Let’s touch base around some perspectives and truths to digest that can potentially help you to see some light.
loss of people (a break up or death)
Here are some of the comments that I’ve received from people in pain over loss:
“the love of my life has moved on and I can’t let them go.”
“I lost the most important thing to me; how do I go on?”
“but i’m “X” age and i have to face it’s not going to happen. It’s over for me”
“but they are gone”
Let me do my best to speak to the magnitude of these statements. First off, there’s no quick fix for any deep loss. I can’t possibility say anything that’s going to make the pain and discomfort of what is happening “go away.” Learning how to cope more healthfully with loss is the work I’m helping you to discover to do for yourself. I, nor anyone for that matter, do not possess the kind of power to “take away” what is only yours to work through, process and heal from.
However, a key healing element that you do have, is the power of choice. With choice, you get to decide how you are going to choose to perceive anything that is happening.
Working through significant loss is a dance of facing the most uncomfortable of truths mixed with catching yourself when you’re attaching to a perspective that holds no opportunity for you to move forward.
Let’s take the comment from above, “it’s over for me.” There’s truth that a certain relationship, person, career, stage of life or specific possibility might be over. It’s also true that something else exists on the other side of the pain and present time space reality that holds a different feeling state and reality for you if you allow yourself to heal, more forward and believe in a different possibility.
Call it hope, or the ability to believe something before you can see it. These are the ways of thinking that will serve you to spend some time thinking about as opposed to the extreme black & white thinking of “it’s done and there’s no point to move forward.”
Final conclusions about your life while you are still alive and living will limit you greatly and destroy your hope and ability to feel happiness.
As you are able to do so, the key in healing from loss is beginning to sit with the most uncomfortable truths of the loss; feeling it, breathing into it, working through the pain and discomfort that the reality or “story about” your situation brings up.
loss of a dream
I want to also speak to the loss of our life dreams. Sometimes there’s truth that certain things didn’t happen for us that we really wanted to happen. If this is true, we may need to grieve those unborn dreams. Some dreams do require us to grieve the loss of them in order for us to fully let them go.
2 types of dreams
unborn dreams that are still possible and have not happened for us yet.
unborn dreams where the window of opportunity has closed or is not possible.
Radical Acceptance: A Skill to Help you Move forward to “a life worth living”
There are four possible responses that we can have to any problem that we encounter.
Our 4 choices are;
1- solve the problem / make a change
2- change our emotional reaction to the situation
3- radically accept the situation
4- stay miserable
I don’t know about you, but number 4 is immediately out for me. I’m going to assume that true for you as well, being that you’re currently reading a wellness blog and more importantly because I want more for you; even if you’re willing to settle for “stay miserable,” I’m willing to hold higher expectation for you until you believe it for yourself.
For the purposes of this post, I’m going to focus on the option of choice #3, radical acceptance.
Radical Acceptance : Radically Accept the Situation
The term “radical acceptance” is a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) concept and is a distress tolerance skill. Distress tolerance: Distress tolerance is a person's ability to manage actual or perceived emotional distress.
What is radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance entails finding acceptance without judgement for situations that are outside of our control, which in itself, reduces our suffering toward “what is.” Much of our suffering and struggle is often due to a lack of acceptance of our reality and our judgement about what is actually happening to us and in our lives. Radical acceptance invites us to detach from our feelings, which does not mean that we don’t allow ourselves to feel our feelings. What it does call for is for us to be able to experience and see our emotions for what they are, instead of overly connecting with them, which leads us to live in our pain.
As you can imagine, not attaching to our feelings can be really difficult to refrain from doing, especially when we’ve created a habit of doing so. Many people who struggle with depression have a habit of overly attaching to difficult feelings. This is not a fault; it’s a way of learned or habitual coping that doesn’t allow us to see the light and move on from our pains and hurts.
Over identifying with our emotions can keep us stuck in the past and in our pain.
Radical acceptance does not mean that you have to like or even agree with what has and what is happening in your life. Rather, it offers hope and the potential for a clear and unlimited future because it asks for you to accept things as they are, without judgement vs being stuck in non acceptance and fighting against reality.
3 steps toward further coping & healing
1. facing fear. Gaining the courage to face the reality of your situation and the feelings that it brings up by allowing your emotions to surface is how we begin to heal. We can’t heal something that we are avoiding to deal with. By looking the situation (and our feelings about it) in the face without trying to deny it or twist it into something it is not, we can find relief.
2. working toward acceptance. Working to accept the reality of your situation is what, ultimately, will set you free.
3. build positive events/experiences. Reengaging with life after loss by building new connections and experiences in present time is what will further help you to move on in a healthy way. After all, that’s what living life is, right? It’s a dance of ebb and flow; knowing when to hold on and when to let go. It’s allowing things to come in and out without our force and control.
Trust that the people & things that are for you will stay & what’s not for you will go as you rebuild.
2 types of experiences to focus on building:
Short term experiences – focus on things that are possible right now and can help you to feel better in this moment.
Long Term experiences – invest in things that give you a lasting sense of happiness and contentment ; experiences that contribute to building a life worth living.
summing it all up
The truth: we can change how we cope with hardship & struggle. No matter how much we feel stuck in our ways, with a desire for change; change is always possible.
when we accept what has happened, we then can work toward thriving in our lives no matter what the reality is or isn’t.
Some final thoughts for you.
Working through feelings of loss requires time and space. Be gentle with yourself as you are healing and working through difficult emotions. Give yourself grace and be mindful of getting caught up in timelines or rushed energy of when you think things need to be done and checked off.
Ultimately, work toward surrendering resistance toward what you cannot change.
I know, easier said than done. I hope my words have helped provide some perspective and ideas for you to carry with you toward moving through any loss you might be facing. Much love, from me to you, along your journey through it.
Recommended read for more on radical acceptance: book, “Radical Acceptance” by Psychologist Tara Brach
*Above Image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
