The Power of Your Words (what you say (or don't say) can change everything)
I think we’ve all had moments where our responses have been reactive; rather then intentional. This often leads down a rabbit hole of feeling guilt, shame and regret of what was said and so the cycle goes.
I know I can relate to this dance. can you?
This post is my attempt to provide a reflective read in order for you to take a step back, pause, recenter and (re) remind yourself of some essential truths around healthy & effective communication.
I found these communication tips below inspired by Jefferson Fisher to be incredibly powerful and helpful, so I wanted to share the valuable insights with you.
You meaning; my people, my community. Let’s get into this topic.
Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. - lao TZU
These quick and actionable communication tips have the capacity to improve your relationships (including the one with yourself) because speaking in a self respecting and intentional way positively impacts everyone.
A lot of these suggestions are about saying less or nothing at all, as silence is powerful. Speaking with discernment is powerful. Less is often more when it comes to the power of communication.
If all you take from this read is to become more intentional and discerning around when you speak; than I’ve done my work here. Speak when you have something relevant to say and, on the contrary, know when to leave room for silence, for empty space (which can be difficult for many of us to do.)
Some of us find silence uncomfortable. Gaps in conversations awkward, so in order to prevent discomfort we talk. We talk when we have nothing to say because we’ve convinced ourselves that mindless chatter is better than dealing with silence.
This is such a false truth; and potentially repels those in the room that are seeking more depth and connection.
When I was becoming a therapist, one of the first things I was taught, was how to “sit with the silence in the room.” To be with the space. To be mindful not to fill the gaps in communication that happen in a client session. This is an important space for a therapist to hold for their clients. Those gaps that you leave space for are sometimes when really important moments or insights happen, as growth needs space.
3 basic communication tips for more clear + direct communication
tip #1
eliminate adjectives: be mindful not to abuse “filler words” such as: just, like, really, actually. This is especially true when we’re publicly speaking or looking to convey an important point. (I need to work on this)
tip #2
be cognizant of your tone and pace of words; remember that clarity exudes confidence. Confidence speaks slowly and clearly; This can be a great tip to remember when you find yourself in a situation where someone is trying to talk over you. You can convey your self respect and hold the attention by slowing your speech, keeping a clear tone and continuing on with your point.
tip #3
how to spot false truths: liars tend to speak fast and answer questions quickly.
When you have nothing to hide it’s more common to take your time while articulating your thoughts. When you’re looking to spot someone’s ability for honesty, note cadence of speech, fast, wordy and fragmented answers, space filling and intentional redirection of the conversation and the topic. This often can be a redirection back toward you.
ex: “where was I today? where were YOU today?”
confidence is quiet ; ego is loud
3 tips for difficult communication:
1. breathe
Especially when you’re feeling defensiveness surfacing: breathe. Before responding, practice calming your nervous system with a deep breath so you are less likely to be reactive and give yourself a moment of recollection to respond with well intention.
here’s how:
pause
leave 5-7 seconds of space
talk with intent by talking slowly and calmly
2. don’t be afraid to ask
When in the mist of a heated conversation, don’t be afraid to ask:
“did you really mean that?” (did you really mean what you said, did, etc?)
What this does is it gives the other person the chance to think about the hurtful, hateful, potentially offensive thing that they said and gives them the opportunity to respond in a healthier, more conflict resolved way.
This is especially beneficial in relationships where we feel or know that the other person has our best interest at heart. This question has the capacity to clear conflict in a more productive way by providing an “olive branch” for the other to course correct with in the mist of a heated conflict.
3. be truthful & direct with your responses
A sign of emotional maturity is being able to speak the truth clearly and with respect. This does a couple of things:
when you say the truth; you see the truth.
This is so because when you know how to speak honestly and with well intention, it reveals who can and (can’t) match you. People who are uncomfortable with the truth will not be able to sustain a truthful homeostasis, which you eventually will uncover by being and remaining honest on your end. It’s too uncomfortable for them; so saying the truth will help you identify where people stand. Then you get to decide what action you want or need to take in order for you to carry on with your self respect, way of being, etc.
you eliminate a lot of assumptions and false stories when you center on the truth.
Loads of confusion results when someone is “beating around the bush” and not being direct in their communication. This is so because the truth is usually more simple; it’s not noisy. The truth can be hard; but it won’t be chaotic. The truth can cause chaos depending on the reaction of the receiver, however that is not the fault of saying the truth; that’s more indicative of where the other person’s comfort zone lies with the truth.
When in doubt remember: The truth is fact. Fact is stable and steady.
key communication tip
what to say when you really don’t want to go: (meaning “go” to the event, the party, the dinner, the whatever it is that everything in your body is saying a big, fat inward “NO” toward.)
Here’s an example of a simple dialogue to build around:
I can’t make it. (clear, not wordy, truth, being direct)
Thank you for the invite (expressing gratitude)
Have a good time at (fill in the activity or event.) (expressing kindness)
Declining an invite doesn’t need to cause mental torture. It does not need to leave you feeling guilt ridden. It does not need to be wordy. It is not unkind to have no reason for the decline. You do not need to explain why you “can’t make it.” It’s perfectly okay & mature to say ‘NO” directly, concisely and respectfully. Believe it.
final words
Working on your communication skills is a practice that will serve you greatly as the quality of your relationships has been researched to be the biggest predictor of a happy, well lived life.
Until next time my friends. See below for some additional resources on this topic.
An Invitation For You
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How To Say “No” (Why It’s So Important To Do)
How hard is it for you to say “No?” Maybe it’s easy for you, maybe it’s not.
Regardless, when we start talking about saying “No” to the people you care about and the things that you want to do, it can get a bit tricky. If you’re still pretty set that a hard “No” is easy for you to throw down, then good for you and pass this along to a friend who needs some tips. Right on.
Navigating your life by saying “no,” setting boundaries and being clear about your priorities is such a refreshing place to BE. There’s less noise, pressure and guilt in this space. There’s more time for the things that really matter. There’s more peace and calm because boundary setting and being clear about what works for you and what doesn’t will allow you to honor your wants and needs.
An over abundance of saying “Yes” in relationships when we really want to say “No” will leave us drained and detached from our center. To go further, having no boundaries by always saying “Yes” leads to disrespectful treatment from others and a disrespect of self. (No Thank You.) We are showing people how to treat us by how we schedule our time and how we show up in our lives. If we’re giving ourselves scraps, we will be getting scraps from others. As you can imagine, there’s a negative spider web effect that occurs when we deny our needs by people pleasing, having none or weak boundaries and exhausting ourselves because of what we’ve convinced ourselves we “should” do.
First, let’s clear up what saying “No” is not.
For some, saying “No” tends to feel rejecting, rude, not trying hard enough, is selfish, etc. These are some of the validations that keep us saying “Yes” to things that overload our schedules. Needless to say, this negative take on what “No” is, is so far from the truth. Saying “No” is actually extremely empowering, respectful, clear, strong, wise, courageous and important if we want to live a life full of consideration of what’s important to us.
If we get in the habit of continually saying “Yes,” we’ll begin to ignore the sensor going off within that’s trying to signal toward our truth. Ignoring this inner mechanism time and time again will result in a disconnect from having any sort of knowing of what’s a green light and what’s a red light internally. This is how we become misdirected and lost.
To make it clear & simple, “No” is actually a clear, amazing boundary.
It’s not a negative; It’s a necessary. Especially, if you’re going to honor what’s a fit for you in this life.
Saying “No” is one of the most important skills that you can learn. It’s the phrase that’s going to allow you to prioritize what’s important to you. If you say “Yes” to everything, what’s significant to you will get only scraps of your time. This is where problems arise, my friends.
Just to clarify, I’m all for saying “Yes” to those things that are going to help you learn, grow and encourage you to expand. I’m. All. For. It. There’s absolutely a time to say “I’m going for it” and take the leap.
However, it’s essential to protect the energy and time that you only have so much of in a day. In order to protect the limited daily supply of your energy you have to prioritize what’s significant to you, which will require you to say “No” to some people and experiences.
Wait for it… Even the ones you really want to par take in. Taking good care of yourself sometimes means saying “NO” to people and experiences that you want to show up for, but simply don’t have the mental capacity or the physical time for. This is where the concepts of prioritizing and acceptance kicks in. Acceptance that you can’t be in three places at once and that there’s only so much energy that you can expend in a day before you’re burnt out.
Now let’s get into some clear tips to help you say “No” with more confidence, assertiveness and peace in your heart.
Ready, set; Let’s do this.
Tip #1 Accept That Some People Are Going To Dislike Your “No”
I don’t think any of us will be able to escape the reality that there will be people in our world who want us to do what they want us to do. (Did you get that? People who WANT WHAT THEY WANT. NOT PEOPLE WHO WANT THE BEST FOR US.) Please get clear on deciphering this difference within your relationships.
When we say “No” to the relationships that are used to us bending for them by saying “Yes,” we’ll likely face a challenge. This challenge usually comes in the form of what I’ll call “kick back” reactions. “Kick back” meaning reactions like passive aggressive comments, irritated moods, silent treatments, ghosting on texts, ignoring behaviors, etc. (You know, all those warm & fuzzy, feel good behaviors to be on the other end of; Kidding. )
We can face these “kick back” reactions by accepting the truth of the matter here. Instead of being so scared about witnessing a negative reaction from a friend or loved one, PLEASE take note of it. I want YOU to see and experience the reality of what you’re signing up for when you choose to be on the receiving end of any relationship. Your relationship world will become much more rich when you begin to say “Yes” to your needs and “No” to what others want from you. You will organically be bringing the well intended relationships toward you and be pushing the one’s with selfish intentions away. YAY!
People who are used to us saying “Yes” all the time, will be taken back when we introduce boundaries into the relationship. Some relationships will reconfigure and find a happy medium, while others might dissipate as the relationship could only BE if we deny our needs. (No Thank You.) This truth can be really hard to swallow. Make sure you have the support you need, especially if the relationship in question is a pivotal relationship that has a lot of emotional strings attached. (Like mom or best friend, etc)
The good news is that if you hold your boundaries, your relationships will be better for it. This, in turn, will greatly improve your life as it weeds out people who aren’t there for your best interest and allows you to carry on honoring your badass self. Cheers to that.
Tip # 2 Accept That You’re Going To Miss Out On Some Things
When you say “No” to one thing, you’re consequently saying “Yes” to something else that you might not be able to foresee. For example, have you ever been really bummed out that you couldn’t make the trip or go to the thing and then when the day rolled around some other amazing opportunity popped into your life? Whether you have experienced this or not, please realize that life is full of unexpected goodies if you allow the space and time for the unknown.
When you say “No,” you’re allowing more time and space for organic opportunities and “life itself “to play out without your interception. This is when things can get really interesting.
Tip #3 Learn the Art of Discernment
The tricky part of saying “No” is when you actually really want to say “Yes.” Sometimes, in order to honor your values and what’s significant to you, you will have to say “No.” There will be times, maybe few and far between, where you have a road in front of you with two choices. One choice will compromise your values, morals and what makes you feel good about yourself. The other choice will represent the opportunity for you to continue honoring your best interest, which usually spills over to the best interest of the ones you love. Some opportunities will challenge your character by presenting temptation that will take you off course if you allow it to.
I’m speaking to alluring situations that you might instinctively want to grab onto because they will look shiny, be attractive and filled with temptation. Maybe this means saying “No” to the attractive co-worker because you’re committed to your marriage and want to honor your vows. Maybe this means saying “No” to the adventurous friends trip to Mexico because it falls over your Mom’s birthday and it’s important for you to honor her by showing up on that very day.
Temptation can really challenge the inner moral compass if we’re not straight with our values. However, if you take the time to center, get quiet and truly evaluate what’s important to you in this life, the struggle will not be so intense because of the clarity that you pre established for what’s true for you. Using discernment to make good decisions will help you hold close what really matters. Your discernment and clarity will help you in tricky situations that life will throw at you on a small or large scale.
Tip #4 Literally, How to Say No
If the actual act of having a conversation where you enforce a boundary by saying “No” is your personal hold up, this final tip is for you. What I can say with confidence about anything that’s uncomfortable in this life, is that if you keep facing the discomfort and practicing getting through it, the intimidation factor of anything will lessen over time.
It. Just. Will.
I know that’s hard to believe about a present topic that makes your skin crawl with discomfort, but it’s true. Courage to face the discomfort of anything paired with an action to handle something differently is the formula for change. If you keep practicing saying “No,” it will become more natural and easier for you to do with time. It’s just like learning to ride a bike. It feels like the most awkward thing at first and eventually, if you keep at it, you’ll be able to pop on one without a thought.
Here are some clear ways to verbally say “No” with kindness:
Thank you so much for the invite, but I’m going to have to pass….have a blast!
I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not going to be able to make it….have fun!
There’s one key thing here that I want you to soak in: There’s no need for any wordy explanations here that some of us might feel obligated to give.
Usually that “obligation” to over explain is driven by our guilt and anxiety. (Friends; that’s OUR guilt and anxiety to work through individually and privately. There’s no need to bring that to the other person.) If this is your personal struggle, do your best to refrain from over explaining.
Also, you don’t need to have something else going on or scheduled in order to give yourself permission to say “No” to an invite from another. You could just say “No.” Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t that blowing your mind? You can say “No” in order to stay home and read a book or go to a yoga class. You can say “No” because you just feel like it and there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t owe someone a long and twisted reason why you can’t come. Again, the instinctual want to over explain to the invitee is usually driven by your guilt and shame of feeling like you “should” go or please that other. No need for any of this friends.
I wanted to keep this short and sweet. If you take away anything from this post, my overall message is that saying “No” represents you honoring and respecting yourself. There’s an art involved in creating your reality with voicing intentional “No’s” and “Yes’s.”Only you have the inner knowing of what’s the right move to take given the opportunity in front of you. Learn to listen to what’s right for you by giving yourself time and space. Learn to trust yourself by making healthy and balanced decisions that honor your self respect.
Keep close to your heart what’s important to you and that will help you navigate the decisions that are constantly coming your way. Remember that saying “No” is incredibly self honoring and reflects the self respect that you hold. Treasure that self respect. It’s the most important thing that you’ve got!
Cheers! Much love friends.
*Image by San Diego based photographer, Ashley WIlliams.
How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries are a major buzz word in the world of self help. It’s one of those words that we’ve probably heard, knowing that we’re “suppose to” have them, but what are good boundaries really?
We’re told to have boundaries, but how to you get them?
Having boundaries is a topic that comes up in some way, shape or form with every client that comes my way. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our ability to have healthy boundaries correlates with how happy and fulfilled we will feel in our relationships and, ultimately, our lives.
Wherever you are in your relationship with boundaries, I’m going to speak a bit about the topic because I feel it’s a game changer to live a life where your boundaries are clear and strong.
As you increase your boundaries you’ll, consequently, up level your overall feeling of happiness and decrease your stress load. This is so because the side effect of having no boundaries leaves us in a consistent rhythm of running around trying to please others while denying our needs. With that said, we each have our own unique relationship with boundaries and it will benefit us to have more knowing around this hot topic.
So, lets get right to it and start evaluating where we are in terms of our relationship with boundaries.
What Exactly Are Boundaries?
Boundaries represent our ability to honor our needs and wants regardless of others expectations of us. Simply put, it’s saying “No” when someone wants us to say “Yes.” It’s drawing a line when we feel like our healthy needs and wants are being ignored or compromised by another’s request.
How Do We Show Up When We Don’t Have Boundaries?
In short; not good, but since that’s not a helpful-slash-professional answer, let me go further.
We people please
We self sacrifice
We look to please others more than pleasing ourselves
We quickly ditch our needs to tend to others needs
We say “Yes” when we actually mean “No”
We take responsibility for what’s not ours
We are Passive Aggressive (Because we are doing things we don’t really want to do)
So, with that said……
Why Don’t We Have Boundaries?
Meaning, why in the world would we do this to ourselves? Why would we actively choose to run around pleasing everyone but ourselves? Honoring others needs at the expense of denying or rejecting ours?
Why Would We Do This!?
There’s lots of reasons why we might be struggling to have clear boundaries within our lives and relationships. Sometimes it’s because we hate conflict and are scared to say “No.” Sometimes it’s because we never learned about boundaries within our family of origins and got thrown out into the world trying to understand why we often get “taken advantage of” or “walked over.”
Side note: Those of us with none or weak boundaries will be a victim of these behaviors.
Let me make a statement that’s so important to remember, perhaps it can be your new mantra….
Repeat after me:
People respect people who respect themselves.
The reality is, even though we will feel uncomfortable laying down boundaries for ourselves, especially if we haven’t done so in the past, clear and consistent boundaries will improve our lives. Straight up. People might not like our boundaries, but they will respect us more for putting them up. Why? Because having boundaries is telling the world that we honor ourselves.
It’s saying:
“Yo, I care about me and I’m going to say no when something doesn’t feel right because I honor myself.”
Whether the person on the receiving end agrees with your boundaries or not, should not be your point of focus. A healthy point of focus when implementing boundaries is to anchor on the fact that you’re making a self serving choice that’s communicating to others how much you care about you. (Most importantly, it’s communicating to YOU that you care about you.) This, in turn, will teach others how to treat you, as that’s what we’re always doing via our actions. (Whether we’re conscious of it or not.)
Which leads to the second mantra I have for you:
I’m teaching others how to treat me by how I’m treating myself.
Great! So now that we have awareness around what boundaries are and how important it is to cultivate them, below is a list of 5 tips on how to start acquiring boundaries. These can be helpful regardless of where you are within your unique process of boundary setting.
How Do You Get Boundaries If You Have None? (5 Tips)
1. Get In Tune With What You Need
HOW: Taking time for yourself will increase the volume on your inner, intuitive self. As the noise decreases and we give ourselves time and space, we often can come to a place of greater clarity. This clarity will help us to see new perspectives and, ultimately, lead us to grow.
2. Honor Your Needs by Taking Positive Action
HOW: Little choice by little choice is how big change occurs. If you commit to taking small actions consistently, you will notice an overall shift in your life.
3. Watch Overdoing Yourself and the Over Compensation Of Your Time and Energy
HOW: Look for the virtue of reciprocation within your relationships. Healthy relationships have an organic balance to them. It’s not “tit for tat,” it’s just a flow. Watch your old patterns of over giving and eliminate subjecting yourself from taking on more than you can handle. BALANCE is your focal point with this one.
4. Find Coping for the Guilt & Discomfort That Arises As You Honor Your Boundaries
HOW: Remind yourself that establishing and holding your boundaries is how you respect yourself. In the long run, leading with this way of functioning will produce a more positive outcome. (In the short term, it may be gut wrenchingly hard, but please hang in there) Having boundaries is a win/win. As the guilt and discomfort appears with saying “No,” practice sitting with this emotion by allowing it to be there. (Hey guilt, what’s up?) It sounds simple, but it’s a practice that will take some time. As you put attention to this practice, over time, the guilty feelings will weaken and you’ll be able to make healthy choices without so much discomfort.
5. Get Used To Taking Up Space
HOW: Watch your ability to over apologize. Be mindful of your habit of comparing yourself to others with the false story that someone is “better” than you. So untrue my friend. Practice being in a room with an open heart and standing rooted in who you are. Allow your voice to be heard and your words to be expressed. Take up some dang space please. Know that you’re worthy of it.
There can be some relationships that we find more challenging to hold our boundaries with than others. This is common. The truth is that some relationships are going to fall away as we set a healthy framework for ourselves. This can be really hard, although, hang in there because any relationship that prefers you to constantly “do” for them is not a relationship that is going to build you up. Boundaries shine the truth on relationships. The truth can hurt, although it’s better to see it than pretend and deny reality.
People that care about us are going to understand and respect our boundaries/ They may not like them, but they’ll understand and adjust accordingly.
I’m going to say that again: The people who genuinely love us are going to be able to adjust to our new and healthy boundaries. The relationships that aren’t willing to meet you half way will fall away. Trust this process.
Gaining and implementing boundaries within your life is a skill set that will forever benefit you. Honor yourself in this life by having clarity around what your boundaries are and having the courage to stand strong beside them.
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, lifestyle & wedding Photographer.
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