Confiding in Others (Why It's Important and Tips to Keep it Healthy)
Trusting someone to confide in can be hard to do. It’s scary to trust someone to hold what’s vulnerable for us to say.
we fear judgement. we fear not fitting in.
Yet, the truth is that we connect more with others when we go beneath the surface. Going beneath the surface is where deep connection lives. It’s so important for your mental and emotional wellness to know who the people are in your life in which you can confide in.
On the flip side of things: someone confiding in you is a true honor. It’s something to be mindful & intentional about.
In short, when it comes to others confiding in you; be a vault.
Be respectful of what others chose to keep private and solely disclose to you. Find ways to refrain from talking about others personal lives when they’ve asked you to keep the conversation between you and them private.
With that said; use your healthy discernment to decipher if a topic is healthy for you to hold. (we’ll get into this more below)
Your ability to hold space for someone is important in so many ways; you’re proving to yourself that you can be trust worthy. You’re proving to the other party that you can be, which will earn you mutual respect and keep the connection healthy.
We act as a safe place for others when we refrain from telling what’s not ours to tell. It will eliminate so much drama, outward chaos and strained relationships if we can learn how to hold space for other in a healthy way.
Simply put; Be a person that sways away from the drama and chaos of gossip.
What does confiding in someone actually mean?
Google says: “To confide in someone is to tell them something privately. We confide in people we trust. We all have secrets and subjects that are hard to talk about. When we want to talk about something sensitive, we look for someone to confide in: a person we trust not to blab about our business to the rest of the world. “ -(google)
How about when someone confiding in you becomes heavy and feels unhealthy?
Sometimes what others are asking you to keep private is unhealthy for you to hold alone. There are times when what others are asking you to hold is putting you in a compromising position. This could look like being put in the middle of a mutual friends disagreement; where you feel like you’re hearing information about a mutual party that’s bringing you into the conflict. (This is called triangulation in the world of psychology. This basically means that one party is trying to draw you into their side of the issue. This tactic is manipulative and can cause a lot of emotional harm to our connections.)
This could look like hearing information that’s not healthy or appropriate for you to keep to yourself. A solid example of this is when someone discloses any sort of situation that is unsafe. (self harm, abuse, etc)
It’s a really difficult thing to navigate when we’re hearing information that’s either not meant for our ears or where we’re holding information about the safety of another that puts us in a questionable spot.
So, what do you do when someone confiding in you, puts you in a tricky spot?
Here are 4 quick tips on how to handle this kind of situation:
Don’t compromise your values / sense of self (ever). Any situation or piece of information that requires you to compromise your moral compass, what you value or believe in is something to really question and think twice about. This usually is a sign that what you’re being asked to keep silent is unhealthy.
Don’t act impulsively. If the situation allows for it; give yourself the time to reflect on the situation in order to make a grounded decision on how to handle it versus acting on your impulses.
Seek professional consultation. If a situation is beyond what a friendship could or should hold; it’s a good idea to seek professional help in order to proceed. This could look like calling the SAMHSA hotline or seeking guidance from a licensed professional.
Be straight forward. Share with the person whose confiding in you in a respectful and caring way that the information disclosed is concerning (or share what it’s bringing up for you.) Basically, what I’m saying is that it’s okay for you to be authentic with someone about how something is making you feel. Too often we validate why “we can’t” treat ourselves with the respect that we deserve.
I hope this post offers you some sense of direction in terms of how to navigate the tricky relationship situations that we can sometimes find ourselves in. When in doubt, trust your internal compass and pay attention to when something is not sitting well within.
*The above image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
3 Quick Tips For A More Positive Mindset
We can all get into a negative head space. After all, we’re human and life provides contrast, which we’re challenged to navigate every now and then. This will always be. With that said, here are some clear steps to remember to get your head back in the game when it's in a funky place.
Focus On What’s Good
In order to be a consistently happy person, it’s a must to create a habit of focusing on what there is to appreciate in your life. What you tend to focus on is a habit in itself. Habits can change with some attention and discipline. If you notice that you tend to focus on “the problem” or what’s lacking in your life, you can learn to shift your mindset. Just like any habit, it’s a matter of learning a new, more serving one in order to function better. A better habit results in thinking and feeling better overtime.
If you feel that you struggle with worry, anxiety and a sense of general overwhelm, I invite you to pay attention to the small things in life. The small things can be easy to ignore, but they’re a great place to start in order to practice your ability to focus and build momentum. The hummingbird at your window, a genuine smile from a stranger or a random message from a past dear friend are little things that you can acknowledge more. Paying attention to the little things in life tend to lead to big shifts and changes within. Life all comes down to a constant exchange of energy between everything, so keeping your focus on feelings and thoughts that serve you will bring good things toward you. This will always be true.
Take Things Step by Step
Focus on one thing at a time. Focusing on the next step, and just the next step, calls you to be more present. When you tap into what choice feels good and honors who you are in the moment, in a sense, you can’t fail. Whatever results from making a choice from that true place within is right.
It’s often that the small choices we make everyday are the ones that impact our happiness the most. We tend to be wired to focus on the big and more monumental things that cause change. Change does and can happen this way, although never forget the power of the underdog, which, in this case are the small decisions that overtime lead to a different way of thinking and feeling.
A great simple and clear question to ask your internal self when you’re looking to feel more rooted is:
What’s the next right move?
Be Where You Are
I’m here to tell you………Where you are is where you're supposed to be. Period.
I know that can be super discomforting, especially when you have a lot going on that's difficult in the now, so bare with me.
When you’re constantly thinking that you should BE somewhere other than where you are, you will be chronically dissatisfied. This way of thinking creates so much suffering. Feeling that where your life is presently is “wrong” is a perspective (and negative label) that will slowly chip away at your life force. In order to hold and feed that negative belief you will naturally become untrusting of life. If you believe that where your at is “wrong” and that’s where life has lead you, this presents a complete disconnect and distrustful relationship with life itself. Obviously, this not a good place to be. Think about not trusting another person. You will naturally be less open, more protective of yourself and less available when you feel something or someone is threatening you. Approaching life on the defense will leave you unfulfilled.
In order to really sink into your present life experience you have to form a more healthy relationship with life. Life is not going anywhere and as long as you choose to think it’s out to get you, you will suffer. You will find more peace with where you are when you trust that the process of life is supporting you. Whether you can visibly see the results of that or not. This is where we get stuck. We see other people experiencing what we want and it’s easy to get caught up in the “why” of “Why is it not happening for me?”
My voice is hear to remind you that it’s just not happening for you……YET.
Believe that what you want is own it's way. Feel the good feelings you imagine that desired experience will bring and practice living more in that mind space.
Hang in there. If you can start to trust life a little more, it will give you more evidence of why you should trust it. In a sense, it’s like dating. The more you see qualities that you enjoy and make you feel good in another, the more you will have the desire to exchange and journey with them forward. So, date life….this is one partner that will not fail you.
* Above image by San Diego Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson.