Kim Egel 7/24/25 Kim Egel 7/24/25

AFTER THE BREAKUP: Repairing and Regaining Your Sense of Self (for the recovering co-dependent)

The panic, pain and distress that is commonly felt when a codependent relationship ends is hard to put into words. As a codependent relationship comes to an end, there’s often a “hot & cold” and “on & off” dynamic that makes the break up all the more drawn out and painful.

It can feel like the ground has been pulled out from under you—like your sense of identity, stability, and worth was tied so tightly to another person that their absence leaves you lost and in pieces. For many recovering from codependency, the breakup is not just the end of a relationship—it’s the beginning of an emotional unraveling that, while painful, also holds the potential for deep healing and self-reclamation.

If you're new to the topic of codependency here’s a helpful place to start: Codependency (what it is and how to heal) .

This post is for those navigating that raw aftermath, unsure of who they are without the other, and ready to slowly begin the work of repairing and regaining their sense of self and self respect.

What Is Codependency? (let’s refresh)

Codependency is an unhealthy pattern of emotional and psychological reliance on another person — often at the expense of your own needs, desires, and identity. When you're in a codependent dynamic, you find yourself hyper-focused on your partner’s needs while neglecting your own.

Over time, this can lead to the dissolving of key pillars in your life:

Your friendships
Family connections
Personal routines and self-care
Creative or professional goals
Time for yourself

You say yes when you mean no. You become overly responsible for the other person's mood, actions, and comfort.

You shrink. You disappear. Nothing about this way of being is doing anything of value for you; nothing.

What Gets Lost in a Codependent Relationship?

There’s a lot at stake when you let go of putting energy into yourself, while hyper focusing on your partner, which is often what happens within a co dependent dynamic.

Let’s name the core parts of you that often fall away:

✦ Self-Identity

You lose track of who you are outside the relationship. You may experience anxiety, depression, or even turn to coping behaviors to numb the disconnect.

✦ Self-Awareness

You stop checking in with your own needs, desires, and boundaries — or you feel guilty when you do as it takes the focus off of them.

✦ Self-Care

Basic needs like sleep, nutrition, scheduling doctor’s appointments, or simply doing the little things that you “used” to do for yourself fall off the radar.

✦ Core Values

You begin to bend your values to keep the peace or maintain closeness — even if it means going against what you believe to be true or value.

✦ Boundaries

You expect your partner to “just know” your limits, or you avoid expressing them for fear of conflict or abandonment.

✦ Lack of Autonomy

You may feel unsafe acting independently in the relationship, or incapable of making decisions without the other person.

✦ Self Respect

It’s common to feel very empty and lost after the break up (and even during)- You’ve spent the majority of your energy focusing on another person, so when everything is said and done you find yourself lacking self respect along with your sense of self.

Why Is It So Hard to Leave?

People in codependent relationships often stay because the thought of being alone feels terrifying. They have connected their sense of worth and meaning to another person - often a person who leaves them feeling empty and unappreciated.

Even if the relationship was draining or dysfunctional, you may find yourself longing, obsessing, or questioning your decision to leave.

Why?

Because a codependent relationship often isn't "bad" all the time. Your partner likely had moments of kindness or made promises of change. (this helped you validate why you stay and provided you hope for how it “could be.” ) The unpredictable mix of affection and hurt creates a trauma bond that makes it hard to leave and even harder to think clearly about the relationship.

The 3 R’s of the Codependent Breakup (via Dr. Ramani)

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula outlines three emotional patterns many people experience post-breakup, especially those healing from codependency:

1. Rumination

You replay the relationship endlessly:

What if I had tried harder?
Maybe I overreacted.
Was it really that bad?

You idealize the potential. You minimize the harm. Rumination is a trauma response — your mind trying to make sense of something that often never made sense to begin with. More about what rumination is here.

2. Regret

You start to blame yourself:

I should’ve seen the red flags.
Why didn’t I leave sooner?

This emotional spiral fuels your inner critic and keeps you stuck in the pain loop. It can even make you vulnerable to reconnecting with a partner who didn’t value you.

3. Reaching Out

You may feel an intense pull to reconnect — seeking closure, answers, or a “do-over.” It’s important to note that this urge is often withdrawal from the trauma bond, not clarity. Reaching out often reopens the wound you’re trying to heal.

What is the Root of Codependency?

Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern that often stems from a combination of factors including childhood trauma, dysfunctional family dynamics, and insecure attachment styles. These experiences can lead to low self-esteem, a distorted sense of self, and difficulty establishing healthy boundaries, all contributing to codependent behaviors in our adulthood relationships.

(see resources below to dive deeper into the root healing that goes into recovering from codependency.)

What the Codependent Might Feel After a Breakup

Shame or feeling “defective”
Intense fear of being alone
Panic, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts
Low self-esteem
Jealousy or fear of being replaced
Obsessive thoughts about your ex — What are they doing now? Have they moved on?

All of this is normal for the codependent to experience — but it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system is trying to recalibrate after losing what it thought was “home.” It’s the consequence from making someone outside of you “the answer” and “the source” of your own worth.

How to Rebuild After Codependency

Recovering from codependency isn’t just about “moving on.” It’s about moving inward — and reclaiming the parts of you that you’ve ignored or intentionally silenced to “keep the peace.”

In a nutshell; rebuilding is about redirecting your energy from them back to you.

Here’s where to begin to rebuild:

✦ Set Boundaries

Reclaim your right to say no, to pause, to prioritize. Boundaries will be your bridge back to self-respect.

✦ Practice Self-Care

It’s the continual small habits that you do daily that helps you maintain your whole body wellness. It's booking the dentist, taking a walk, reconnecting with the special people in your life, it’s keeping the promises that you make to yourself.

✦ Build Self-Esteem

Affirm your worth without needing external validation. Reflect on what makes you authentically you apart from your ability to feel and be needed by someone or something outside of you.

✦ Identify Codependent Patterns

Notice where you seek approval, where you avoid conflict, and where you tend to people-please. Gaining awareness around the behaviors that are in your control and working toward shifting them is the first step to change.

✦ Feel Your Feelings

Let grief, anger, sadness, and fear move through you — feel it. This is where the healing lives. If you find it difficult to “feel your feelings” feel free to read this post on how to do just that here.

✦ Be Assertive

Use your voice. Say what you mean. Ask for what you need. Being direct doesn't make you difficult — it how you lead with self respect my friends.

✦ Meet Your Own Needs

Tend to your body, your desires, your ambitions. Make the decision that self-abandonment is no longer an option.

Takeaway

Healing from a codependent breakup is not linear, as the healing process never is. It’s raw. It’s layered. And it can be empowering, if you allow it to be. You’re not just recovering from a relationship — you’re recovering and reviving your sense of self and self respect.

This. Is. Huge.

The pain you’re feeling isn’t a sign that you should’ve stayed.
It’s a sign that your nervous system is adjusting to freedom. A sense of freedom that’s new, and maybe not even wanted (yet), however that incongruence is normal to the process of coming back into yourself.

Be patient with yourself and continue to focus back to yourself when thoughts of the other try to pull you away from your core.
The huge shift to healing is the recognition that: You’re allowed to choose you now (and you should).

Recommended Somatic Visualization for the Codependent

Find a comfortable space that’s quiet and close your eyes.Visualize a cord that is attached to the core of your body that’s inappropriately connected to “the other” (whoever the codependent relationship is with). Continue to visualize this cord taking all of your energy and resources and sending it to the other. Recognize in this visualization that by having this cord attached to “them” you’re consequently malnourishing and depleting your life force energy. Recognize how you’re dimming your sense of self, light and love by this cord being so wrongly attached to them.

Now, visualize a pair of large scissors cutting the cord and reconnect that cord back into you; where it belongs and where it always needs to stay. Spend time sitting in the sensation of what it feels like to feel light, reviving energy flowing back into your body. Sit with this feeling of replenishing your sense of self respect, self identity and self love as long as it feels good to do so.