Resentment (How it's Wrecking Havoc in Your Relationships & Life)
“If you forgive every moment- allow it to be as it is- then there will be no accumulation of resentment that needs to be forgiven at some later time.”
-Eckhart Tolle, Power of Now
Easier said than done, I know, yet doing our best to work through feelings of ill will toward another will keep our minds and bodies clear of emotional residue.
Allowing our negative feelings to build up over time to the point where we’re holding grudges toward others and imprisoned in feelings of anger and resentment can have a severe and negative impact on our lives.
Resentment can change and taint us if left unaddressed. It’s the silent killer of relationships as passive aggressive comments and stewing negative emotions cause us to react in ways we’re not proud of while causing strain in our relationship world.
Resentment can cause us to see through distorted negative lenses, leading us to read others intentions inaccurately, which impacts us from deeply and authentically connecting.
Every time we stew in our frustrations, irritations and general negative emotions without resolve; we become more disconnected from the truth of who we are. As we get further away from our truth; we lose our ability to function in a healthy way and everything gets complicated from there.
To say it boldly and clearly, enough resentment will slowly kill your relationships and chip away at your self worth, essence and presence if it gets deep enough.
Let’s avoid this spiderweb effect; shall we? Let’s get into how to recognize, acknowledge & cope with resentment so we can remain healthy & well despite life’s challenges.
What Causes Resentment
Resentment can present any time when we feel like we’ve been wronged. This could look like being taken advantage of, not being treated with respect, or not feeling heard or validated.
Resentment can accumulate over little moments and comments that remain unaddressed and build up over time. It can also show up within a singular, defining event or situation where we feel undervalued, mistreated or dismissed.
examples of situations that can cause resentment
Feeling taken advantage of
Being dismissed, ignored, overlooked or devalued
Feeling disrespected
Having unrealistic expectations about others or the world
Maintaining relationships with people who consistently put their needs before yours (without consideration of your needs.)
Being around people who undermine your authority or ability
Signs You’re Carrying Resentment
Feeling anxiety, tense and discomfort when you’re around the person you believe treated you unjustly
Avoiding conflict or interaction with any persons attached to your feelings of resentment
Obsessive overthinking about the person, the incident or interaction that you hold resentment for
Talking negatively to others about the person you have resentment for
Ignoring, avoiding or not admitting the pain around the situation or person causing your resentful feelings.
Distancing yourself emotionally and physically from the person you feel resentment toward
Feelings Associated With Resentment
lethargy, sadness, depleted energy
Disappointment
Anger & frustration
Hostile, bitter or revengeful emotions
Fear
Blame or self-blame
shame or guilt
Feeling unworthy, or generally dismissed and undervalued
Regret
Using resentment to avoid dealing with a person or situation that we hold resentment for can come out in self sabotaging, sneaky ways. Here are some ways that we can use resentment to avoid dealing with conflict directly.
Resentment Can Be Used To:
Self Protect; protecting yourself from being vulnerable and “being hurt again”
To feel “in control”
Avoid addressing the inward and deeper rooted issues within yourself or with the other person
Avoid difficult conversations and potential conflict
Avoid self responsibility
Avoid dealing with the situation
Key Steps to Address Resentment
If you are not a newbie to the world of self development, then you’re familiar with the saying that “awareness is key.” Having the awareness that what you are experiencing is, in fact, resentment, can direct you toward how to work through it.
key steps toward working through resentment
Identify the root cause
Self reflect on the situation that triggered your resentment and work toward understanding what specifically caused you to feel this way.Acknowledge & allow yourself to feel your emotions
Avoiding feeling difficult emotions is how they can build up and, potentially, turn into a mound of resentment. Don't suppress your feelings. Accept that you’re feeling resentful and allow yourself to experience those emotions fully in order for them to be processed and pass.(more on how to feel difficult emotions here.)
See it from a different angle
Having an open mind is one of the most beneficial tools that you can cultivate. Being open minded allows you to consider life from different perspectives. This will help you move through difficult situations with an ability to heal and move forward without latching onto unhealthy coping mechanisms or negative perspectives. Always ask yourself if you can try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This question can help remove any blind spots or offer a different way of seeing a situation that can potentially change your feelings around it.
Remember that you don’t have to agree with someone to dissolve conflict and move forward.
Forgive
Practicing forgiveness of yourself and forgiveness for others is a practice. Forgiveness always, first and foremost, is for you. I know that this is counter intuitive to some, however, releasing yourself from resentment, revengeful and hateful feelings is, ultimately, for you my friend. Although it might be hard to let go of resentment, finding a perspective or lesson in the pain is how you can move toward acceptance. Eventually and in due time, making peace with what happened will increase your sense of general well-being.
Communicate respectfully, directly and openly
It’s amazing what some of us will do to avoid talking about the problem with the person who we have a problem with.We will spend hours thinking about it, stewing on it, talking to others about it; all actions that can actually brew more resentment. Save hours, months and years from your life by learning about Healthy conflict resolution. Knowing how to address conflict is a key life tool that will benefit you and all of your relationships greatly.
Establish boundaries
Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries when it comes to yourself, your relationships and how you live your life is a game changer. Sometimes we hold resentment toward others because they took advantage of the fact that we didn’t have good boundaries ourselves.We can spend countless hours pointing the finger at them; or we can look to ourselves and what we can control, which is tightening up our ability to have healthy boundaries.
*Note to self- It’s important to be respectful of ourselves in order to get the respect that we desire from others.
Focus on the now
Nothing good will ever come from dwelling on the past. Usually, an inability to get your mind out of the past is a sign that your current life situation is underwhelming you. Work on shifting your focus to positive aspects of your life now or start making small changes to help move your life forward.Lead with self compassion. Being resentful as a coping mechanism is not a healthy, long term solution. Holding onto external resentment gets in the way of you having a loving and healthy relationship with yourself. What we put “out there” in this world will always be reflected back to us in some way, shape or form. Having a loving relationship with ourself and leading with that will help us work through and dissolve our resentful emotions.
As with all self development topics; everything is connected. This is why I like to focus on whole body wellness. Resentment not only lives in the mind, it also manifests into physical symptoms overtime within the body.
I’ve seen resentment manifest into chronic illness. I’ve seen it destroy relationships. I’ve seen it kill hope.
My hope is for this post to strategically guide you through some actionable steps to address any negative, deep rooted and painful feelings that you may not know how to cope with so you can healthfully move on.
Thank you for being here. One step at a time. Change often involves doing something small and different, day after day. If you don’t know where to aim; focus on little shifts-one micro shift of change at a time.
An Invitation For You
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*Above image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Chronic Anger (tips to cope)
Feeling angry every once in awhile is apart of the human experience. However, when anger becomes chronic and effects your relationships and feelings about yourself, that’s when it’s time to look inward. Introspection around why you might be chronically angry can help you unpack what’s going on for you and offer you the chance to gain better coping skills.
I’ve set up this post in a Q & A format to speak to some general questions about why you might be struggling with anger that’s chronic.
What are some reasons why someone might feel angry all the time?
When anger is chronic that often points to an inability to cope with anger in a healthy way generally speaking. (I know this can be obvious, hear me out.) When events occur that trigger an angry response, but anger is something that you’re in the habit of repressing, that’s when emotional residue will build up. When emotions are repressed or not worked through in a healthy manner, overtime that can lead to chronic anger.
Also, a lot of us have a false conception that "being angry" is negative. This causes us further more to hide or not allow anger to be expressed. The truth is that anger is an emotion that needs to be felt. It’s a normal, human emotion.
Anger is tremendously important to pay attention to because it allows us to be aware of when our boundaries are being compromised or crossed. For example, a healthy person will naturally and instinctually get angered when being pushed physically or emotionally in an aggressive or unhealthy way. Anger is meant to trigger our internal alarm system so we can self protect. It’s a very valuable emotion to pay attention to.
Anger becomes negative when the way that we cope with being angry is damaging to ourselves and our relationships.
What mental health conditions might cause persistent feelings of anger?
Anxiety (which is a symptom of focusing on the future) can nurture persistent feelings of anger due to constant worrying and thinking about events that trigger angry feelings. Depression (which is a symptom of dwelling in the past) can allow events from the past to remain “stuck,” which creates "unhealthy residue" within.
Whatever we "suppress" causes depression. A consistent suppression of angry feelings leads to a depressive state overtime. When we continue to dwell on past events that bring up anger without processing the anger in a healthy way, we will not be able to "let go" of the unprocessed angry emotions and, therefore, they will continue to fester within.
What are the consequences of uncontrolled anger on relationships?
Uncontrolled anger will cause major disruption in relationships. When anger is not dealt with constructively, it’s often the reason why a relationship will end in a destructive and negative way. Resentment is what is built overtime when anger is not properly expressed and handled. Passive aggressive behaviors can present as symptoms of pent up anger.
When the event doesn’t match the reaction, that’s a good measure to identify if your anger is stemming from past events and resentments. (EX: “crying over spilled milk.”) Look for “over reactions.” This kind of reaction is often pointing to pent up feelings that have not been processed properly, if at all.
Unhealthy verbal tones, fueled negative comments and aggressive physical reactions all point toward symptoms of anger that’s not being dealt with in a productive way. These ways of being do not allow for healthy communication nor relationships to be healthy and safe.
The ultimate consequence of improperly dealing with chronic anger is damaging your relationships to the point of no return.
Is venting important to cope with anger?
Yes, venting in a healthy way allows emotions to be released. Talking about how you feel in a way where you’re allowing your emotions to be heard and processed is important.
There’s also a fine line between venting in a healthy way and "emotionally dumping" on another, which is unhealthy and draining. Healthy venting entails a person being authentic about how something made them feel. Healthy venting is not complaining. Rather, it's looking at a situation at face value, owning your part and being real with yourself about the feelings that are coming up for you. Speaking about what bothers you in a productive way, allows the space for healthy perspective around the situation so you can move forward and deal with the situation in an emotionally mature, calm manner. Healthy venting is the process that allows you to feel your feelings so they can be processed, worked through and, ultimately, peacefully laid to rest.
5 actionable ways to cope with feelings of anger / There are healthy ways to manage your anger. Here are 5 quick tips:
1 Remind yourself that anger is not negative. It's a natural human emotion. Allow it. It's more about how you deal with and react to feeling anger that’s the potential problem, not anger itself.
2 Allow yourself the time and space that you need to feel your angry emotions so you don't react in an impulsive & unhealthy way. A good rule of thumb: Take some space and time in order to allow your anger to process before you respond.
3 Learn to communicate and express yourself in a way where you honor your feelings so they are expressed and released. Also, the better the communication, the higher chance for the other party to understand your point of view, which can lead to better results in terms of conflict resolution.
4 Be intentional about your self care practices. Think HALT: Meaning, check in with your emotional state. Be mindful if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? (HALT, meaning slow your roll, stop, pause and take some time to regroup before you react or proceed.)
If you’re any one of these 4 emotions, your reaction to feeling angered will have an extra charge. (Meaning, it will be more difficult to keep your cool because your system is off. )
Having a consistent and healthy lifestyle is huge. It sounds so basic, but it’s 100% necessary in order to be a happy, well functioning person. It’s often the small stuff, that overtime, can make a huge difference to our functioning. Check in with your eating and sleeping habits, alcohol intake and work/life balance. If these areas are “off” it could absolutely be adding to your chronic feelings of anger.
5 Do some introspection and journaling around events from the past that might be triggering chronic anger. Take some time to sit still with yourself and practice some "radical honesty” in terms of what events still have some emotional charge that need to be cleared out. This is vulnerable and takes courage. Look for any unresolved issues that are festering within. Here’s where you might decide that you need more professional help if you feel like your resentment(s) from past events are getting in the way of your functioning and happiness. Here’s an article on How to find the right mental health professional for you.
In wrapping this up, here’s what I want you to know: You could gain a healthy relationship with anger. It’s beyond possible. With intention, practice and the want to shift, it’s only a matter of time that your reaction to angry feelings can change for the better.
*Above image was taken @villapalomajoshuatree by Photographer, Renata Amazonas.