Coping with Romantic Rejection: Tips to Help You Move Forward
I can sit here and say all the cliche things that we’re often told when it comes to facing rejection.
“They don’t deserve you.”
“It’s not meant to be.”
“You can do better.”
These could all be very well true. They could provide you with positive perspective to move forward in a healthy way.
However, sometimes, we might need more than just a quick one liner to start the healing process. Moving forward can especially be difficult when the rejection feels deep rooted and is clouding your ability to see yourself clearly & in a healthy light.
When it comes to romantic love; this type of rejection tends to be the most intense because it can feel so personal and seep into the parts of us that are very raw and unexposed.
This is so because being involved with another on a romantic level is one of the most vulnerable of all relationships.
Since rejection can feel so personal, that’s actually where the danger lies. Making and taking rejection personally is where the divide between our sense of self worth and what is external opinion and noise can become blurred, chipping away at our sense of self.
I’m going to say it one more time so you can really hear it:
Making ANYTHING too personal is what will slowly corrode our sense of self. As our sense of self becomes compromised; our joy will begin to lessen and our lives will become less fulfilling.
gaining perspective
The truth is that nothing is 100% personal to you, even though it can feel so. Especially the rejection that results from a romantic relationship ending or never getting the momentum to begin.
We’re all so multi faceted, coming forth with our own history that has shaped the way we perceive the world. What’s “right” for one could be “wrong” for another and vice versa. This is why having discernment and perspective when it comes to somebody’s opinion or response to you (an opinion of someone that might not even know you well) is important to learn to do. It’s an invaluable skill.
to say it straight:
Don’t confuse your self worth with somebody’s preference.
What I’m about to say is not going to be popular, but it’s truthful.
The reality is that not everyone is going to prefer what we have to offer. Our value is not going to be something that everyone can see (for reasons beyond us.) This is not a fault of yours. It just is. Work on not mentally digging too deep into this, for it’s a dangerous rabbit hole to spin out in.
The trick is accepting this truth; the truth that we’re not going to be for everyone.
As we begin to digest and accept this truth; it will becomes a bit more bearable to sustain rejection when it, ultimately, makes it’s way into our life.
Acceptance is not easy; but it’s our way out of the mind maze of doubting and rejecting our own self.
Let me remind you that someone passing on you is not because there’s anything wrong with you. Not being a fit for another does not mean that you should change something about yourself to fit into their ideal. It just means that you’re a better fit for something or someone else.
Any such action to change yourself in order to win someone over would be a form of self abandonment.
The thing is, when we allow what’s not for us to go on it’s merry way, we then leave the space for the people and opportunities that are for us to appear. There’s an interesting way that the concept of flow can work in our lives when we’re able to allow, let go and move forward with less resistance.
As we view rejection as redirection it will prevent us from sitting too long in our self defeating feelings. Rejection hurts. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to take away from that truth. However the perspective and mindset that we lock into when something or someone walks away from us is what will dictate everything that follows.
Rejection brings an opportunity for potential change & growth
I will also say this; sometimes rejection presents us with an opportunity for self reflection and growth. It’s an opportunity for us to reflect on any way of being that’s not serving us and our life. Rejection can point us toward our unhealthy ways and behaviors that we might want to adjust for ourselves.
This adjustment is not because “it” (our character, our actions, our way) didn’t work for them; it’s because our actions, attitude or behavior doesn’t work for us.
Nobody that’s for you is going to have a fundamental problem with who you are as a person; which is your authentic character. They could have issues with your behavior or actions, which you can decide you want to change for yourself, but they won’t reject your authentic truth & character.
Be brave and strong enough in this life to stay true to what’s authentic to you. If you don’t take this stand for yourself, nobody will take it for you. It will be more difficult for you to find others who can see you clearly if you don’t own and stand up for who you are.
When it comes down to it, the intensity in which we we feel rejection usually aligns with the lack of acceptance that we have for ourselves. As we learn to hone more self acceptance, our ability to move on with more ease from rejection will gain momentum.
When rejection visits please remember that it’s a result of you stepping outside your comfort zone and putting yourself “out there.” Rejection usually happens the most to those of us who are living a life that’s pushing limits; a person whom is striving for living big. This is something to be proud of yourself for; It’s brave. It takes courage to live outside the bounds of your comfort zone. Acknowledge yourself for that.
How to Work Through the Discomfort that Rejection Brings
Feeling emotions that are uncomfortable is a hard thing to do; so much so that avoiding such feelings are the basis of many mental health issues. Find my youtube video on how to process and work through your hard emotions HERE.
Final Tips
don’t take rejection personally
keep the focus on protecting your sense of self and self respect (always)
keep your focus on yourself by refraining from making assumptions and stories up about the other (why they left, what they might think, etc)
process and feel your hurt feelings while keeping your aim on moving forward
choose to see life as a journey filled with experiences that help you learn and grow; some of which are challenging and bring up hard feelings.
realize that everyone, regardless of how they look, what they’ve achieved or how much they are desired, get & feel rejection as well. We will all face rejection at one time or another in life; or multiple times; it really depends on how courageous we are to put ourselves “out there.”
*Above image is by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Wishing for you to see yourself in a light that serves you and helps you to cope with the hard parts of life with more clarity. Thanks for being here with me.
-kim
How to Get Over Your Ex
Here’s some answers in a Q & A format that speaks to how to get over a break up in the most sound and healthy way possible. Let’s just get right into it; shall we?
Is it supposed to feel so “hard” to get over a break up?
There's a range of intensity of how “hard” it could feel and be for someone to move past a breakup. There's so many factors involved; how healthy the relationship was, how intense the relationship was and if there was any enmeshment. Factors such as what attachment style you have, if there were codependent dynamics within the connection; These are some of the things that can make moving on from a breakup more difficult and emotionally layered.
How do I cope with still being “in love” with my ex; Is that normal?
It’s less about judging if it’s so called "normal" to feel that you’re in love with your ex still and it's more about accepting that you feel the way you feel. Whether you’re still in love with your ex partner doesn’t need your brain time; what does need your mental energy is your healing process.
Here’s the situation: You’re currently broken up with your ex. I rather you work toward accepting the current reality of your situation because that’s your gateway toward your healing, no matter how you feel about your break up. Judging your emotions does not allow them to be processed and slows down your healing. I don’t say that in a harsh way; I say that in a truthful, well intended way, so you can learn the skill of accepting and seeing the truth. We can't heal from a truth that we’re also trying to deny or avoid. Accepting the whole cohesive truth around your breakup is what, ultimately, will help you move on in a more healthy way.
That, my friends, is a long winded way of saying: Yes, it is normal to have strong lingering, loving feelings toward an ex. It be very well be your normal, so please do not judge yourself and your process. The non judgement in itself will help you move along with your healing.
*Also if you’re looking to gain more understanding about unrequited love and how to cope, feel free to read HERE.
5 Tips for Getting Over Your Ex
1. Practice Healthy & Balanced Self Care: get good sleep, move your body daily, eat well, (if you drink) be mindful of your intake of alcohol to numb or distract.
2. Allow space for your difficult emotions to be felt, processed and grieved. I have a whole blog post on this topic all ready dialed for you. Read it here: How To Feel Your Emotions)
3. Watch any desire to distract yourself from feeling and ignoring the pain of the breakup; be intentional about your over consumption of anything; too much time with friends, too much Netflix, too much social media, etc. Be aware of anything that you might reach for to distract yourself from feeling your emotions; dating a new person right away, overly scheduling your time to avoid being with your own thoughts, the list goes on.
4. Be intentional about focusing on yourself vs. ruminating about your ex. What is ruminating? Great question for those of you who are unfamiliar with the term. Ruminating is repetitive thinking or dwelling on situations that cause negative feelings in which you keep turning around and around in your head, leading to more and more distress. It’s a really torturous inward place to be. It causes a lot of mental & emotional suffering.
It can be really easy to get hyper focused on your ex partner during a break up, especially when there is any sense of confusion of why it did end. (what are they doing? Who are they hanging out with? Are they sad? Do they miss me? Are they going to move on before me?) If this sounds like your mind; please just stop my dear reader. Just stop because all these thoughts are going to do is make you more and more focused on ways of thinking that are going to led you down a unhealthy thought patterned road. Continued analyzing moments from the past after you have already done your due diligence to get some answers and closure is counter productive for your mental wellness. Do your best to bring yourself back to center by refocusing your energy on yourself and the present moment.
How to do this: When and if you notice your attention continually going toward mind reading about your ex or the relationship and being stuck in "what if" statements; practice guiding yourself back into the present moment.
I know, easier said than done; especially if you have a habit of ruminating and overly focusing on others prior to the breakup. With practice you can get there; just keep recentering yourself back to you.
5. Refrain from judging your feelings and instead, work toward allowing them. I mentioned this in the beginning of this post briefly and it’s such an important point to take in. Don’t pick your emotions apart or make a false timeline of when you think you “should be” done with your grief. Getting over a breakup is about allowing and surrendering to the process that you need to go through in order to heal in a healthy way. We’re not supposed to control that process. We are meant to allow the process. Being intentional about allowing your difficult feelings without your judgement and control will help you to heal.
4 Signs that you're moving forward from your breakup
1. Being able to focus on yourself; your wants, desires and future.
2. Feeling lighter about it all; the heaviness of the breakup begins to dissipate.
3. Regaining a sense of hope about the future.
4. Noticing that there is more ease around your emotional energy going toward healthy, self serving things vs ruminating about the past (the break up, your ex.)
How do you get over an ex you still love?
First off, if this is your current reality, this is a really heart breaking place to be. (my heart sends you much empathy & love; truly) Break ups are hard enough and it just makes it more thick when your loving feelings are still present after the fact.
In short; the answer is that with time things will change because that’s what time does.
In a world where we want fast results and shortcuts to mostly everything, we cannot speed up the process that our emotions need to go through when it comes to matters of the heart. Allowing yourself to accept that strong feelings are still present is a great first step.
Being able to admit that, I am heart broken / I am still in love with my ex / I am devastated that this is over, are really brave, honest and vulnerable things for you to come to terms with and admit. Most importantly to yourself. Being able to sit with the truth; the truth that you love someone who you are no longer with is what needs to be accepted and processed so the emotions can settle and eventually, in your own time, can lift.
How do you stop obsessing over an ex?
Realizing that the obsessive thoughts and inability for you to focus on yourself, is probably more of “the root issue” than the break up itself. Putting all of your emotional energy on another and the pattern of continual rumination and anxious, obsessive thoughts were probably going on, to some degree, prior to the break up. (I’m not saying I’m right on this; I’m just pointing you toward some inward introspection on any self sabotaging behaviors that might have been with you prior to this relationship.)
Serious obsessive thinking and out of control rumination could suggest that there was either some codependency or enmeshment within the relationship dynamic. Meaning; it's not all about this current loss (even though it feels like it is) it actually could be more pointing toward an unhealthy relationship with Self.
Obsessing over an ex is more of a sign that your coping skills and relationship with your authentic self needs some TLC. I always find myself telling clients going through a hard breakup that: "It's not about them (their ex)." Part of a continued disconnect from ourselves is making everything appear to be about something external. The true core work is when we learn to repair the relationship with ourselves. Increase our self love; do the repair work so we don't break into a million pieces when external things don't go as planned. Also, note to self; our inner peace, our happiness, it comes from within.It always will.
How long does it take to get over an ex?
There’s no correct timeframe to put on what an individual needs to look at inwardly in order to become healed & healthy after a break up. Often, how someone responds to a break up is pointing toward how emotionally and mentally healthy they were before the break up. A really intense response to a breakup usually is pointing to other core root issues that the individual is being called to reflect on.
How do you get over your ex fast?
It's a really unhealthy mindset to try to speed up or believe that you could speed up an emotional process that just needs it's own time. There’s no pill to take in order to make your emotions disappear. The only way out is through; and so is true with the processing of our feelings.
Here’s what you could do to help your healing process along: you could take the best care of yourself that you know how to, while eliminating any distractions that side track you from fully healing root issues.
In closing; be gentle with yourself. Give yourself some space to recover my friend. Much love.
*If you enjoyed this post check out my feature on this topic on the MINDBODYGREEN blog HERE.
additional resources for your healing:
DEALING WITH DEPRESSION AFTER YOUR BREAKUP / verywellmind
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO GET OVER A BREAKUP - IT DEPENDS / healthline
My YOUTUBE video on Why You Can't Get Over Your Ex
Reasons Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex? Words to Help You Understand Your Emotions Around a Break Up
When the heart and emotions are at stake a lot of our hidden and vulnerable emotions get triggered. This is so with break ups. Breaking up is hard. Straight up.
My intention for this particular blog is to help you settle some of the hard emotions that come along with a break up. The pain that a loss of a love connection can trigger can be so utterly uncomfortable. My hope is for these words to help ease some difficult feelings and provide you with some key insight so you can work through your emotions around your particular heart ache.
Below is a Q & A to some common questions that can come up when we’re working through our feelings around a past love.
What does it mean if I can’t get an ex out of my mind?
It means you invested yourself and your time. It means you cared. If you can't get an ex out of your mind, be careful about jumping into a story around what your emotions mean. For example, when you attach meanings such as, “I’m not over him/her” or “I’’ll never move on,” your feelings of discomfort and loss will be more intense. The story that we put to why we are feeling specific emotions is more the guiding factor in where our mind frame lies. Allow yourself to think of an ex if that’s what’s happening. Think about it and allow your feelings to process through. Allowing yourself to think about a past relationship vs. blacking it out of your mind will encourage and help you to move through your healing process.
4 Reasons Why You Could Still Be Thinking About Your Ex
1. Many times we're thinking of our ex because of our own unresolved issues that the breakup is triggering.
I see this so much with my clients struggling to cope with a break up. They become fixated on their ex. Instead of talking about themselves in their therapy session, they’re strictly talking about their ex. It’s always a red flag for me in the room when after an hour with a client I know much more about their ex then them. This usually points to some sort of a co-dependent dynamic within a relationship that was developed. Switching the focus of your energy back to YOU is a key step toward rediscovering your grounding and sense of self after a relationship ends.
2. We’re thinking about what could have been, rather than what actually was.
Whenever we’re seeing something through “rose colored glasses,” we’re not seeing the truth of the factual situation. The issue with this line of thinking is that it creates a false story about our past romance. We can begin to idealize our ex and start believing that "we blew" our chances. Putting our ex partner on a pedestal is a sure fire way to create more longing, pain and a false interpretation of what was. See it straight babes.
3. We’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s
Societal expectations can absolutely be playing into a more exaggerated feeling of loss when a relationship ends. As humans, we naturally tend to gravitate toward what others are doing. Therefore, if our social circle is filled with couples, we might think about our ex more out of loneliness vs. because our ex was the "right" match for us. It's important to do your best to ditch a timeline when it comes to love. Love shows up when it wants too. It shows up best when you’ve surrendered who it’s going to be, when it’s going to happen and how it's going to look.
4. You’re making it about them when it’s about you
How we deal with break ups and how we cope with our past has everything to do with our ability to let go and move forward in a healthy way. This can be a hard lesson for some of us. Realizing that people only have the amount of power over us that we give them can be a freeing way to think about past love connections. It happened, we learned, we loved. This is the process of life. Stay within your emotions and your process of working through a break up. Your feelings of loss and grief will be able to process through in a more flow state if you’re mindful to stay in your feelings not your ex’s.
Why can't we get an Ex out of our mind when it's been months or even years?
The relationships in our lives, especially impactful love connections, leave powerful impressions. Thinking about an ex doesn't mean anything negative unless you attach a meaning too it that doesn't serve you. For example, believing that it's "wrong" to think about a person whom you cared for and spent significant time with will increase your struggle to move forward.
To say it simply, learning to allow yourself to think of your ex is the exact way that you will think of them less.
Sort of counter intuitive, right? Let me explain. Famous psychologist, Carl Jung coined: “Whatever you resist persists.” When we convince ourselves that thinking about our ex means that we're not over them, we're creating a false story that’s keeping us stuck. Perhaps we’ll always think of an ex from time to time. Why is that negative? It doesn’t need to be. It’s only an issue if your mind creates it to be one. Remember that you control what your thoughts mean.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Hell yes it’s normal. It’s very normal to have feelings of longing for someone you shared intimate and quality time with.
The bottom line is: Do not judge your process. So many of us make up stories as to "what it means" when we have an emotion. Thinking about an ex is normal, especially when you're still processing the relationship through. Whether a relationship was positive or negative; it existed and happened. If we're healthy individuals, we’ll spend time working through our emotions around the broken relationship in order to heal and move on.
If you're thinking about your ex so much that you can't focus or move forward within your life, it’s important to do the self care and seek the appropriate level of help, which might mean professional, to assist you in processing your past break up.
What should you do when you can't get your ex out of your mind?
Look at other areas of your life that you can be avoiding and not tending too because you’re thinking about your ex. Sometimes we focus on our past in order to avoid the present.
Realize that if you're struggling with chronic thoughts of another, it's usually pointing more toward an imbalance within yourself.
If your excessive thoughts persist about an ex, it might be beneficial to seek professional assistance. If that's too expensive or not an option for you, they’re great podcasts, u tube channels, books and other forms of tools to help you process through your feelings about a past love that are totally free and accessible.
Should I get back together with an ex?
First things first; It takes two to tango, meaning both individuals have to have the same desire and want for reconnection. If both parties of a past relationship are feeling the desire to rekindle, given that this was a healthy past relationship, a first step toward reconnection would be to have a conversation. Where that conversation goes, nobody could script or predict. Allowing yourself to spend some time to be truthful with yourself around your consideration of rekindling a past flame is important. Make sure that your intentions are pure and your want to get back together is for the "right" reasons. Take your time to evaluate this. Realize that it's not all up to you to "make" a relationship happen. Things that are meant to be have a funny way of working out. Trust this, and most importantly, trust life.
*Image above was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Wedding & Lifestyle photographer