They Love Me, They Love Me Not: Dealing With Unrequited Love
Needless to say, one situation in life, that can be beyond uncomfortable, stabs at our vulnerability and brings us face to face with rejection is when our love for another is not returned. Simply said, I’m describing liking someone and not being liked back. Feeling feelings beyond friendship and those feelings not being returned by the one we desire can be really painful. It can make us want to run away and hide, literally.
Since this really is a thing that most of us have dealt with, I was asked by @healthline to contribute to an article on this topic of unrequited love. Click the link below to read the full blog post.
They Love Me, They Love Me Not: Dealing With Unrequited Love
*Image by Wedding & Lifestyle Photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
How To Find The “Right” Mental Health Therapist/ 4 Tips
Even when you’re all set and on board to start therapy, a common initial block is deciding where to start looking for a therapist that’s a fit. My intention for this post is to provide some quick tips so you can find what you’re looking for and get the help that you desire.
Recently I heard a statistic that said something along the lines of this:
What matters most, even beyond how clinically fit a therapist is, is the organic flow of connection that exists between client and therapist while doing “the work.”
I’ve completely rephrased this in my language, although, with being a therapist myself, all I can say is that I agree with this notion 100%. Clicking with, liking, feeling in alignment with the therapist that you choose is a really big deal.
It trips me up when I hear people that are in therapy whom state that they don’t really “like” or “relate” to their therapist.
This just doesn’t need to be so. Especially because there’s so much choice in the matter these days. If you’re seeking to find someone whom you feel gets you in ways beyond clinical, this can be a reality.
With that being said, here are four quick tips for you to apply toward your search for the right therapist so you can find a good match for you.
1. Ask to Have a Phone Consultation
Many therapists, me included, offer short phone sessions in order for you to ask questions or share more about why you’re seeking therapy. This is such a great way for you, the potential client, to get a feel for the therapist on the other end of the phone. Are they easy to talk too? Do you resonate with their approach? Pay attention to how you feel during and after the call.
Beyond getting a feel and vibe for this potential therapist, a short call provides you with the opportunity to ask any questions that you might have around that particular therapists style, education and experience amongst many other things. Also, if money is a deciding factor, many therapists do work on a “sliding fee scale,” which means that they reduce their set fee under certain conditions. It’s worth asking, if in doubt.
2. Spend Time Taking In Their Website
I can only speak for myself with saying that my website is like “my creative baby.“ What I mean by that is that I’ve put so much energy and thought into creating what is now my website. It’s changed, grown and evolved over the years, as my practice and approach has. It’s a HUGE reflection of me. From the photos, to the content, nothing has passed by without my choosy eye making sure it’s a fit for the message I’m looking to convey for my potential client. Now, this is not to say that anything is wrong with a clinician who hasn’t been so hands on, the point is to look for a site where you can get a feel for the professional on the other end.
Again, the key is to pay attention to how you feel as you’re looking through their content.
3. Look for “Their Approach” to Therapy
Are you looking for a therapist whose going to approach you with a more clinical lens or do you want to feel more like you’re talking to a relatable friend, who also has the clinical skills to help you on a professional level. Deciphering what’s important to you can increase your chances of “finding the right fit.”
For example, I cater toward a client who tends to be more of an outside the box thinker. A client whose looking for a less structured, more creative and intuitive approach to therapy. Some would hear that and want to run for the hills, while some would hear that and be drawn in.
If you’re not sure what you’re looking for, which is very common by the way, try on what you’re curious about. Have that initial phone call with the professional that seems to have qualities and approaches that you find interesting and go from there.
4. Look for Loop Holes with Your Insurance
Often times people shut down therapy before it begins because of the cost. I get it. However, it’s important to get clear on what the facts are based on your specific insurance plan. Hopefully, the below information can help you sort that out.
If you have a PPO insurance plan, most, if not all of those plans allow reimbursement for “out of network providers” (key phrase). An “out of network provider” is a mental health professional whose not contracted with any given insurance company. You can get reimbursed directly from your insurance company while rendering services from any “out of network provider” if your insurance accepts “out of network providers.” In order to get reimbursed, your therapist has to provide you with a receipt for services that you then send directly to your insurance company for reimbursement.
(Does that make sense? I hope so, because it can be confusing.)
Giving a quick call to your insurance company and having some sort of dialogue that can be initiated by this specific question can help to clarify how much you will have to “pay out of pocket” per session.
“Hello, I’m looking to seek mental health services and I’m curious to what my coverage is, based on my specific plan. I would love to know the exact percentage per session that I will be reimbursed. Thank you.”
(If your chosen therapist is “out of network,” meaning that they are not covered under your insurance, you can ask your insurance company if they reimburse for “out of network providers.” If they do, you can ask them,:
“How much does my specific plan reimburse for “out of network providers?”
If a provider that you’re looking to begin services with is not covered under insurance at all, you can ask that provider if they work on a sliding scale fee to reduce the session cost and make the possibility of seeing them more financially practical.
If you’re going through insurance, it will benefit you to call ahead of time so you know, financially and factually, what you’re working with based on your specific insurance plan and life situation.
With all that said, recommendations from trusted sources are also great. Although, I would still point you toward connecting with the referred professional prior to deciding to start therapeutic sessions. It’s important to honor what your intuition and gut say despite anyone’s recommendation.
Good luck on your search. If you keep looking while paying attention to how you feel, it’s just a matter of time that you’ll find the right therapist for you.
*Two platforms I always recommend for those searching for a mental health professional:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/ & https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
*Above Image taken by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
12 Tips To Break A Lying Habit
As the truth can sometimes hurt, our inner voice can validate why a white lie can be harmless. Is this so? Is a white lie so harmless? I’ve teamed up with @healthline to tackle this question.
Click on the link below to read the full post where I’m pumped to be featured as the licensed contributing professional.
12 Tips To Break A Lying Habit
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer.
How to Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries are a major buzz word in the world of self help. It’s one of those words that we’ve probably heard, knowing that we’re “suppose to” have them, but what are good boundaries really?
We’re told to have boundaries, but how to you get them?
Having boundaries is a topic that comes up in some way, shape or form with every client that comes my way. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that our ability to have healthy boundaries correlates with how happy and fulfilled we will feel in our relationships and, ultimately, our lives.
Wherever you are in your relationship with boundaries, I’m going to speak a bit about the topic because I feel it’s a game changer to live a life where your boundaries are clear and strong.
As you increase your boundaries you’ll, consequently, up level your overall feeling of happiness and decrease your stress load. This is so because the side effect of having no boundaries leaves us in a consistent rhythm of running around trying to please others while denying our needs. With that said, we each have our own unique relationship with boundaries and it will benefit us to have more knowing around this hot topic.
So, lets get right to it and start evaluating where we are in terms of our relationship with boundaries.
What Exactly Are Boundaries?
Boundaries represent our ability to honor our needs and wants regardless of others expectations of us. Simply put, it’s saying “No” when someone wants us to say “Yes.” It’s drawing a line when we feel like our healthy needs and wants are being ignored or compromised by another’s request.
How Do We Show Up When We Don’t Have Boundaries?
In short; not good, but since that’s not a helpful-slash-professional answer, let me go further.
We people please
We self sacrifice
We look to please others more than pleasing ourselves
We quickly ditch our needs to tend to others needs
We say “Yes” when we actually mean “No”
We take responsibility for what’s not ours
We are Passive Aggressive (Because we are doing things we don’t really want to do)
So, with that said……
Why Don’t We Have Boundaries?
Meaning, why in the world would we do this to ourselves? Why would we actively choose to run around pleasing everyone but ourselves? Honoring others needs at the expense of denying or rejecting ours?
Why Would We Do This!?
There’s lots of reasons why we might be struggling to have clear boundaries within our lives and relationships. Sometimes it’s because we hate conflict and are scared to say “No.” Sometimes it’s because we never learned about boundaries within our family of origins and got thrown out into the world trying to understand why we often get “taken advantage of” or “walked over.”
Side note: Those of us with none or weak boundaries will be a victim of these behaviors.
Let me make a statement that’s so important to remember, perhaps it can be your new mantra….
Repeat after me:
People respect people who respect themselves.
The reality is, even though we will feel uncomfortable laying down boundaries for ourselves, especially if we haven’t done so in the past, clear and consistent boundaries will improve our lives. Straight up. People might not like our boundaries, but they will respect us more for putting them up. Why? Because having boundaries is telling the world that we honor ourselves.
It’s saying:
“Yo, I care about me and I’m going to say no when something doesn’t feel right because I honor myself.”
Whether the person on the receiving end agrees with your boundaries or not, should not be your point of focus. A healthy point of focus when implementing boundaries is to anchor on the fact that you’re making a self serving choice that’s communicating to others how much you care about you. (Most importantly, it’s communicating to YOU that you care about you.) This, in turn, will teach others how to treat you, as that’s what we’re always doing via our actions. (Whether we’re conscious of it or not.)
Which leads to the second mantra I have for you:
I’m teaching others how to treat me by how I’m treating myself.
Great! So now that we have awareness around what boundaries are and how important it is to cultivate them, below is a list of 5 tips on how to start acquiring boundaries. These can be helpful regardless of where you are within your unique process of boundary setting.
How Do You Get Boundaries If You Have None? (5 Tips)
1. Get In Tune With What You Need
HOW: Taking time for yourself will increase the volume on your inner, intuitive self. As the noise decreases and we give ourselves time and space, we often can come to a place of greater clarity. This clarity will help us to see new perspectives and, ultimately, lead us to grow.
2. Honor Your Needs by Taking Positive Action
HOW: Little choice by little choice is how big change occurs. If you commit to taking small actions consistently, you will notice an overall shift in your life.
3. Watch Overdoing Yourself and the Over Compensation Of Your Time and Energy
HOW: Look for the virtue of reciprocation within your relationships. Healthy relationships have an organic balance to them. It’s not “tit for tat,” it’s just a flow. Watch your old patterns of over giving and eliminate subjecting yourself from taking on more than you can handle. BALANCE is your focal point with this one.
4. Find Coping for the Guilt & Discomfort That Arises As You Honor Your Boundaries
HOW: Remind yourself that establishing and holding your boundaries is how you respect yourself. In the long run, leading with this way of functioning will produce a more positive outcome. (In the short term, it may be gut wrenchingly hard, but please hang in there) Having boundaries is a win/win. As the guilt and discomfort appears with saying “No,” practice sitting with this emotion by allowing it to be there. (Hey guilt, what’s up?) It sounds simple, but it’s a practice that will take some time. As you put attention to this practice, over time, the guilty feelings will weaken and you’ll be able to make healthy choices without so much discomfort.
5. Get Used To Taking Up Space
HOW: Watch your ability to over apologize. Be mindful of your habit of comparing yourself to others with the false story that someone is “better” than you. So untrue my friend. Practice being in a room with an open heart and standing rooted in who you are. Allow your voice to be heard and your words to be expressed. Take up some dang space please. Know that you’re worthy of it.
There can be some relationships that we find more challenging to hold our boundaries with than others. This is common. The truth is that some relationships are going to fall away as we set a healthy framework for ourselves. This can be really hard, although, hang in there because any relationship that prefers you to constantly “do” for them is not a relationship that is going to build you up. Boundaries shine the truth on relationships. The truth can hurt, although it’s better to see it than pretend and deny reality.
People that care about us are going to understand and respect our boundaries/ They may not like them, but they’ll understand and adjust accordingly.
I’m going to say that again: The people who genuinely love us are going to be able to adjust to our new and healthy boundaries. The relationships that aren’t willing to meet you half way will fall away. Trust this process.
Gaining and implementing boundaries within your life is a skill set that will forever benefit you. Honor yourself in this life by having clarity around what your boundaries are and having the courage to stand strong beside them.
*Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, lifestyle & wedding Photographer.
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12 Tips To Help You De-Stress
I was recently asked to present about “De Stressing and Being Your Best” (Thanks for having me @Delmarfairgrounds!) Below are some of the key points that I highlighted within my talk. My hope is for these tips to help you discover the little tweaks and changes that you can uniquely make that can lead you toward less stress and anxiety throughout your days to come.
Here we go.
1. Mind Your Company
It’s a known fact that you’ll become more like the people that you spend the majority of your time with. You’ll mimic their dialect, ways of thinking, ways of treating others and habits; for better or worse. Choose your people wisely my friends.
2. Establish A Morning Routine
Waking up and taking the time and space to establish a strong foundation for your day to unfold for your benefit is a great practice to implement. Giving yourself time upon waking to do practices such as journaling, meditation or breathing to center for your day will greatly benefit you. (*The above practices are just suggestions. The key is to find your unique practice that supports you.)
3. Move Your Body
It’s a given that exercise is a win/win. We all know that we should get out there and do some sort of movement that engages our physical body. Although, just because we know this, doesn’t mean we do it. The spiderweb effect that takes over when healthy amounts of exercise become apart of your routine leads you in a really positive direction. The bonus factor is that exercise creates a lot of positive momentum that leads you to make healthy choices in other areas as well.
4. Get Your Z’s Babe
I can’t highlight enough how important sleep is. It sounds so basic and boring to talk about, yet it’s one of the main foundations that effect our level of functioning. Getting consistent with your sleep while creating a comfortable and calming bedroom environment will support deeper sleep and an overall more restorative rest experience.
5. Eat Well; Be Well
What we eat is absolutely connected to our ability to cope well with our stress and anxiety levels. There are even certain foods, like, turmeric, chamomile and salmon that are linked with reducing anxiety levels, as Michael Pollan states in the book, Food Rules. Our diet effects how we feel and how we feel dictates our daily choices. Did we eat so much that we feel so full and lazy that we opt out of doing something healthy for ourselves? Getting in a habit of making, for the most part, food choices that allow us to feel healthy and well is a key toward living with less stress.
6. Find a Hobby
Get out there, explore and find something to put your mind and time into that fills you up. This is such a quick way to rid of stress, not to mention meeting new people and building confidence. Bringing balance into our lives via finding activities that fill our time that bring us joy and gift us with new experiences is a win/win.
7. Give Yourself The Gift of Time
If you do anything in this busy life, please learn how to take a step back and give yourself the gift of space for self reflection. It will serve you greatly in general and it will also help reduce your stress. When we’re not going so fast, we tend to make better decisions and that immensely effects how our life pans out.
8. Learn How to Deal With Conflict
If I see one commonality within my clients, I see a lot of people who do whatever it takes, good or bad, to avoid conflict at all costs. Why?…..Because conflict is uncomfortable. Difficult conversations are uncomfortable. Although, when we avoid hard conversations and don’t have them, it does lead to more stress in the long run. Truth.
9. Hone the Art of Communication
Learn to be a person of your word. Learn to be a human whose words matches their actions and your life will greatly up level. Mean what you say and say what you mean and you will attract and hone a really solid group of individuals to befriend. You, also, will attract opportunities that will help you thrive in this life. Focus on facts and avoid assumptions and you will notice that communication tends to flow with more grace and ease.
10. Hone Your Intuition
Get witchy! Taking the time to listen to your inner self will absolutely help you lead a less stressful life. When you’re more clear about who you are and what you want you’ll, generally, have a higher degree of inner knowing. This higher level of intuition will help you make choices that not only are right for you, but will effect the people around you for the better as well. A great meditation app that I prefer to start a daily meditation practice is Insight Timer. It’s free!
11. Honor Your Boundaries
Learning to say “NO” when you mean “NO,” with the out most respect for those around you will help you stay in your lane. Meaning, it will help you to avoid taking on what is not yours. Boundaries are one of the most important tools that you can cultivate in order to live a less stressful life. Another perk of having good boundaries is that you tend to avoid attracting people that want to over step your self defined limits. As we’ve all heard, like attracts like and when we have no boundaries we are prime time “bate” for the individuals who want to take. You can avoid this dynamic by creating solid boundaries for yourself.
12. Slow Your Roll
There are so many perks to slowing down. With doing so you will make less mistakes. As counter intuitive as it may seem, going faster doesn’t mean that you’re the one upfront in the long run. Usually the result is quite the opposite. Take the runner that goes out too quick at the beginning of the race. They’re not commonly known to be the winner at the finish line. As we’ve all heard the infamous quote, “Slow and steady wins the race.” So many “rookie” mistakes are made when we’re going too quickly. Not to mention that rushing is very stressful.
Little by little. Small choice by small choice we can create a different way of living that will reduce our overall level of stress. Truly reducing stress is a lifestyle choice. All you have to do is commitment to making some small choices at first, that will, in turn, start changing things for the better. When you see small changes take place, it will inspire you to keep going, leading you more and more to a brighter and less stressful reality.
*Below image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Why Someone Says They're Not Ready To Date, According To Experts
I’ve linked a BUSTLE article about dating, love and intimate relationships where I was a guest contributor. Dating, finding love, coping with rejection and putting yourself “out there” can be challenging. My hope is for this article to provide you with some clarity around how someone’s rejection is NOT personal to you. It’s just not. Believing that it is can be so damaging. Please don’t do that to your beautiful self.
Enjoy the article below to read about some insights as to why rejection is not personal and says nothing negative about you.
LINK TO ARTICLE
*Above image by, photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
3 Tips on How to Cope with Uncertainty
As Fall is quickly approaching, along comes the changing of the seasons. It’s so hard to image that change, as I sit here with an 80 degree summer day before me. I can’t imagine being cold and wearing my boots and skinny jeans. Although, it’s going to happen.
Some things are inevitable and just a matter of time, whether we invite and desire change for ourselves or not.
Change is a constant in life and change tends to be so utterly uncomfortable for many of us. I see this first hand with the kind of work I do. I also have and have had my own struggles with transition and change.
I’m guessing that a lot of us have dreams and desires that are difficult to envisioning happening from where we stand today. It’s a skill to be able to believe that something is coming and going to happen for us, even when there’s no glimpse of it within our present.
If you already possess this skill, good on you, if not, you can absolutely cultivate this way of thinking. As you do, the utter discomfort around HOW something is going to come into your life will begin to shift from discomfort and stress into curiosity and anticipated excitement.
For the record: This feels SO much better.
When we get stuck within the fear of the unknown, there tends to be a lot of angst around how things are going to work out.
If we’re as single as can be, we wonder, how that romantic partner is going to show up. If we’re looking to become an entrepreneur, we can become paralyzed in thinking about how our future business is going to get off the ground. We can stress, big time, about how things are going to work out in our lives. Especially when we can’t logically see (in the now) how things can possibly pan out.
When we can’t see how something is going to unfold; it’s hard for us to imagine it to be true.
This is why, we humans, love to plan and control. It gives us a (false) sense of comfort because for a limited time it allows us to feel in the drivers seat of life. (which is an illusion itself) Some of us navigate our whole lives with our hands “white knuckling it” on the steering wheel of life, forcing and controlling things to be because it makes us feel more comfortable to do so.
Just to be clear: there’s healthy management of your life, to the best of your ability given your situation and there’s controlling your life. These are two very different approaches.
I’m writing this with full transparency in saying that it’s such a struggle to not know. It’s so hard to sit in an uncomfortable space without knowing when or if it’s going to end or turn out in a positive light. We all struggle with this to some degree.
With that said, I also know that there are perspectives to digest that can help you surrender more, trust more and feel more comfortable amongst the unknown. After all, whether we want to admit it or not, we all really don’t know what lies ahead for us.
Here Are 3 Tips to Focus on When Not Knowing Is Driving You Nuts
Tap Into Your Intuition
Building your intuitive muscle will help you to better navigate the choices and decisions before you. Your intuition is your inner compass. Straight up.
Learning to focus more on how something feels rather than using your logic to figure it out is a way to drop more into your intuitive self.
I love this below quote because it points to that inner sense around change and movement that we all have, whether we pay attention to it or not.
“The moment that you feel like you can leave that place (a situation, relationship or place)… leave, because every moment you stay longer than you have to, you will become extraordinarily ordinary.”
Intuitively, we get a feeling when we’ve expanded beyond something. Paying attention to that knowing and taking an action toward changing your situation is the work. The problem with staying in something that we’ve grown out of is, …..drumroll….., that we don’t grow. Hence we stay “extraordinarily ordinary.” Getting more comfortable with change and the unknown gives us the courage to make bold moves. These moves, whether big or small, give us the momentum to expand, grow and ultimately change our lives.
Accept What Is
Just because something looks or is a certain way now, doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. Often, in order for things to shift and change, we need to tap into accepting things as they are. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you have to like what’s happening, but it does require facing the reality of how things are…..for now. Acceptance has an organic way of allowing things to fall into place.
Face Your Fear
Generally speaking, if you practice facing fear regularly, meaning facing what’s a bit scary and uncomfortable on a daily basis, you’ll greatly grow in this life. Everyday we make choices and, often times, there will be decisions in your day where you have the opportunity to choose growth or stay in your comfort zone. It can be so hard to pick growth…..especially when we’re in a habit of being so comfy in our world. It’s like getting out of a warm, fabulous Cali kind bed on a cold winter’s day. It’s hard, yet it’s really beneficial to get up and face your day. Choosing the growth route is, often, not that enticing because we have to face our fear. Although, once you experience the energy that facing fear brings, you’ll see for yourself that it’s worth it. Challenging yourself really does awaken the spirit and that feels so good.
As complicated as this all can seem, it can be simple. Just as the seasons shift, it’s a shift in perspective that changes our emotions and invites less angst and discomfort when amongst the unknown of life. When fear, stress and discomfort fall away, we are left to enjoy and soak in what’s happening now.
*Above image taken by lifestyle & wedding photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Be The Love That You Want to Attract
The way toward what we desire is to become what we’re looking for. If we can embody and exude what we want to attract, we’ll become a natural magnet for it.
NO BIGGIE, RIGHT?
Easier said than done, I get it.
There’s so many things that get in the way of keeping it that simple. We have resistance, excuses and all the reasons that validate why it’s so hard to find or get what we want. It ‘s hard to see the light with all the blocks in our way. Although, as excuses get combated with truth and as resistance gets cut with acceptance the noise will clear. Once this clean up is done, there are less excuses and distractions which make it easier to break bad habits that are holding us back from what we desire. This leaves room to focus on what truly lights us up. When we’re walking around all bright and shiny in our life, the things that we desire have a mysterious way of appearing.
Just. Like. That.
I’ll further explain…..
As the Law Of Attraction is constantly at play with the notion that like attracts like, we’re always attracting the people, events and situations who match our energy and overall vibe. This can be borderline annoying to hear because, after all, why would we want to call in people, places and things that we don’t want? Obviously, this is unconscious and it’s an energetic thing. We’ll always be attracting like minded energy to us as we’re attracting what we’re a match for. This is so regardless of if you believe in this notion of the Law of Attraction or not. It’s just the science of life.
SO, WHAT DOES THIS ALL HAVE TO DO WITH ATTRACTING LOVE?
Often, when it comes to love and relationships, we have specific qualities that we prioritize as we seek our love partners. Kind, yes. Witty, yup. Hot, definitely doesn’t hurt. Active, no couch potatoes please. Open hearted, a must. Trustworthy, heck yeah. I can go on and on about “the list” of qualities that we may or may not have gathered up once upon a time.
So, the million dollar question remains……
HOW DO WE ATTRACT THE LOVE IN OUR LIVES THAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR?
WAIT FOR IT………..DRUMROLL……..
BE WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT
Through our choices, which dictate our actions and behaviors we’re either becoming more of who we want to be (Heading toward our most truth based self) or molding into a lesser version of who we want to be. (Pulling away from our ideal self.)
The one thing that we all have in common is that our lives are unfolding under the same moon, sun and stars. What we do with our time is dictating our lives.
What we do in the present effects who we meet, the perspectives we expose ourselves too and what we experience.
SO, HOW DOES THIS CONNECT TO OUR LOVE LIFE & ATTRACTING A PARTNER?
In order to attract and attain what we’re looking for it’s essential to be in the same playing field as what we desire. For example, If you’re looking for someone athletic, the first thing to assess is if you’re living an athletic lifestyle. Do you do the things that athletic people do? Do you consistently care about and put energy toward your physical health? Are you involved with athletic past times? Take a moment to pause and honestly think about these questions.
It’s easy to “just assume” that you’re healthy and athletic, although sometimes it’s important to take a moment to be honest and introspective with yourself about how you define yourself and if the reality of who you currently are matches the truth of who you currently are.
Look at the current you, not the five years ago you. Be mindful about leading with your past self, “I used to be a swimmer,” well, are you still a person who swims? Sometimes we’re still defining ourselves based on who we used to be, not on the truth of who we currently are. Stay present.
I know there’s been times of my life, when I’ve identified myself as a healthy person, although, if i look back on past behaviors, the truth is, I wasn’t treating my body so great at times. It reminds me of the green juice during the week and drinking a bit much on the weekends kinda vibe. Bottom line: Don’t fool yourself. Looking clearly at the truth and having the courage to swallow it will always push you back into balance.
IS YOUR LOVE SWITCH ON OR OFF?
It’s one thing to say that you your heart is open to love, although your behaviors, actions and your energy have to match your words. Stating that you’re open for intimate partnership has to be in alignment with the actual energetic vibe that you’re giving off.
Regardless of what you’re saying, your vibe is screaming either “available and open” or “closed down for biz.”
I like to say that your light switch is either OFF or ON in the love department. It’s either bright in the room or as dark as can be friends. Personally, I get a feeling when my lights are off or shutting down. This state of system shut down (heart space off) usually appears after a romantic disappointment. The best way that I know how to describe it is that it’s an inner knowing and feeling that my heart is tight, blocked and feels closed as it goes into self protective mode. This gives off distant and unavailable energy, for sure. When my heart space is closed off, that’s a signal that I have to do “all the things” to get my heart energy cleared out and back on track. (Although that’s another blog post.)
Bottom line: Your future partner has to have his/her love switch on and you do too in order to match up and attract one another.
WHERE’S YOUR HEAD AT?
How you think and the perspectives that you live your life by will be attracting you toward or away from your ideal mate. If you want someone that is glass half full and sunny side up energy, you have to align with that frame of mind. Pretending to be a positive person is very different than actually being a positive person. Your behavior has to be organic for a truth based connection to develop. No pretending here. Remember, the truth will always prevail. Starting a partnership on a foundation that is not authentic will eventually crash and burn in some way, shape or form. Someone whose positive is going to look for a partner whom can compliment their positivity. Take time to think about what kind of attitude and approach to life you desire and investigate how you’re currently operating in that realm.
It’s really all about living and showing up in the way that you personally find attractive. If you start doing, saying and being what you’re looking for, it’s truly just a matter of time that people, places and things will show up to match the energy that you’re putting out. This is a practice. So, just like any other skill you’re setting out to learn, be patient and gentle with yourself. Take the time to really cultivate and hone in the attitudes, actions and ways of life that you’re shooting for. You got this.
Blog image by Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
How to Stop Selflessly Compromising Yourself in Your Relationships
Is Any of This Hard For You?
Having the guts to be true to yourself amongst others opinions. Saying NO to others. Disappointing someone whose asking you to give more than what’s comfortable for you to give. Having a hard time refraining from doing what others expect you to do, especially when it doesn’t work for you. Making self respecting choices when others around you are choosing differently.
If the situations above are frequent challenges, you might be a people pleaser Babe.
With that said, I had a topic suggestion from a friend that I want to speak too because it seems to be a common struggle. I believe it’s a topic that many of us will be able to connect with and the root of it lies in self respect, self love and our ability to have good boundaries.
Here’s the question:
“How do you balance the desire to be a supportive friend without compromising your own energy and boundaries?”
Being a supportive friend does not entail compromising things that are healthy for you. Having good boundaries and showing up for your needs are two factors that a healthy connection does not ask you to compromise.
Remember that “supportive” doesn’t entail tolerating being “dumped on.”
Within friendship, or any relationship for that matter, “stuff” is gonna go down. Friends are going to have upsets that they share, that’s a given. Even more so when it’s a close relationship. Although, there’s a very different energy to distinguish between sharing information with someone vs. dumping information onto someone.
Sharing is healthy; Dumping is not.
When someone is “dumping” on you there’s a draining, exhausting and heavy energy to it.
If you feel a consistent hesitation when a particular friend calls for your support or a hang out, this could be a red flag that you’re compromising something within yourself when in company with this other person. This doesn’t mean that you need to let go of the friendship. It does point to tightening your boundaries around this relationship. With doing so, the connection will either become healthier, shift for the better and grow or not.
Here’s some perspective on how to get past your guilt so you can go about putting boundaries on a friendship that needs them.
Your Feelings Are Legit
There’s a reason for your feelings. Honor them. When something feels off or icky, it’s probably because it is. Trust yourself and be mindful to not validate “why” this person needs you. You need to show up for yourself first. Nobody needs you as much as you need yourself.
Too Nice is Not Nice
I’m all about being friendly and nice. I think having empathy, being open and polite to others is such an amazing way to be. I also think that you have to honor and respect yourself, which means making sure you’re not only being nice to others, but also being kind to yourself. Usually this entails saying “NO” from time to time. For the record, compromising your needs is not a self respecting choice and will drain your energy. Hyper hospitality is often a symptom of people pleasing that gives others the go ahead to walk over you.
Hang In There
The reality is that if you’re going to establish good boundaries, it’s essential to be able to tolerate the guilt of not pleasing someone. I know, it’s going to be uncomfortable for a bit. While tolerating the guilt of not being everything to everyone, you give yourself the opportunity to establish a new way of being by setting well intentioned boundaries. Just like anything that ’s a process, you have to get through the guilt by allowing the feeling to be there while deconstructing your guilty feelings with perspective. Reminding yourself that you’re not being “mean” or “selfish” for making self honoring choices sounds so basic, but it’s important to practice. Often times, when we’re functioning from a people pleasing place, we feel a lot of guilt for not being or doing what others want us to be and do. This is the wiring that we have to correct in order to establish a healthier way of connecting with others. This will begin to shift the dynamics within our relationships.
Allow Space
Allowing space for your friend or partner to work out their own stuff is healthy; It’s not mean. If that person guilts you for not constantly being there when they need you, that’s more of a red flag for you to pay attention too, rather then jumping to the conclusion that you’re a negligent friend.
Healthy adults have the capacity to work through their own stuff. Healthy adults don’t expect you to take care of their emotions. You’re there to support them. You’re not there to fix it for them.
When we’re coming from a people pleasing space there’s often a confusion around fixing vs. being supportive. Take a step back and give a situation space so you can establish your boundaries. Also, make room for that other party to work out their own stuff.
To sum this up: Babes, please take the pressure off yourself to BE everything to other people. It’s exhausting and it’s not the way to build healthy and fulfilling relationships. It’s just not. Remember that people respect people who respect themselves. Period. One of the most attractive and magnetic qualities to have is self respect. One of the biggest actions to take in order to cultivate that quality is to have solid boundaries.
We need you. The world needs your energy. It doesn’t need you continuously self sacrificing and giving beyond your means. Establishing boundaries will help you see your relationships in a new way and will leave you feeling more confident about you.
*Image by photographer Amy Lynn Bjornson
A Therapist's 5 Tips on How to Uplevel Your Life
A conscious choice to eliminate a bad habit or change a behavior for the better can lead to a major life upgrade. Listed below are 5 things that I’ve started doing which has helped me to feel more myself, more rooted in my life and has promoted obvious self growth.
If you’re looking to uplevel your life, read on friends.
1. I Started Appreciating Where I’m At Instead Of Feeling Like I’m Not Where I Should Or Ought To Be In Life.
I can’t tell you how much suffering I’ve personally spent on getting caught in the trap of believing that “My life is not where it should be.” This belief that you should be somewhere other than where you’re at is what leads us to make choices from fear. Making any choice from a fear based place can lead to a pretty limited outcome. Life pans out differently for those of us who can muster up the courage of making choices from a place of personal integrity, wisdom and truth.
Fear encourages us to do anything we can in order to have all the things that we think we need in order to be happy. At this point, we’ve all seen examples of people who seem to “have it all,” yet appear unsatisfied with their lives. What this proves is that happiness is more of a perspective about your life and, ultimately, a choice to see it a certain way. How you choose to see the reality of your life will dictate your overall feeling about your adventure here.
As each day, situation and experience has unfolded at this point of my life, I see with more clarity that living a good life is not so much about the pursuit of the thing(s) that you think will make you happy…….someday. It’s so easy to believe that’s so, although a truly happy soul is a person whose happy right now, with their current circumstance, whatever that may be. When you come to trust that you are where you’re supposed to be at this point of your life, stress falls away and acceptance perks up. That perspective, in itself, makes life better in an instant.
2. I Started Thinking A Lot More About What I’m Putting In My Body.
I’ve always considered myself to be a “healthy” person, although turning it up a notch by educating myself more and listening to my body more has been a game changer. Feeling physically good is something I’m less and less willing to compromise at this point of my life. To say it simply; Putting less of what doesn’t feel good in my body, while adding in more of what does has elevated my game..
3. I Started Paying More Attention To The People, Places and Things That Make Me Feel Myself and Alive.
The people and the environments that you spend your time in and with ABSOLUTELY rub off on BEAUTIFUL you. What you spend your time doing, who you spend your time with and what you’re physically and mentally absorbing while doing so will have its consequences; for worse or better. Everything that you’re doing with your time is creating who you’re becoming.
4. I Stopped Making Excuses and Started Doing The Things I’ve Wanted To Do. I started doing the things that I felt would bring me joy. For me, recently this has meant more overall ocean time; surfing, diving, under water camera play, more pursuing places and people that I feel are like minded and value similar things. I’ve stopped thinking about “why it’s hard to make things happen” and spent more time making them happen. This has all lead to a greater sense of happiness about my life. The things that bring YOU joy will be unique to you, although often it’s just walking toward one thing that you’ve been resisting and making a decision to go toward it. As you go toward that one thing, momentum gets built which allows more and more good things to keep flowing toward you. When that happens, life universally up levels.
5. I Started Buying Less and Smarter.
I’m convinced that less really is more. Less things and less stuff has helped me see straight within my life on both an external and internal level. When I do make a purchase, I’m really channeling my inner Marie Kondo because who wants more stuff just to have more stuff? When I make a purchase, I make sure that I love it, will utilize it and (as cliche as it is to say ) will “bring me joy.”
There really are choices that you can make today that will start changing the way you do your life and, ultimately, how you feel about your life. Ridding of the habits and choices in your life that are taking up space and not helping you evolve and grow will lead to change. Don’t doubt the power of small changes. Overtime it’s the little things that we tweak that lead to big change and growth.
Go get ‘em tiger.
*Above image was taken by Renata Amazonas, San Diego based lifestyle & Wedding Photographer.
7 Things to Expect When You’re In A Relationship With A Highly Creative Human
If you’re in a relationship with a creative person, the truth is that you’re dealing with a personality that’s in its own category. Lucky you because this ride with such a personality type will be anything less than boring. Below are some points to hopefully validate your experience or help you to become more understanding of the quirks and ever so intricate mind of your partner.
Their Way of Thinking Is Not Linear. A creative mind is always twisting, turning and driven by fierce curiosity. Don’t be surprised if topics change faster than you can keep up with. Impulsivity is real for these folks. Creatives tend to have rapid fire minds that spider web all over the place. This can be exhausting to be on the other end of, AND, it can also enrich your experience of life because it’s guaranteed to be anything other than stale.
They Need Space to Feed Their Souls and Create. Creativity has a rhythm and flow which requires space. Your artsy partner will have cycles of creation where they show up as less present and inconsistent. They’re doing what they do, which is feeding their artistic side and honoring their creative process. Just as there are four seasons in a year that are fixed, a creative is pulled to respect their unique cyclical flow. This can be difficult to be on the other end of, although being apart of the creation process can have great benefits. Hang in there.
They Don’t Follow The Masses. Creatives form their own narrative. They ask why? They challenge what others unquestionably do because it’s what they were told to do. They question the norm. They possess a natural tendency to challenge the status quo. This leads to a “road less traveled” approach to life, which is a mysterious, exciting and interesting ride. Are you in?
They Feel Through Mediums. Often times a creative has a medium or a variety of mediums that they speak through. This can be photography, painting, furniture design, interior design, writing, drawing, what have you. Knowing what your partners artistic language is can help you better understand their process and inner being.
They Are Forever Young. Creatives tend to be pretty tapped into their inner child. They often see through child like eyes, which has the tendency to keep things lively and fun. They can have excitement that matches any 8 year old around. Keeping up with this energy can be difficult at times, but it will keep things far from boring.
Their Emotions Can Fluctuate Quickly and Drastically. Since creatives tend to feel their emotions deeply, it can lead to some pretty drastic shifts in mood. Their sensitive soul is often the source of both their best creations and deepest of sufferings.
Procrastination Is Often Their Best Friend. Many creatives pride themselves on performing best when under the pressure of a timeline. The output of creative energy that a last minute rush embodies is what a creative often prides himself on. Although, this can be stressful to be on the other end of, it tends to be apart of the developing process for many creatives.
We need creative humans with all their beautiful quirk to keep the world going around and balanced. Although some of these character traits can cause issues and be difficult to be on the receiving end of, finding understanding and a successful way to approach your unique partner can result in a beautiful connection and loving partnership.
Cheers to all my creatives and those who love them.
*Above image by Amy Lynn Bjornson, Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer.
5 Perspectives to Help You Deal With Rejection
Rejection is a feeling that’s a challenge for most of us. It’s easy to personalize rejection, which then starts sabotaging our sense of self by opening the door to feelings of self doubt and unworthiness. It’s not pretty…..
It hurts.
It’s uncomfortable.
It’s hard.
Rejection can be so utterly uncomfortable that we do everything in our power to avoid it. This can be unconscious or conscious. The problem with this approach is that in order to avoid being rejected, we have to live pretty small lives.
Even then so, rejection is apart of life and unavoidable. You can’t completely hide from it; It will find you.
The avoidance of rejection guarantees significantly less opportunity and possibility in our lives simply because we’re not putting ourselves out there in the world to experience, be seen or live fully.
However, rejection doesn’t need to be so scary and it’s in the making it so, that we limit our lives. On the flip side, rejection can be a huge teacher, for when things are difficult and challenging is when we have the opportunity to grow the most. Yup, it’s true, from our greatest source of pain is where the possibility for some major growth lies.
The truth is that it’s easy to show up while putting our best foot forward when things are all good.
However, it’s how we act when someone or something is not giving us what we want that reveals the truth of who we are.
With that said, here are 5 perspectives to help you cope when rejection appears in your life.
1. When One Thing Doesn’t Work Out, It’s Only A Matter of Time That Something Else Will. Another door will open in your life and when it does your past rejection might make a lot more sense. Hang in there, your current life situation will become more clear with time. It always tends too.
2. Don’t Make It Personal. I know, I know, how’s it not personal, right? After all someone or something said a big, fat NO. I get it and I still stick with, “Babes, it’s not personal.” You never know what someone else is going through or what the exact details of a situation is. Rather than exhausting yourself mentally by trying to figure it out with false stories and assumptions, practice letting go and reminding yourself that it’s not personal.
As cliche as it is to say, getting rejected is apart of life and it’s not a personal attack. Sticking with this perspective, especially when your mind wants to point to all your self perceived inadequacies, is key to allowing the rejection to process through.
3. Accept That Things Don't Always Work Out The Way You Want Them to and That's Okay. Actually, it’s beyond okay, trust that how a situation is going down in your life is working for you, rather than against you. With that said, it’s important to take your time to feel about the “loss.” Be mad. Be hurt. Be disappointed. When you allow yourself to be real about how you feel your emotions can then pass through and you’ll find yourself moving beyond the rejection with more ease and flow. Just because one thing didn't work out, doesn't mean you're a failure, or that nothing will work out. You missed A boat, not THE boat my friend. There will be a lot more boats of opportunity and possibilities passing through in your life. That’s a for sure.
4. There’s A Lesson to be Learned. Try to Find It. When you can make a painful event a learning opportunity, that reframe will help you in so many ways. For one, it helps to support your growth. When you can learn something about yourself that you then carry along with you as you move forward, you win. Focusing on something else rather than ruminating or looping on the “why” and the disappointment of rejection will serve you greatly. When you soul search to discover the silver lining of any situation, you create the space to break some new ground within your field of personal growth. Look for the personal lessons. Look to where it’s really uncomfortable for you. Look for how it’s challenging you. This is where growth lies.
5. Trust It. I know, easier said than done, however, trusting in something bigger than your logic will serve you greatly in this life. The reality is that many things happen in life that don’t make sense. When we get stuck in trying to understand or figure out certain situations, we will create a lot more suffering than need be. Also, realize that your need to “figure out” the root of any situation is all about control. To say it simply, your discomfort of “not knowing” is pushing you toward searching for an answer so you can feel more in control. The reality is that you cannot control many situations and learning to let go of the compulsion to loop in your mind for “an answer” will free you from so much anxiety and unneeded suffering. When we learn to surrender and find acceptance for how things are, we are rewarded for our ability to let go amongst the uncertainty.
Rejection really has been one of my biggest teachers in life. I’ve worked so hard to avoid it for so long and with facing it dead on, I’ve realized that, although uncomfortable, it’s bearable. Beyond that, the lessons that rejection has brought to my door have pushed me to grow in ways that have benefited me greatly. Use your pain to grow. I say this with knowing how challenging that can be. Although, when you muster up the strength to gear up and go toward the discomfort, pain and unknown, life will acknowledge your brave spirit. I don’t know how or when, but trust that this is so. For what you believe in is what creates your experience.
You got this friends. Keep going forward. Trust life. Do your best to face the challenges, including the rejections that will continue to appear if you’re living large. Experiencing rejection is a clue that your putting yourself out there and living a full life.
* Healing Crystals for Rejection: Peridot, Rose Quartz
*Above image is by lifestyle & wedding photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
7 Signs That Your Love Connection is Healthy and Strong
An intimate relationship is a continuous work in progress. An important aspect of any romantic connection is that two people are choosing to grow in a positive direction with both themself and together. This post presents a framework for you to evaluate if your love connection is healthy, respectful and worth continuing to invest your sweet time into.
If you have one or two of these “signs” within your intimate relationship, great. If you have all of them, amazing. There’s no judgement and no such thing as a perfect anything, much less a perfect unity between two. If you’re not in a relationship, no worries, use this information to cultivate a vision for your future partnership.
7 Signs of A Legit Love Connection
1. Their Actions and Words Consistently Match Up
Your partner makes it clear via their words and actions that they're invested in you and see a future with you. You’re not confused about your partner's intentions because they make them crystal clear. Give or take being human; They call when they say they will and they show up when they say they will.
When someone is incongruent in their actions and words, we tend to feel doubtful about how they can show up for us. This leaves us in a state of not knowing, which is an easy breeding ground for our false assumptions, doubts and insecurities to live. Consistency is huge in relationships. It breeds trust and security. The bottom line is that we trust people who are consistent because it allows us to feel safe.
2. You Feel Good About Who You Are Around Them
It’s nothing that you can pin point, or maybe it is, but you just feel really good about yourself when you’re in your partner’s presence. They think you’re great, they support your ventures, they’re a huge fan of you, all imperfections included because we all have those, and that feels dam good.
3. They're Not Afraid to Have Real Conversations
Your partner is able to hold an inviting space for deep and vulnerable conversations. What does this mean? This means that you feel heard. It means that they can acknowledge your feelings without judgement and with appreciation of your self expression. There’s no avoidance of topics. There might be uncomfortable topics, although there’s no avoidance. If there is, they own it and do their best to work through it. Conversations are initiated around subject matter that allows further intimate connection, amongst fun conversations too. Balance is key. Topics can range from finances, insecurities, future life vision, your future together, etc. You feel better after releasing your feelings to your partner because they’re able to hold the space for you to release your emotions and that feels good.
4. You’re in Their Future Plans (Near and Far)
They make it known via their word and actions that you’re apart of their future plans. You guys make plans as a couple without question and you also have the freedom and space to still do you with their support.
5. They Respect The Relationships That Are Important to You
Your partner doesn’t necessarily need to be besties or even connect that much to some of the people you choose to have in your life, although they have to respect the significance that specific connections hold for you. Talking negatively about people that your partner knows you care about is a disrespectful act. There’s a difference between sharing your true feelings about a relationship with grace or concern vs. talking disrespectfully and putting down your judgement and desire for a specific relationship.
Ideally, it’s a great situation when you really gel and value the people that your partner brings into your life. This is not always the case, nor does it need to be, but it creates ease and flow when this is so.
6. You Trust Them & Feel Safe
This might be one of the most important aspects of any relationship. Trust and safety are foundational pieces that are the building blocks of any healthy connection. This is why when trust is compromised, it’s really difficult to recover. Trust is defined as the “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.” Feeling that your partner is reliable, accountable and will always do their best to show up for you is a must in a solid and loving connection.
You either trust someone fully or you don’t. You either feel safe with someone or you don’t. Meaning, you feel safe to express emotions, show all sides of you, appealing and not so appealing. We’re able to be vulnerable without feeling like our partner is going to see something that they don’t like and go away. Trusting someone allows us to unveil ourselves fully. This sets the stage for a true love connection.
7. It’s Clear That You’re a Priority
The majority of the things that your partner does generates an inner knowing that you’re held in a very high regard. This inner knowing brings a sense of peace and calmness about the relationship because you know where you stand. You feel genuinely loved and valued by your partner. You feel respected, considered and acknowledged. You are and you feel that you are a top priority in your partners life.
Relationships are so complex. Each couple has their own way. If it works and is healthy, more power to you. With all the above said, I understand that everyone is operating based on where they're at both mentally and emotionally. If your partner is working on themself and doing their best, that’s awesome and should be acknowledged. We’re not all graced with the gift of gab or the ability to talk it out super affectively. That’s okay. As long as your partner is working on their side of the street to keep things moving in a healthy direction, that’s effort to be appreciated.
*Above Image is by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Lifestyle & Wedding Photographer7
5 Signs That You're Dating a Narcissist
Are you dating a narcissist? If so, this one’s for you.
For those of you who don't know, Narcissism is a legit mental health disorder. Dating a narcissist can take its toll as it requires constant giving via endless validation and listening of your partners grandiose sense of self. This post goes over what you may feel and experience when dating or in a relationship with such a personality type.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
In a nutshell, an individual that fits the diagnosis for Narcissistic Personality Disorder generally has a grandiose view of themself, a burning desire for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. To get further into clinical diagnostic criteria, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) published by the American Psychiatric Association, here are key characteristics of NPD:
Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerating achievements and talents
Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate
Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
Requiring constant admiration
Having a sense of entitlement
Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
Taking advantage of others to get what you want
Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Being envious of others and believing others envy you
Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
5 Signs That You’re Dating A Narcissist
1. Since your partner has an inflated sense of self, you find yourself spending countless hours having one sided “conversations” as you listen to the exaggerated triumphs and tribulations of your partners life journey.
2. A narcissist thrives from a deep need of admiration from others, hence, you find yourself in the role of “cheerleader” by giving compliments and praise because that’s the fuel your lover needs to keep their exaggerated sense of self up to par.
3. A narcissist lacks the ability to be empathic to the needs of others, so even though you're the, so called “object of his/her affection,” you find your needs ignored and unacknowledged.
4. Your sense of self is slowly going down the drain. Over time, the constant “about me” vibe that a narcissistic partner brings to a relationship will begin to dim your inner light. This is the where the real damage is done. This will leave you feeling inwardly empty and doubtful as that’s what happens when your sense of self is compromised.
5. You feel taken advantage of and defeated, although it’s confusing because your love for your partner causes you to validate their self serving actions. An intimate partner of a narcissist usually begins to play a subservient role that, unfortunately, will begin to feel “normal” overtime. This role is developed in order to stay in the partnership. We tend to make excuses and get in a strong habit of validating our partners ways of being that, in all reality, are self serving and geared to their best interest, not ours.
It’s always very apparent when a client comes in that’s with or has recently ended an intimate relationship with a narcissist. Usually, the first step in helping this individual is to provide a realistic view of reality for it ‘s become very distorted as a result of being on the other end of someone who has a grandiose, self serving and all consuming sense of self. As a therapist experiencing and helping this type of client, it feels as if your across someone whose been “brainwashed.” Often, their view of reality has been tainted by the material they’ve been witnessing and digesting from their narcissistic partner. My job is to help them rebuild their sense of reality based on facts, rather than the stories that they were encouraged to believe from their partner.
As the term “narcissist” is thrown around very loosely in our society, I truly have seen the scaring effects that this type of partnership has had on my clients. It’s real. It’s damaging and the time it takes to recorrect and restore a persons sense of self takes courage, time and work.
So, babes, to avoid going down this road, make sure that you’re considering yourself, your needs, your wants, ALWAYS, AND especially when you’re choosing a mate. Anybody who continually makes you feel doubtful of yourself, is never asking about you and is always out for number one is simply not a good partner for you. Period.
The charm and rico suave vibe is there with these narcissistic individuals, so don’t let the charm fool you. Go deeper. Choose well. Give your time and energy to someone who sees you, rather than someone whose only interested in seeing themself.
*Another resource on NPD with additional information HERE.
*Image by lifestyle & wedding photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Causes of Insomnia and How to Overcome It (A Complete Guide)
Check out my latest published blog about everything INSOMNIA and SLEEP ISSUE related. My intention for this post is to help you discover ways to rest more peacefully and feel more alert so you can get on with your life in a more productive headspace.
*Image by San Diego based Photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.
Reasons Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex? Words to Help You Understand Your Emotions Around a Break Up
When the heart and emotions are at stake a lot of our hidden and vulnerable emotions get triggered. This is so with break ups. Breaking up is hard. Straight up.
My intention for this particular blog is to help you settle some of the hard emotions that come along with a break up. The pain that a loss of a love connection can trigger can be so utterly uncomfortable. My hope is for these words to help ease some difficult feelings and provide you with some key insight so you can work through your emotions around your particular heart ache.
Below is a Q & A to some common questions that can come up when we’re working through our feelings around a past love.
What does it mean if I can’t get an ex out of my mind?
It means you invested yourself and your time. It means you cared. If you can't get an ex out of your mind, be careful about jumping into a story around what your emotions mean. For example, when you attach meanings such as, “I’m not over him/her” or “I’’ll never move on,” your feelings of discomfort and loss will be more intense. The story that we put to why we are feeling specific emotions is more the guiding factor in where our mind frame lies. Allow yourself to think of an ex if that’s what’s happening. Think about it and allow your feelings to process through. Allowing yourself to think about a past relationship vs. blacking it out of your mind will encourage and help you to move through your healing process.
4 Reasons Why You Could Still Be Thinking About Your Ex
1. Many times we're thinking of our ex because of our own unresolved issues that the breakup is triggering.
I see this so much with my clients struggling to cope with a break up. They become fixated on their ex. Instead of talking about themselves in their therapy session, they’re strictly talking about their ex. It’s always a red flag for me in the room when after an hour with a client I know much more about their ex then them. This usually points to some sort of a co-dependent dynamic within a relationship that was developed. Switching the focus of your energy back to YOU is a key step toward rediscovering your grounding and sense of self after a relationship ends.
2. We’re thinking about what could have been, rather than what actually was.
Whenever we’re seeing something through “rose colored glasses,” we’re not seeing the truth of the factual situation. The issue with this line of thinking is that it creates a false story about our past romance. We can begin to idealize our ex and start believing that "we blew" our chances. Putting our ex partner on a pedestal is a sure fire way to create more longing, pain and a false interpretation of what was. See it straight babes.
3. We’re trying to keep up with the Jones’s
Societal expectations can absolutely be playing into a more exaggerated feeling of loss when a relationship ends. As humans, we naturally tend to gravitate toward what others are doing. Therefore, if our social circle is filled with couples, we might think about our ex more out of loneliness vs. because our ex was the "right" match for us. It's important to do your best to ditch a timeline when it comes to love. Love shows up when it wants too. It shows up best when you’ve surrendered who it’s going to be, when it’s going to happen and how it's going to look.
4. You’re making it about them when it’s about you
How we deal with break ups and how we cope with our past has everything to do with our ability to let go and move forward in a healthy way. This can be a hard lesson for some of us. Realizing that people only have the amount of power over us that we give them can be a freeing way to think about past love connections. It happened, we learned, we loved. This is the process of life. Stay within your emotions and your process of working through a break up. Your feelings of loss and grief will be able to process through in a more flow state if you’re mindful to stay in your feelings not your ex’s.
Why can't we get an Ex out of our mind when it's been months or even years?
The relationships in our lives, especially impactful love connections, leave powerful impressions. Thinking about an ex doesn't mean anything negative unless you attach a meaning too it that doesn't serve you. For example, believing that it's "wrong" to think about a person whom you cared for and spent significant time with will increase your struggle to move forward.
To say it simply, learning to allow yourself to think of your ex is the exact way that you will think of them less.
Sort of counter intuitive, right? Let me explain. Famous psychologist, Carl Jung coined: “Whatever you resist persists.” When we convince ourselves that thinking about our ex means that we're not over them, we're creating a false story that’s keeping us stuck. Perhaps we’ll always think of an ex from time to time. Why is that negative? It doesn’t need to be. It’s only an issue if your mind creates it to be one. Remember that you control what your thoughts mean.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Hell yes it’s normal. It’s very normal to have feelings of longing for someone you shared intimate and quality time with.
The bottom line is: Do not judge your process. So many of us make up stories as to "what it means" when we have an emotion. Thinking about an ex is normal, especially when you're still processing the relationship through. Whether a relationship was positive or negative; it existed and happened. If we're healthy individuals, we’ll spend time working through our emotions around the broken relationship in order to heal and move on.
If you're thinking about your ex so much that you can't focus or move forward within your life, it’s important to do the self care and seek the appropriate level of help, which might mean professional, to assist you in processing your past break up.
What should you do when you can't get your ex out of your mind?
Look at other areas of your life that you can be avoiding and not tending too because you’re thinking about your ex. Sometimes we focus on our past in order to avoid the present.
Realize that if you're struggling with chronic thoughts of another, it's usually pointing more toward an imbalance within yourself.
If your excessive thoughts persist about an ex, it might be beneficial to seek professional assistance. If that's too expensive or not an option for you, they’re great podcasts, u tube channels, books and other forms of tools to help you process through your feelings about a past love that are totally free and accessible.
Should I get back together with an ex?
First things first; It takes two to tango, meaning both individuals have to have the same desire and want for reconnection. If both parties of a past relationship are feeling the desire to rekindle, given that this was a healthy past relationship, a first step toward reconnection would be to have a conversation. Where that conversation goes, nobody could script or predict. Allowing yourself to spend some time to be truthful with yourself around your consideration of rekindling a past flame is important. Make sure that your intentions are pure and your want to get back together is for the "right" reasons. Take your time to evaluate this. Realize that it's not all up to you to "make" a relationship happen. Things that are meant to be have a funny way of working out. Trust this, and most importantly, trust life.
*Image above was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based Wedding & Lifestyle photographer
5 Types of Anxiety and How to Cope
Image by Amy Lynn Bjornson
Anxiety can be extremely paralyzing. It can keep us from living the type of lives we desire. Here’s my latest post that summarizes different types of anxiety, how they show up and what to do to kick ‘em to the curb. Click the button below to read the full post.
5 Steps Toward Creating a Happy Life
Some of us do the consistent actions and habits that promote our health and happiness with ease. Meaning, it’s natural for us to make self honoring choices, say “No” to others without guilt and carry on doing the things that allow us to grow.
Others of us have become disconnected from what’s really important, which makes it difficult to know what decisions are in our best interest. The more we make choices that go against what our heart wants, the more disconnected we become from our truth.
In a nutshell, we’re either doing things consistently in our lives that are bringing us toward or away from our true selves and best lives. The daily decisions that we make and the way we interact with the world creates not only how others see us, but most importantly, how we view ourselves.
Not that this is going to blow your mind, but how we view ourselves is huge. It dictates the quality of our lives.
Whatever we believe to be true about ourselves is what will be reflected back to us. How we view ourselves will create the results that show up in the form of opportunities and relationships in our lives.
Our sense of self, also known as our self esteem, comes from listening and honoring our truth, respecting ourself, creating boundaries and connecting consistently to what’s calling us.
Going toward the people, places and things that fire us up is what creates our happy.
Since how we feel about ourselves is directly linked to our level of happiness, here are some tips to find & maintain balance as well as authenticity in life.
1. Find Your Balance
Everything seems to find its way back to the concept of balance. How we balance “all the things” in life will dictate how our life unfolds. In order to stay in balance requires us to be pretty savvy organizers of our time. A large part of prioritizing is weeding out what isn’t serving us. We respect our time and boundaries when we eliminate what’s not adding to our experience. Consequently, we’re also sending out a powerful message to the world via what we tolerate and keep around.
We will get what we allow, whether we like it or not.
What to let go of can be hard to see because what served us in the past, might not serve us any longer. Old habits die hard, right? Although, clarity can be found by actions like journaling or chatting with a trusted friend or therapist about what to let go of and what to hold onto. Sometimes an outside source can help us see our blind side or a different perspective.
2. Ditch People Pleasing
People pleasing is such a mega trap to happiness. Many times, in order to find our happy, we have to disconnect from a false belief that saying “No” is inconsiderate. Here’s the deal; This is your life and anyone who truly values you and loves you will understand your “No.” They have permission to dislike your “No,” but they won’t disrespect it or punish you for it if it’s a healthy and loving connection.
Saying “No” is our way of mentally prioritizing.
Saying “No” by setting boundaries and making clear choices is how we value our time and the time of others. I know that I’ve created a lot of confusion when I’ve been so concerned about disappointing someone that I’ve come off unclear by avoiding a direct expression of “No.” Ironically, I created more frustration, for both myself and others, by not being straight up.
It’s a difficult task to know ourselves well enough to weed through all the options that life presents while making clear decisions about how to spend our time. Although it can be confusing, it’s possible to hone the skill of prioritizing and honoring what serves us best with practice.
3. Go Toward What You’re Curious About
If we want to bring playfulness into our lives, paying attention to what interests us will lead the way. Our curiosity is our north star. It’s that simple. If you have no awareness around what you like or what interests you, start with the basics: Chocolate or Vanilla?
If that’s where you need to begin; So be it; Just start somewhere.
Today there’s tons of pressure around “knowing your passion.” Please remember that passions begin with a simple curiosity at first, so just go toward what you prefer and things will roll from there.
Life is like a scavenger hunt. If you follow your curiosity you will be lead toward people, places and things that serve you. Having a clear knowing of what you’re looking for will help you find it with more ease and clarity. Although, if you’re not clear, don’t fret; Just notice the things that turn your head and capture your interest. Those are signs, directing you toward aligned opportunities and people. You will build momentum in your life as you consistently act on your curiosity, which will bring like minded things to you and so it goes from there.
4. Stop Trying to Figure it Out
Man, this is such a biggie.
So many clients come to me looking for answers while trying to figure it all out. When we’re sitting in the frustration of trying to figure things out, we’re blocking ourselves from seeing the simple clues that are right in front of us. When we’re fixed on a solution, we’re limiting our experience in the NOW. You can find relief from your frustration by realizing that you don’t need to know the HOW. Meaning, you don’t need to know HOW things will show up and present themselves in your life. This is so hard for those of us who are hard wired to find the solution. (I get it, believe me.) This is the practice of letting go, surrendering and allowing. Ultimately, our job is to go toward the things that we enjoy and as we do, opportunities will present themselves. With less resistance, we will be able to see the opportunities presented before us with more ease.
5. Pay Attention to How You Feel
What we eat, who we spend our time with, how we move and treat our bodies and what environments we put yourselves in all dictate how our lives will unfold. What we ingest on an internal and external level is creating our expeience.
Life is a constant exchange of energy.
In the most basic way of stating it, we’re either digesting good vibes or bad vibes. The noises around us, the conversations we’re participating in or overhearing; It’s all energy that we’re taking in and processing. For worse or better. Being more aware of how the specific people, places and things that we’re choosing make us feel will help us make better future choices.
If we feel unfulfilled in our current reality, there are small things that we can do to begin the process of change. The concept of momentum is always at play within our lives. Momentum is defined as the “driving force gained by the development of a process or course of events.” One thing always leads to the next. As we keep our minds and bodies in a positive space by doing the healthy things we know to do, no matter how big or small, momentum will build and do its magic in our lives. With less resistance, the ball will start rolling and change will begin to take place. Just. Like. That.
Living a life that we desire and choose does involve being open, courageous and having trust or faith in something bigger. The above steps can help peel layers of resistance so we can get the momentum rolling in our lives which will guide us to the next page or chapter.
*Above image was taken by Amy Lynn Bjornson, San Diego based lifestyle & wedding photographer.
Signs of a Nervous Breakdown (And How to Survive It)
Image by AMY LYNN BJORNSON
When stress leads to symptoms of mental break down; that’s a clear sign that attention and action need to go toward your mental and emotional wellness.
Find the full article on this topic @lifehackorg.
Enjoy.
10 Ways to Stop Over Thinking
With instant gratification becoming the new normal and life busier than ever, our ability to over think and stress out is at an all time high. The monkey mind is a buddhist term referring to the unsettled and restless state that the human mind can get stuck in. I, myself, am a self defined over thinker, which is a behavior that causes me so much unneeded suffering. I logically know that circling around in my head about the what if’s and future trippin on made up situations is not going to help. Despite my awareness, it remains a challenge for me to stop my racing mind once it gains momentum.
With that said and knowing over thinking all too well, here are some tips that are my personal “go to’s” when that little over analyzing beast inside begins to act up.
Understand It
“Know thy enemy,” right? Straight up, over thinking is a symptom of high anxiety. Anxiety is a symptom of living in the future. When you realize that your anxiety is over taking you, chances are that you’re stressing out and worrying about something that may or might not happen in the future. Realize that over thinking is the ego’s defense mechanism. In a sense, your worry is “trying” to protect you. With understanding that it’s doing the exact opposite, this can help you get a hold on your worry so it can lessen and eventually stop. This will lead you to a much more peaceful now. Awareness is always the first step.
Let Go of Resistance
Over thinking becomes a problem when we’re in resistance to our thoughts. Anything that we resist in life we make stronger because of our added focus to “the problem.” It’s a big buzz phrase in psychology that “whatever we resist persists.” Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care, it allows the situation to be what it is so it can naturally pass through. When we’re high in our resistance we naturally and without thought don’t allow something to pass without a struggle. Think of clenching your stomach on a rollercoaster or tensing your muscle before a shot at the doctor. Both of these actions will create more difficulty and strain. You have to relax and loosen in order to allow experiences to come and go or they will remain blocked and stuck.
Check Your Focus
Whatever you focus on grows stronger. Be mindful on what you’re focusing on and be aware that your area of focus is a choice. Chances are that if you’re over thinking, you’re focusing on what could go wrong vs. what can go right. Check yourself by switching your focus toward the positive outcome vs the outcome of doom and gloom.
Get Perspective
Your perception is always responsible for your over thinking. With that being the case, if you work on changing your perspective you will find relief. Here are some ways of thinking that might help your racing mind:
Trust something bigger than you.
Realize that you can only control and do so much.
Other forces are at play to help assist you.
The world is working on your behalf.
It’s not all falling on you to figure it out.
Check your Diet
If you tend to have high anxiety and worry, pay attention to what you’re putting into your body. For example caffeine and alcohol are known to intensify feelings of anxiety and worry. A plant based diet, lots of water, exercise and frequent emersions in nature are known to lessen your level of anxiety. Also, pay attention to you and your body. Nobody is ever going to be able to feel and understand what you’re going through physically, emotionally and mentally but you. Do your best to pay attention in order to figure out the particular activities, habits and foods that work best for you.
Keep Good Company
Surround yourself with people who think less and enjoy more. Be mindful of relationships that are continually dumping their anxious thoughts and perspectives onto you. We are influenced by who we spend our time with. Therefore, pay attention to the mindsets and vibrational frequency of the people that you spend a lot of your time with.
Get Into Your Body
Practice total body awareness by doing things that help you to get out of your head and into your body. When you have to focus on a physical skill, you automatically have to shift your mind focus to your body. This is why sports and getting physical is such a great practice. You quiet the mind by tapping into the body. You can do this in any way that lights you up. Find out what your physical outlets are and go toward them as often as you can.
Get Zen
Taking up a practice in mindfulness meditation can help you constantly be in the here and now. Getting quiet and tuning into the aspects of your inner workings will help you to move into your heart space. Entering into your heart space is where surrender and acceptance live. Within your heart space you will naturally stop trying and start allowing.
Accept What Is
You don’t have to like it, although if you want to feel peaceful, you do have to find acceptance for it. We all hear that it’s not what happens, rather, it’s how we respond to what happens that makes or breaks us. The first place to find and practice acceptance is with your own self. Accepting who you are, where you are and what is happening around you will allow you to move forward with more grace and ease.
Be Grateful
Be grateful for all the things already in your life that you are content with. Appreciation breeds more things to be appreciative for. Get your rose colored glasses on and see the beauty in things and people rather than the grey. Realize the gifts that you already have and the gifts that are already in your life. Practice counting your blessings instead of your failures. Be thankful.
I believe that over thinking is a habit that is one of the biggest thieves of happiness. If you’re stuck in your head, you can’t simultaneously enjoy the present. This is torture. I know that I’ve been in amazing settings with amazing people, trapped in my mind. Realize that over thinking doesn’t change anything; only actions do. Drop the judgement of what you think needs to happen to feel happy and practice being with what is happening while acting on your inspiration. In the most simple of terms, this is how to live a more peaceful life.
*Image by photographer, Amy Lynn Bjornson.