When You Can't Move On (How to Begin to Move Forward & Heal)
Letting go of a certain someone, a dream unborn or the path we didn’t choose is a necessary step in order for us to fully move on to the next chapter.
Clearing any sort of unresolved emotions of the past, such as regret, and finding more resolve around what was or what could have been will help us be able to put our focus and energy toward what could be.
Finding peace around “what is” based on what happened in our past or what never had a chance to work out is what some of us have to figure out how to do in order to move forward. Quieting any regret and coming to a more neutral and accepting place around our past is what will help us to let go.
for some of us; this can feel like an impossible thing to do.
a reminder:
Letting go doesn’t mean that we need to like what happened; however, it does mean that we need to find a way to accept what happened.….eventually; in due time.
Letting go is something that we’ll have to do time and time again in this life. Of both little and big things. Letting go is a skill and it’s a skill that you can acquire.
It’s the skill that will, ultimately, help you move forward and move on.
Personally; I’m continually working on letting go. Learning how to do so has been one of my biggest lessons in this life thus far: how do i let go of him? what didn’t happen for me? the fear of what’s to come?
Can you relate?
The hard part in letting go is when we find ourselves struggling to accept a truth that can feel unbearable, a truth that’s unwanted, hard to swallow and presently indigestible.
how does one do that? how do you accept something that you can’t face?
the first thing we have to do is begin to start facing what feels so hard and go toward where there’s tons of resistance. (Yes, very hard to do, yet it’s the way out.)
We hear it all the time; go toward your fear; face your fear. Hard, yet true.
what do we do when we have no energy to make any move at all toward positive change because: it’s. just. too. hard?
I know in my darkest of days, while clinging to my past, any suggestion toward change or trying something different is met with major resistance. My resistance rejects change. Any helpful suggestions are shut down hard and fast. My stuck mindset creates a “no way out” situation, which leads to me feeling hopeless.
The longer I remain in my resistance and stuck mindset the bigger “the beast” gets. My resistance plays victim in believing that “nobody gets it,” and “nobody can relate.” All of these rigid and negative beliefs perpetuate my feelings of isolation and loneliness; and so it goes.
The cycle will keep going around and around like this if I don’t do anything to shift toward the light. So, how do I shift toward the light?
How does one put a stop to any cycle of mental madness? suffering? the pain of a self imposed prison?
Here’s what i know, which is sometimes a frustrating & hard truth:
I’m the one who needs to make the choice to change.
I’m the only one who can start moving toward a different perspective, practice different thoughts and make different decisions throughout my day. Nobody is going to do it for me. If I want a different feeling state; I have to pick different thoughts. Little by little, different thoughts will help to get my mind / body / soul back into a healthier space in order to do the positive actions that I need to do to get myself out of the dark.
Easier said than done; I know. Bare with me as we now discuss actionable steps to help you toward your light.
To begin this positive shift forward; we first have to address our ability to be vulnerable.
why vulnerability?
Our ability to be vulnerable, feel the discomfort and the pain and allow others that we trust and love to support us through to the other side is an important first step in reconnecting back to our source energy; our authenticity.
The point of this step toward vulnerability is to reconnect us back to a healthy support system. Whether that’s reconnecting with a past support system or reinventing a new one; connecting with good, healthy minded people is a foundational peace to start your new chapter. We all need a community of people to help us through in this life. As the story goes; “it takes a village;” nobody can do this (life) alone successfully.
*Don’t have that community yet? That’s okay; becoming more vulnerable will allow you to attract the “right” people to you. Allowing you to begin to build key relationships to help you expand and grow.
The way forward
How do we move forward when we don’t know how to accept our past?
How do we let go of the regret or pain we carry from painful events, missed opportunities and lost connections?
truth:
Until we find inner peace around what has already been written; we will feel & be unable to fully let go of what happened in the past; leaving us unable to move on. Working through and allowing ourselves to feel the grief of the buried pain and eliminating the rumination of what was or what didn’t happened for us is the self reflective & inner work that will release us from the past.
5 reasons why you can’t move on
1. Waiting for the Grass to Be Greener
You’re holding off on doing things that would be positive for you to do until you “feel better.” When we’re struggling with moving forward; we tend to struggle emotionally and mentally with factors such as low self worth, depressive symptoms, low energy, low mood, feelings of hopelessness and indecision. As we all know, it’s really challenging to do self serving things when we’re feeling so depleted of life energy. This keeps us in a negative loop of staying in our ground hogs day routine that perpetuates our stagnant reality.
2. Consistent & Loud Self Judgement
We all have an inner voice that’s talking to us all day long. The quality, tone and message of that voice is what’s determining the reality of our lives in so many respects. Having a fixed timeline around where we think we should be in life and should have done in our lives thus far can be keeping us majorly stuck and in anxiety.
It can take a lot of work (depending on where you’re from, where you live and what the messages of those around you are) to find peace around your current reality. It can be all too easy to get caught in the comparison game with the chronic available exposure of everybody’s life. (the scrolling of the highlight reel can really get to us.)
Simple point being that critical self judgement will strip us of joy.
3. Holding onto the Past via Rumination
One main reasons why we feel unable to let the past go is because we’re stuck in “trying to figure out why” what happened; happened.
It’s crazy making. We can spend countless hours running through situations, again and again, hoping for some kind of clue that will help us find “the answers.” This quest for a particular “answer“ leaves us more intangled in the past. It leaves us further engulfed in what was. Directing our energy to what was instead of what could be is how we remain severely stuck.
what is rumination?
Rumination is a repetitive thought process that involves dwelling on negative feelings, distress, and their causes and consequences. It’s a dangerous loop because often in life we will never be able to “figure out” why things have happened and occurred as they did because sometimes things just don’t make sense.
sometimes, actually often, there’s no particular answer; it just is what it is. This leaves the want to “figure it out” a never ending, unhealthy trap toward major pain and suffering.
Also, there’s often other people’s actions and synergy at play that we cannot decode. It’s not ours. We will never be able to enter the ethers of another’s mind in order to figure out why they chose to say, do or react how they did.
Hear me: when you stop trying to do this; you will find freedom.
Needless to say; rumination and overly thinking about a situation to death is a trap toward unhappiness.
4. Your Self Defeating Story
Oh, the narratives that we hold and tell ourselves on the daily. When I say "narrative,” I’m referring to our story (for worse or better) that we believe to be true about ourselves, the world or a situation.
5. Lacking Positive Belief in Something Bigger
Believing in something bigger and trusting that we’re being supported by something beyond us, helps us to be and remain hopeful.
When we don’t have something bigger for us to believe in, lessening our resistance toward change and, ultimately, letting go is hard to do.
How can we move forward if we don’t have hope?
5 ways to begin healing, move forward & let go
1. Create greener grass now In truth; the grass will get greener as we take the small steps toward doing things differently, now. As we’ve all heard, change is often slow and happens over time. Taking the pressure off of yourself to wait for the right moment when you “feel better” or have more energy might never come around until you take a positive step to give you that in which your waiting for.
The time is now; think about a small step toward different action that you can take today. It doesn’t matter how small it is; I just encourage you to do something different.
2. Work on eliminating self judgement through mindfulness practices, meditation and core personal work
Often, we have to look toward healthy and consistent wellness practices to bring into our lifestyle to get us back to a good rhythm. Just as we couldn’t be physically in shape if we never worked out and engaged in activities to allow our body to be fit; the same is true for our mental wellness muscles.
Find a wellness medium that works for you to engage consistently in and grow & learn from. It could be a podcast, book, deep breathing techniques, meditation, going to therapy, etc. Explore ways that you can work on functioning with less judgement of both yourself and others.
3. Address Your Negative Habit of Rumination
As mentioned above; our habit of rumination is keeping us stuck on the past. In order to move on; learning to redirect and guide your mind toward self serving thoughts rather than obsessing and highly focusing on thoughts that create distress, anxiety and fear is required.
Start with becoming more aware of when you ruminate. Bring in breathe work techniques such as box breathing to help calm your parasympathetic nervous system and help you achieve greater presence.
*If your over thinking and rumination is severe; it might be a good idea to get support from a licensed mental health professional. Find an article to support your search for the right therapist for you HERE.
4. Eliminate Unhealthy Narratives
Breaking down the narrative(s) that are keeping you stuck in the past and holding you in a purgatory state of life is essential toward moving on.
Combat your false stories of what you believe to be true with fact.
Allow yourself a way out of your self sabotaging stories and resistance by focusing on facts; not your negative false fearful stories or self fulfilling prophecies.
To shift, begin to engage with thoughts that allow you to have “a way out.” Pay attention to how your thoughts make you feel in your body / mind. When a thought feels bad, learn to pay attention and guide yourself to a better feeling thought. Do this practice with intention and awareness. Practice it daily and with time you will notice a difference in your overall feeling state.
5. Trust in Something Bigger Than You
Maybe “something bigger” for you is a religion, a spiritual belief system, the universe, a specific God. Whatever it may be; find something beyond you to ground in and believe in. Having positive belief and faith is a comforting & needed way of thinking in order to move forward. Especially when you’re stuck with no direction on how to proceed forward; hope is mandatory in order to take chances and remain healthy minded.
Also too; don’t forget about the concept of divine timing:
“Divine timing is the idea that everything happens at the right moment; even if it's not what you want or expect. It can manifest as a meaningful coincidence, gut feeling, or challenging obstacle. Divine timing can also be a way for the universe to look out for you, helping you avoid pitfalls or take advantage of opportunities.”
I hope that you feel supported and have some sort of idea for a way out of any unhealthy mindset that’s holding you back from moving on to more fulfilling times.
Looking for more?
*find a similar article on the topic of longing HERE
*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.
What Overthinking Does To Your Life (And How To Stop)
“A mind too active is no mind at all.” -Theodore Roethke
Although overthinking is something many of us do, it’s important to be aware of the negative impact it can have on our lives that can get swept under the rug and normalized.
Overthinking can feel like torture and, if chronic, can chip away at the quality of our lives. It can numb out joy and make us feel incredibly alone. It can create strain in our relationships or even cause them to destruct depending on the degree of our overthinking and assuming ways.
When overthinking becomes excessive, it’s often a consequence of being overly criticized as a child. Over thinking is a trauma response of having to analyze the environments and behaviors of others in order to feel accepted, keep the peace and feel comfortable as a child. Healing begins when we can acknowledge this inner child part of ourselves that is still on high alert in a continued attempt to feel safe. Healing occurs when we address this behavior of overthinking and do the work to attune the emotions that are causing our need to be hyper aware and overly vigilant.
What I’m going to do in this post is offer some insight and perspectives to help you become more aware of your over analyzing ways so you can heal these destructive thinking habits and work toward becoming more peaceful and present.
I specifically use the word “present” because “being present’ is on the opposite spectrum of overthinking. When we’re “in our heads” (overthinking) we’re absolutely not present. One main tool to combat overthinking is to find ways that help us to BE in the moment. This post is for you to discover and create ways to do just that.
Let’s jump right in and discuss 4 symptoms of overthinking.
1. You Feel Less Joy
When you’re overthinking you’re not in the present moment. This is based on the mere fact that you can’t be in two places at once. If you find yourself consistently forgetful about details of your environment and the people in it, chances are that you’re preoccupied with the world going on in your mind. If your goal is to be happy what I can tell you with 100% confidence is that you will not find happiness by overthinking. On the contrary, a racing mind repels happiness.
Here’s what else is important for you to know. Overthinking is a bad habit and habits can be changed. I know several people who I’ve worked with that believed that there was nothing that they could do about their overthinking because it “is just the way they are”
Not true, my friend.
You are not your overthinking. It’s not in control of you. (Unless you allow it to be.) It’s actually the opposite: Overthinking is a habit that you can get a handle on and as you do your life will change for the better.
2. Your Relationships Are Feeling Disconnected
Have you ever spent time with someone who was clearly not present?
It can be incredibly frustrating to be with someone whose truly not with you because they’re caught in the intricacies of their mind.
When you’re out and about in life and spending time within your relationships, but not really “there,” the level of connection, presence, bonding, authenticity and overall joy is compromised.
A healthy relationship requires two people to show up fully in order to play and engage with each other. This is merely impossible when one party (or both) is not present.
I understand that we’re not perfect beings and sometimes we might have a day when our mind is in LA LA land (normal.) However, if “checked out” becomes a consistent state, there’s more to look at here. Your relationships will be at stake if just fragments of you continue to show up within your connections.
3. You Chronically Feel Exhausted
It takes a lot of mental energy to overthink. Over time one of the main side effects of chronic overthinking is physical exhaustion. If you feel constantly exhausted without any sort of explanation to why it could be your racing mind that’s leading you to feel so drained.
4. You Can’t Sleep
This point is pretty straight forward. Your thoughts can be keeping you from initially getting to sleep or awaking you in the wee hours of the morning and sabotaging your ability to rest peacefully. As many of us may know, a lack of sleep leads to so many other issues.
Now that we’ve discussed some symptoms that are present when we’re in our heads, let’s look at 6 practices to help rewire our thinking patterns.
1. Engage with people that can help you rediscover your presence.
Having relationships in your life that guide you toward rediscovering your presence is priceless. The mere modeling of being on the other end of someone who knows how to tap into the present moment will, over time, shift you into a more present person yourself. (Reminder: We do become more like the people who we choose to be around consistently. Choose wisely. Their habits will become your habits over time.)
Look for these present people in your world, value them and hang around them as much as you can.
2. Focus on Facts Not Stories (This is a big one)
This one is pretty cut and dry. A fact is a fact. It’s “what is,” for worse or for better. A fact is the truth of what’s happening or what has happened; It’s not your assumption or story about it. A story is your creative twist and take on a situation, which is not a fact. (Phew! Got that?)
Becoming more savvy by distinguishing the difference between when you’re reacting based on your story vs. the fact of the matter will greatly silence your tendency to overthink.
3. Practice the Cognitive Behavioral Method of “Thought Stopping” (With Acknowledgment of Your Emotionality)
Finding awareness of when you begin to “go down the rabbit hole” with looping thoughts, rumination and overthinking is key to thought stopping. What I’m doing in session with my clients who overthink is modeling thought stopping by guiding them away from their unhealthy habit of creating story. I do this by identifying the emotion (commonly anxiety or fear) leading the overthinking and proceed to shut down the “story” that they’ve created, which is driving their looping thoughts. It’s as if I’m picking out weeds from the grass. I’m picking out what we need to work through (the emotion) while ditching the false story, which is often what’s creating the discomfort and pain.
We usually are reacting more from our fear and story of what might be, rather than what actually is.
As you learn to do this with yourself, over time you will stop getting into destructive thinking loops that lead you to nowhere and you will learn to disengage from your assumptions. You will have so much more time for what is pleasant and true when your awareness increases around your ruminating habits. Discover more details about the thought stopping process here.
4. Move your body
In order to be a healthy person, finding a way to be active and get your blood pumping is a must. There’s very few things that I’m ever going to tell you is a must, and this is one of them. Through movement and breath we can help difficult emotions and stress “push through” our system. Without movement we become stagnant and stuck and start holding onto hard emotions that can literally make us sick. Move your bodies friends. It’s huge.
5. Get Curious/ Get Away From What You Know
Whether it’s an intentional trip to a different part of your town that’s unexplored, a weekend trip somewhere new or traveling outside of the country, please go toward the unknown. This is important because when we go toward our curiosity, we simultaneously go away from our routine and what we know. Our presence is required when we’re not familiar with our surroundings, which automatically gets us out of our heads and into our lives.
6. Find Some Healthy Distractions
Find ways to engage in activities that help your mind focus such as crossword puzzles, a game of chess, reading, engagement in a good film, etc. These activities are like mind aerobics and help focus your mind on something that squashes the tendency to ruminate, loop or overthink. Our brains need to exercise too.
All and all, the biggest take away that I want you to know is that you can do something about your overthinking. If your mind has a hold of you, this is not the way you have to keep living your life. You are not stuck. Finding relief from overthinking is a matter of finding the right “tools.” With awareness, practice, a desire for change and the commitment to “do the work,” over time you will find relief from your hyper analyzing ways.
If you feel like you need more guidance toward combating your negative thinking habits there’s many different ways to search for a therapist and find the right “fit” for you. Check out my post on How to Find the “Right” Therapist for more pointers toward a successful search. Also, feel free to reach out to me with any questions or direction. I’m happy to help.
You can find this article published on @themindsjournal HERE.
Find my youtube video on overthinking HERE.
*Above image is a joint collaboration by Renata Amazonas Photography & Ashley WIlliams Photography.